If you miss school, you can't go to the dance in the evening.

Growing up, I remember how excited we'd all get for those rare school dances. This started as early as third grade, I think--it wasn't 'til junior prom that I attended dances where people actually danced, but that's another story all together.

In the morning and afternoon announcements the days leading up to the Big Day, a teacher would consistently remind us that if we were absent the day of the dance, we would not be allowed on school property for the evening event. At the time, this rule bugged me a bit, but I couldn't put words to why it didn't seem fair. Always one for specifics, I could think of several different reasons why the school should make exceptions to this rule. (Truth be told, I did this any time there was a blanket, one-size-fits-all rule that was imposed on us.)

Today I feel crappy, plus Jim's doctor reinstated his bed rest prescription. (Jim had a tonsillectomy over a week ago and was on the mend but, after some un-scary bleeding, he had to go back to squishy foods and no exertion. This means I'm his nursemaid.) There's a lot going on in town today, too, things I don't want to miss. My migraine-plus-cold situation means no Indie Craftstravaganza for me, no neighborhood party, and no neighborhood association meeting at 4. Earlier I was feeling too blah to take my Maxalt, worried that maybe this was a "normal" headache associated with my cold and not a migraine (though time has shown that this is indeed a migraine; just have to convince myself to stand up and walk to the bathroom to fetch the meds). Then I thought, "Well, even if the Maxalt does work, I won't be allowed to go to the fundraiser party tonight. If I don't make it to the neighborhood association meeting in the afternoon, I can't go to the party in the evening."

You can see why I thought of my days in school, listening to the teacher as she told us in a scolding voice that missing the day of the dance meant no dance.

Of course I know that, when they work well, migraine-specific medications can wipe out the attack and render the migraineur able to function somewhat normally within hours. That if Maxalt works as it does 65% of the time for me, I could rest at home for a bit and end up at the fundraiser party at 7 in top form.

But my neighbors don't know that. I can't help but think, "What will they say if I email to cancel my participation at the meeting and then show up at a party hours later? They'll think I'm a faker!"

Of course this is an issue that's faced by many chronically ill folks like me. What have your experiences been? I am wary of overexplaining the ins and outs of my illness to people (close friends and strangers alike), but I don't feel comfortable showing up for a social function after having skipped the more boring duties earlier in the day.

stuffy head or migraine?

I'm not sure if it's my freshly diagnosed autoimmune issue, my mucositis (yech), or just bad luck, but I've gotten lots more colds in the last couple of years than I ever had before. I don't mind them so much--sometimes I enjoy the scratchy, sultry voice (it allows me sing in lower registers as I belt along with the radio in my car--I'm amazing).

Perhaps it's not the frequency of colds but their duration that has changed in recent years. I used to get a cold for 2-3 days and then have little to no trace of it left. Nowadays it seems my cold develops slowly and takes a long time to leave. This one's been around for at least a week and a half. It started with sneezing and stuffy-headed-ness. Then it moved into my throat, where it settled in and made it hard for me to speak loudly enough for people to understand me well. After my voice started coming back early last week, I figured the cold was on its way out. WRONG. It moved back into my head, focusing mainly on the left side of my sinus cavity.

Here's the rub: I can't always tell the difference between the beginning stages of a migraine and sinus congestion. From what I understand, a lot of migraineurs confuse the two. (Let's not rehash the sinus headache issue here, though.) This past Wednesday, I went to bed early with a congested head; I woke in the middle of the night a couple of times because my head was so heavy and it was hard to breathe. After awaking Thursday and walking around the house a bit, I realized I was not suffering from just sinus congestion: I had a migraine that was rapidly progressing. I kicked myself for not having taken a triptan in the middle of the night.

But it had been so hard to tell the difference between sinus pressure & the early stages of migraine!

This morning I awoke with so much sinus congestion on the left that I immediately opened my bedside table drawer to get a Maxalt tab. There was no such tab in the drawer, so, favoring another hour in bed over getting up to look for my triptan pill, I took a nasal decongestent (I have an emergency drug arsenal next to my bed, of course). Upon waking in earnest, I dared to try my neti pot again. (Months ago I had a strange experience wherein using my neti pot led to an immediate and severe migraine--not sure how I screwed up, but I did and it HURT. I've been scared to try the pot again ever since despite its having worked wonders pre-pain-incident.) I can't claim that any one thing cured today's head issues, but the decongestent + neti pot flush rid me of the migrainey feeling I had. Interesting.

Do any migraineurs (or folks with sinus problems like me) have any tips as to how to know when to use a triptan and when to focus on the sinuses? How do you tell the difference between the beginning of a migraine and a side effect of sinus problems?

the joys of being a woman!

some of my favorite things to bring my headachey self some relief:
delicious cafe, reading, and my rose-tinted, anti-fluorescent glasses

Each blessed month, I am so proud to be graced with an entire week of cramps, headaches, exaggerated achiness, remarkably spectacular swings in mood, irritability with the people I love most, and--best of all--I get to deal with my Feminine Products nearly every hour on the hour for a couple of days! IT'S AWESOME.

But the migraine that accompanies this monthly extravaganza of womanhood is probably the best part of it. It's so great that after a couple days of using triptans I'm not allowed to use any more. That means I get to take ineffective rescue meds and just bask in the glory of my brain chemistry, thinking of how every action I take brings me pain and there's relatively little I can do about it until my period is gone.

Today we are on day one of not being able to use triptans. Luckily I have a two p.m. deadline and a 2:30 PM doctor's appointment.

It is bothering me that I wrote the time in two distinctly different formats just then. But to show how casual and carefree I am nowadays, I am just going to LEAVE IT AS IS!

A bit stressed and headachey but chipper enough to drive you crazy,
Janet

9 days and counting

Excuse me if I sicken you with my sickly sweet view of the world again, but I'm feeling great! The past few days I have been staying at my friends' new house in Atlanta, and I've been overexposed to triggers that usually work on me like clockwork, causing me to pop a few triptans in order to function.

Here are the things that usually tip me over the edge, especially over Christmas:

drinking a fair bit of alcohol (two nights in a row, at that!)
sleeping in a place where cats might jump on you and meow in the middle of the night
slight cat allergies (sad.)
changing weather patterns (sunny to cloudy, cloudy to rainy, rainy to soaked, creepily warm to freezing)
interrupted/disrupted sleep (2:30 AM bedtime one night, 4:45 AM the next, 11:45 PM the next)
driving in the car in unfamiliar, trafficky areas
having my period
exposure to fluorescent lights
exposure to cigarette smoke
loud music

In the last four days, I have experienced inordinate amounts of the above-listed triggers and am still alive to tell the tale. Nine days without the need to take a Relpax or Maxalt--and on those days I've felt really good, not half-blah as I often do on my non-migraine days.

Of course I'm hesitant to chalk it all up to the 4-6 weeks of regular exercise, but I do think that's the key player in this equation. Add that to the fact that I am hopeful--truly hopeful!--about my chances of operating like a normal human being again and you get one optimistic, good-feelin' girl.

Merry Christmas. I hope my next post is just as pain-free, and I wish you all happy, HEALTHY holidays!

once upon a mattress

I can't wait to go to bed tonight. And no, this desire is not directly connected to the constant tiredness I've been feeling lately. (Yes, I'll call my neurologist about this. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow!)

You see, I bought a new bed today. Miracle of miracles: you can't feel the springs in it when you lie down! AMAZING. It's soft yet firm. And inches wider than the full-sized, hard bed I've had for seven years. To top it all off, it was one of the less expensive models the store had to offer--and (surprise of surprises) I BARGAINED WITH THE SALESMAN. True story, folks: you can haggle over mattress sales. I got the thing for $80+ less than I would have had I not asked the guy to strike me a deal. (A few months ago in Boston, my friend got a deal on a mattress by staging a walk out. The salesman, really wanting a sale, called her back as she was exiting and offered her a deal. We are awesome.)

So that's the story. I've been waking up with back aches for many a week now, knowing I had to purchase a new, supportive mattress soon. And today I bit the bullet as soon as the Maxalt kicked my menstrual migraine out of the picture. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stupendous!

I'm on the verge...

I can well imagine myself having caffeine this weekend if I don't start feeling better. My head is about 5 times worse than when I wrote earlier this morning, and I can actually smell that polleny, grassy smell pouring out from my air conditioning vents thanks to the lawn dudes and all they stirred up with their fancy equipment. The yard looks great. I do not.

I'm bending the Maxalt rules a bit, too. You know how it says not to take the drug more than three days a week? Well, I took it last weekend and decided that Monday would start a new week. So even though I had a Maxalt on the 17th, 18th, 21st, and 22nd, I'm only counting the second pair of days because...well...because I feel HORRIFIC and cannot function. So Let's pretend the week started on Monday and not Sunday. Work for you? I hope it works for me. I should not risk MOH but feel crippled without being able to help myself through this.

Now that people actually read this blog, I feel sort of ashamed when I admit that I'm not fulfilling promises to myself (i.e., don't take too many triptans in too short a time, Janet!). But I also have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not alone in this struggle and think that, for those of you who read this, hearing that someone else is on the cusp of doing the forbidden in terms of drug treatment might resonate with you.

Wah.

Overcast, pollinated day
Why don't you just go away?!

yippee for prescription assistance programs!!!, or, FREE DRUGS

I've been enrolled with success in the GlaxoSmithKline's Bridges to Access Program. There's information on it here: http://www.bridgestoaccess.com/

I can get my Imitrex for free from them (as I understand it) after I send in the bulk of my paperwork, which my advocate (an assistant at my neurologist's office) helped me fill out. For now, I'm enrolled for two months and can go into my favorite retail pharmacy (my local Kroger, where I love the people) and get a 60-day supply. The initial 60-day supply is accompanied by a $10 copay per fill, but that's about 1/10 as much as the Imitrex would cost me normally!

Already I'm in the Together Rx Access program. That's the program with the least amount of hassle, but it's just a discount program that offers cuts but not ones as big as 90% off the regular price. It'd be of more use to me if I didn't belong to Bridges to Access already, as the only drug I'm currently taking that is on the Together Rx Access list is Imitrex--and I can get that for [almost] free!

Finally, I applied for my free trial of Maxalt. All it takes is a printer and a couple of stamps--one so you can mail the form to your doctor to request a prescription for 3 Maxalt pills, and one so you can include a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your doctor to send you the prescription and forms back!

In the works is a plan for me to get free (or cheap) Maxalt, too. I forget which program covers that, but my doctor has sent in the paperwork to the proper recipient by now, I'm sure. I can't say enough about The Partnership for Prescription Assistance Program (PPARx). I'm so much more calm when it comes time to take a triptan, not nearly as stressed as I usually am for fear of wasting my money.

Go sign up! I make very little money, but you can make a fair amount (not a HUGE amount) and still qualify for these programs.

pain that woke me from sleep

For the first time in many months, I had such a bad migraine headache last night that I woke from sleep as soon as the Lortab wore off (around 5 AM). I called off work last night and lay on the couch, listening to radio show podcasts and watching stupid TV (after having dimmed the screen as dark as it would go and putting on sunglasses!). When my boyfriend came over after work, he encountered a girl lying on a couch in PJs with a washcloth over her face, a heating pad on her back, a TMJ dysfunction FaceCaddy around her neck (it had fallen), and a guided imagery CD playing on the computer. The heating elements had been turned off for awhile, and he commented that I was burning hot. He found the thermometer, took my temperature, and discovered I was hovering at 97.5 despite my hot, hot skin and face.

As I mentioned before, this has been a record week for BAD headaches. I'm used to going through times where there are a few minor ones and one major one in a week, but five big ones in six days is making me feel like I did brief periods years ago. AAAHH! I'd scream if it didn't hurt so much.

Because I've gone the forbidden route and taken three triptans already this week, I was too nervous to take another last night. Had one Lortab (7.5) mg and a snack before bed to absorb it; at 5 I woke up and took two more. Now it's 9:33 and the achiness seems to be returning despite the continued tingling effect of Lortab.

Lots of this has to do with stress, mainly stress from a neighborhood situation. I'm voluntarily on the board and have recently been pummeled by a series of emails and requests that give me WAY more responsibility than my body can take; the thinly-veiled personal insults aren't exactly helping either.

Let it go...let it go...let it go.

My neck hurts. My head hurts. I want to give up.

fifth time's a charm...right?

I've had the worst streak I've had in awhile. Sure, there've been days I've had some mild pain day after having been icky for a while prior. But today marks the fourth day in a row of having a moderate Migraine headache--and since I'm not supposed to take triptans more than two days a week, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. (Sorry for the cliche--can you blame a half-wit like migraineous me for not coming up with original witticisms?)

You all saw how I bitched (justifiably, I know--thanks for the reassurance!) on Wednesday about that sudden Migraine headache. I had high hopes that I'd filled my quota for the week then, but no such luck.

Flying into Virginia Thursday was uneventful, but as soon as I was in the car headed from the airport to my our hotel, the sure-fire symptoms began. Took half of an Imitrex (despite the label's order not to split them, I figured I'd cut the 100mg pill and take around 50 mg, thinking that'd be enough to kill the headache) and lay down. The pain was mostly gone in an hour or so. The next day, Friday, I woke up with a headache again but pretended it wasn't there. After all, it was a spa day for my cousin, my aunt, my mom and me! Surely a massage and a facial would heal me right up. Wrong. The pain got worse at lunch, post-spa, and I popped the other half of that Imitrex.

I took a nap at my aunt's and woke up feeling headache-free but extremely groggy and antisocial--not good when there was a casual dinner party over here and I was trying to be much more animated than I felt. (I failed my own test.)

Today I felt bad again but couldn't break the rule even further--after all, Friday marked the third day in a row having a triptan, and I couldn't face the possibility of a rebound headache by taking another triptan. So...I took a nap, my third one in three days. Woke up feeling rested, but the pain returned and is sitting here now, running up and down the left side of my neck, behind my cheekbone, and behind my left eye. An old, obnoxious acquaintance setting up house once again.

I'm traveling. The weather is fluctuating greatly here in VA, and my period ended today. The pollen and allergens in the air are icing on the cake.

I can't wait to feel good again. I realize I ain't got nothin' on the chronic daily headache or Daily Persistent Headache folks, but man! I've had quite enough!

Migraine & travel

Tomorrow morning--ahem, THIS morning--I'll leave my house early to drive to the airport in rush hour traffic. My mom and I are flying to Virginia together to spend some time with my aunt and my cousins; it should be nice.

Despite my intense, feverish addiction to travel, I often dread the first day of it. Getting up on time, worrying that I have neglected to pack something, not sure if I'll make it to the airport in time, sitting under fluorescent lights in the gate area, the air pressure shifts in the plane, etc., etc.--all of these factors combine and, more often than not, result in a Migraine attack.

For this trip, I didn't follow step one of my own advice, but I think I'm doing well with the rest of it.

Tips for traveling migraineurs:

1. Get organized a couple of days before you go. This way, you'll feel less stressed regarding the packing process and will remember to add forgotten items, as you'll have more time to realize you've not packed them. For me, counting out all the pills and vitamins I'll need during the trip (adding on an extra day's worth for good measure!) is the first step I take. Too often I've been on vacation and reached for the medicine bottle only to remember it's still in my cabinet hundreds of miles away!

2. For people like me who know fluorescent lighting is a trigger: If you're staying in a hotel or with friends/family, ask your host about the lighting situation. Will there be fluorescent lights at the hotel? Request incandescent bulbs IN ADVANCE or else your home away from home won't be as comforting and healthy as you'd like. Will there be fluorescents at your friend's or family's house? Ask them if they could pick up a few incandescents on their next shopping trip--you'll pick up the tab. And remember: always have your eyewear to protect yourself from unavoidable lighting!

For those of you with phonophobia and/or trouble sleeping: bring earplugs! You never know what will be happening around you, and missing out on good sleep will drive any person crazy--and it will make it more likely you have a migraine episode.

3. Have all your medication packed in your CARRY-ON bag. In the rare chance your luggage is lost or delayed, you can't afford to screw up your schedule, especially since your normal life routine has been shifted around for the day.

4. Have abortive meds nearby--in your pocket or in an easily accessible part of your carry-on bag. No worrying that you have to wake up the snoring man next to you in order to get your meds from the overhead bin--just keep them very close! Even if you don't have an episode, you'll be comforted by the proximity of your salvation.

5. Tell yourself (and your traveling companions, if applicable) you have Migraine disease, and tell them when you're nearing your limit or when you won't be able to participate. Don't eat foods that are on your list of triggers just because a very charming hostess has offered them up to you. Don't go to the amusement park if a long, hot day in the sun will make you sick. Be honest with yourself so you can best enjoy your free time, and don't try to pack in too many things without scheduling in some down time.

6. Carry some granola bars or other healthy snack with you to combat low blood sugar. Most of us know by now that skipping meals is a sure-fire migraine trigger for most. Keeping a snack or three in your purse or carry-on bag could very well save you from having a Migraine attack when you're rushing to and fro and have no time to get a meal.

I'm sure I could ramble on, but I'll leave it at that. I was going to write another post for this here Migraine Blog Carnival, but since I'm leaving in a few hours' time, I have travel on my mind.

Speaking of that, I need to take my own advice and remind myself that it's time for bed. ;)

the face of rejection

That's me, all right. With renewed hope and energy, I applied for an insurance plan yet again a few weeks back. Last week an agent from the insurance company called me to talk about the medications I am on now (as well as the ones I have taken for the past three years). I was honest and straight-forward while also telling the extremely helpful agent how much this would change my life, to actually have insurance again. I told her how I hadn't even had to fill my triptan prescriptions yet because of all the free samples my doctor gives. I told her how I'd weaned myself off of some expensive drugs months ago and had no interest in starting them again. I assured her that I was still taking measures to prevent Migraine attacks, but that instead of being expensive pharmaceuticals, they're herbs and vitamins I pay for out of my own pocket.

She spoke as if I would be covered. I assume that tone is easier to take, rather than beginning each explanatory sentence with, "If you are chosen as someone we'll cover, then this is how it will work..."

I had high hopes. I thought that THIS time it would work. My hopes were diminished a bit when she ended the call by saying, "All right, Janet, I'll report all this information to our underwriters and get back to you." Underwriters look at the number of meds and the various diagnoses you have. In my experience, they don't really factor in how badly someone could be helped by insurance--that would chop their profits in half, I'm sure, were they to accept those that needed it for frequent care.


In any case, I got a letter back on Saturday afternoon, indicating that the decision was made by the underwriters almost instantly. After all, they must have sent the letter the day I spoke with the agent, given the turnaround time. The answer? NO. The reason? A history of chronic Migraine disease and various prescriptions medications on my record prevented me from being approved.

Duh, that's why I need it.

I've been putting off watching Michael Moore's Sicko since I've been pretty sure it'd really piss me off. I think I'm ready to be really angry about this. Maybe I'll rent it this week.

GRRR!

crying wolf

Most of us chronic pain folks have written or talked about it before: that uncomfortable feeling you experience when you're trying to figure out if you are having a pain attack or not. For the last few days, I've had this general feeling of unwellness. Chalk it it up to the allergens floating around my head, chalk it up to the fluctuating temperatures in my town. In any case, I haven't felt good in several days, not ever for more than a few minutes at a time. Always lurking, always waiting, is that dull pain that may or may not signify the coming of a migraine.

Should I take my preventive meds (now Maxalt, formerly Relpax) to stop the pain in its tracks? Or should I just try to relax and not let the pain get the better of me? In the former case, I fear I'm taking a $20+ pill for a migraine attack that will never escalate. In the latter case, I skip out on the meds and, a short time later, look up or wake up to realize I have a class-A migraine headache on my hands.

The pharmaceutical industry would have me pop a triptan the second I have any "sure" hint of a migraine appear. But what is a sure hint? How about the many days I just feel less-than-okay, just a little under the weather and not sure if my situation will get worse? I certainly can't pop a Maxalt each time I feel the beginnings of a headache, as that status is rather frequent in my life and I would have my maximum amount of allowed triptans already in my body by the time a Real Headache rolled around. I would have cried wolf on my subtle pain so many times that by the time the Real Pain took over, I wouldn't be believed anymore, wouldn't be allowed to take the drug that could let me escape.

A conundrum. A problem. One I've been dealing with for years now with no real results. Anyone have any comments about this?

No blog attention means missed opportunities!

I opened the email account reserved particularly for this blog today and found a week-old email, one that must have been sent to me mere minutes after the last time I checked my account. A freelance writer named Alicia Blog is putting an article together for Health Magazine. She's interested in strange headache triggers and wanted to talk to me (yes, me! somewhat anonymous, occasionally-writing me!) about ponytail headache, which I experience frequently but don't mention all too much here. She'd seen a March 2006 blog entry wherein I mentioned this elusive, painful phenomenon.

I've written her back but fear it's too late to have the short phone interview she mentioned. Ah, well.

In any case, the article should be pretty interesting--a piece dedicated to unusual triggers for headaches? Sounds like this will be great reading for us Migraineurs who want to get the word out to the so-called "normal" folk that yes, indeedy, foods that are banal for most can make us shut the drapes, call in the troops for help, and pop a $25 pill. That is to say, for example, a banana may mean sudden death for some and a lick of Nutrasweet may seem to be the end for others.

If she gives me word on when the article comes out, I'll be sure to post it here!

2 days in a row with no headache? Can it be?

As I may've mentioned in my last post (I'm too lazy to look back...), I have been suffering from the longest stint of Migraine-infused days in my recent history. This streak beats even my worst menstrual Migraines--I've been repeatedly put out of commission for days on end as the temperatures in my town soar and hover right around the 100 degree mark.

Friday night I worked for a couple of hours while suffering from a pretty bad headache. I had taken Relpax and Naproxen around 9:30, but by 11:20, I felt no relief, just the ever-throbbing pain getting worse. Being around people and music and noise and chatter wasn't helping, so as soon as my duties were done at 11:30, I split, taking up my beau's offer for him to close up shop for me. (All that was left to do was count up some money and pay myself and the band I was working the door for.) In any case, I was home in bed by midnight, utterly awake but unable to do anything but lie still.

Saturday, no pain to speak of.
Sunday, same scenario.

I feel as if a great weight has been lifted. I timidly step into this painless territory after nine or ten days of not being able to have a normal life, and I'm even more nervous than usual that I carry a teensy, ticking time bomb, that my pain-free hours are short-lived and that I'd better live it up before I get another Migraine headache.

That's all. Hope everyone is feeling good!!

a pain a day

I have had a headache every day for the last week or so. This achey, sinusy feeling throbbing on the left side of my head feels like a grade 2 Migraine headache. It's only progressed to a full-fledged Migraine twice in 8 days, and I've only taken a triptan twice. I am wary of taking pain medication for it because I don't want my chronic daily headache to rear its ugly head again in the same way it used to. This is how it used to feel, minus the sinusy aspects.

Had I not learned that the vast majority "sinus headaches" are really undiagnosed Migraine headaches, I'd think I were suffering from a sinus headache in part. I also feel the way I do the night before I get my period, that particular brand of Migraine I endure right before the onset.

It has been around 100 degrees out every day for the last several days here, and maybe that has something to do with this. I don't know. I just feel tired and helpless since I feel I can't take my medication due to fear of rebound headache.

movin' on up (and over)

Last night--or was it very early this morning?--I woke up in a haze and stumbled to the bathroom, suddenly realizing I was parched. I filled my glass up with water and had several gulps.

It wasn't until I was headed back to my bedroom that I registered the pain that had been with me for the preceding little while, the pain that had presumably helped to awaken me. It was as if a hollowed out section of my head had been left gaping right there in the middle of my forehead. It felt like my Migraine pain, but it was so strangely located for me (mine are on the left side of my head 90% of the time, the right side roughly 10% of the time, and in the neck and back of the head) that I didn't know what to make of it.

I felt as if I had a strange, dull, open wound in my forehead. It was throbbing and had been stuffed with cotton. The pain wasn't horrible enough that I couldn't sleep--probably about a 6 on the 10-point scale.

I was so exhausted and out of it that I went back to bed.

I didn't remember the episode until this evening, about an hour ago when the same pain made its slow return in the same place, but this time with little tiny wings extending on each side of the imagined hole, the wings flapping lightly and ever-so-painfully above each eyebrow.

Time, I say, for drugs.

Time, I say, for bed.

It's disconcerting for the pain to have moved, to have migrated again. As much as I don't like the Migraine headaches that have made their home in my skull for the last 14 years, there's a twisted sense of comfort in expecting where they'll be, knowing where they'll show up and usually knowing when. For the Migraine to appear in a morphed form in another room in the house is strange, unfamiliar.

Best to evict it and have it make its slothful return in a few days to where it belongs, tucked in a corner behind my left eyeball.

You've got an hour to get out of here, headache, or I'm throwing you out on the lawn.

a little human touch...

So maybe having someone hug me, hold me, talk to me, or stroke my hair is particularly soothing during a Migraine attack mainly because I am an extraordinarily affectionate person to begin with. But I just wanted to say how incredible it is to have others' support while I'm feeling awful.

I've mentioned before that I don't always tell people what's going on with me, health-wise: "Oh, I'm just tired." "Oh, I have a lot of work to do." "Oh, something came up--I'm just not going to be able to make it." In recent months, I've really tried to tell friends the truth as to what's going on in my brain: chaotic, throbbing pain.

To my relief and joy, people have been supportive. Here are just a few snippets of what some exceptional people have contributed to my life lately, causing me to smile and helping the pain be just a little less sharp.

1. My friend R. learned about my Migraine disease several weeks ago during a chat over beers. He has turned out to be incredibly supportive of my search for new methods to help my pain. Some things he's done? Well, he told me he would give me his head if he could. (Silly, but the sentiment was genuine!) He also has done research on Migraine and has forwarded me some enlightening articles.

2. I've said before that I've been getting "weekend headache" during the last several months. A couple of nights ago, I had to go home early due to the pain. Wanting to be supportive of my friends tipsy hunger, I told L. I would try to eat with her downtown. Unfortunately, the restaurant's lighting was entirely too bright and I couldn't stand it. She made her order a take-out one and stood outside with me, making me change benches so that the seemingly glaringly bright street lights wouldn't blind me--she stroked my head as she stood strategically in between my throbbing eyeballs and the street lamps.

3. That same night, I got home and took my medication. Checked my email for the hell of it and one of the boys I'm not-dating-but-not-not-dating was online. As one who's especially vulnerable when trying to endure a Migraine attack, I told him what was going on with me. He stayed online with me as I typed to him how I was feeling. Though he lives really far away, he let me know how he would hug me and hold me if he could. As cheesy as it sounds, that support was so very comforting.

4. Final vignette, and then I'm off to bed.

My insurance plan allows me to spend $1000 on prescription drugs before I have to start paying for the medications myself. Surprise, surprise: with the cost of Migraine medication, my allotment was out after only 3 months of being on my 12-month insurance plan. Recently I got my refill on Relpax & Effexor XR (for Migraine treatment and not for depression, as it's commonly prescribed). The pharmacist was kind but impersonal as she had me sigh the check. "So, you don't have insurance?"
"Oh, I do, but the prescription allotment ran out."
(No comment from pharmacist.)
The grand total for one month of Effexor plus 12 Relpax pills was well over $300. I tried to beam like a champion as I signed away what little money I have in my account. I wanted the pharmacist to smile or do something to acknowledge my situation. Nothing.

Then, as I handed her my signed copy of the receipt, she looked at me and said, "God bless you, ____." I'm not religious, and I must note that her tone was more of one used by a lovely girl raised in the South who uses the phrase frequently rather than one who is extremely Christian.

Just those words, along with her look of genuine empathy, were enough to drive me to tears. I said a quick thanks and made my way out of the building as my eyes filled with water.

Just these little moments make things feel so much better. Just having someone make the effort to connect with me and say that he/or she understands a bit of my struggle means the world...

The infamous REBOUND HEADACHE

Are you familiar with this phenomenon? In my life, it has taken on a life of its own. What follows is an all-too-real example of it.

On Friday night, I wasn't feeling up to par--but what else is new? And is it fair to say I wasn't feeling up to par when my par is usually not too high? I wasn't feeling up to a healthy person's par, I should say. I thought I would be okay to go out with friends. Unfortunately, the headache got worse rather rapidly and I could feel my brain throbbing as I walked with a friend to my car and was trying to figure out which party to attend next. (No, my social calendar is usually not packed--but I did have two get-togethers I'd promised to drop by.) We decided to drop by my house before the parties, and as soon as I sat down in my faithful recliner, I realized that the Migraine wasn't going anywhere. In fact, it was making itself more known by the second. After being home for 20 minutes, I asked my friend if she minded if we skipped the parties. I dropped her off at home and then went to bed, avoiding the Relpax because I wanted to see if I could sleep it off.

Sleeping off a Migraine is something that used to work for me, but it hasn't done too well by me for the last several years. Perhaps it was just the quiet passage of time that temporarily cured the pain. In any case, now I am caught in the all-too-common dichotomous nature of Migraine treatments.

1. We are told to take our Relpax (or Imitrex, or whatever drug you need to kick a Migraine out) at the first sign of Migraine. I can't do this because I have CDH and have the first sign of a Migraine almost every hour of the day. I usually must wait 'til it gets progressively worse.
The more you let your body get into the pattern of getting Migraines, the more easily the pain comes back the next time, having mastered the neural passageways and routes necessary to dilate and constrict the arteries and veins.
2. If one takes a reactive Migraine drug like Relpax or Imitrex, he or she can expect to get another Migraine in 12-48 hours. This is what's dubbed "the rebound headache." Our poor patient will either suffer through this second Migraine or take another Relpax to fight it off. If a third rebound headache occurs, she's not to take another Relpax. One cannot become dependent upon this drug, so one ends up in agony much of the time if she's already suffered through two Migraine episodes in a row.

Back to this weekend. I awoke on Saturday morning with the headache being even worse than it was the night before. After stumbling about the house for an hour or so, I sucked it up and took a Relpax along with 500mg of Naproxen (my doctor's prescription, not my own addition). Within 1 1/2 hours, I felt great. I've never felt so wonderful as I do when the drugs have kicked in & there's no trace of a headache for a few hours. Sigh. All-powerful me! I went out with friends, visited a neighbor, went to a play, and stayed out until 3 or 4 AM.

Sunday morning? Yep. Migraine. Not a hangover headache as I had initially thought (& half-hoped). I took Relpax (plus the Naproxen, of course) and eventually felt good.

But I can't ever feel entirely good, knowing I'm utterly dependent on ridiculously, unfairly expensive medication. My pain this weekend cost a lot in terms of psychological and physical strain, but it also cost me lots in U.S. dollars: about $55 for prescriptions my plan no longer covers.

When I think about it in those terms, a ghost of pain shoots through my head. As usual, it's time to avoid this topic and pretend I'm "normal" in the hopes of having an okay day.