If you miss school, you can't go to the dance in the evening.

Growing up, I remember how excited we'd all get for those rare school dances. This started as early as third grade, I think--it wasn't 'til junior prom that I attended dances where people actually danced, but that's another story all together.

In the morning and afternoon announcements the days leading up to the Big Day, a teacher would consistently remind us that if we were absent the day of the dance, we would not be allowed on school property for the evening event. At the time, this rule bugged me a bit, but I couldn't put words to why it didn't seem fair. Always one for specifics, I could think of several different reasons why the school should make exceptions to this rule. (Truth be told, I did this any time there was a blanket, one-size-fits-all rule that was imposed on us.)

Today I feel crappy, plus Jim's doctor reinstated his bed rest prescription. (Jim had a tonsillectomy over a week ago and was on the mend but, after some un-scary bleeding, he had to go back to squishy foods and no exertion. This means I'm his nursemaid.) There's a lot going on in town today, too, things I don't want to miss. My migraine-plus-cold situation means no Indie Craftstravaganza for me, no neighborhood party, and no neighborhood association meeting at 4. Earlier I was feeling too blah to take my Maxalt, worried that maybe this was a "normal" headache associated with my cold and not a migraine (though time has shown that this is indeed a migraine; just have to convince myself to stand up and walk to the bathroom to fetch the meds). Then I thought, "Well, even if the Maxalt does work, I won't be allowed to go to the fundraiser party tonight. If I don't make it to the neighborhood association meeting in the afternoon, I can't go to the party in the evening."

You can see why I thought of my days in school, listening to the teacher as she told us in a scolding voice that missing the day of the dance meant no dance.

Of course I know that, when they work well, migraine-specific medications can wipe out the attack and render the migraineur able to function somewhat normally within hours. That if Maxalt works as it does 65% of the time for me, I could rest at home for a bit and end up at the fundraiser party at 7 in top form.

But my neighbors don't know that. I can't help but think, "What will they say if I email to cancel my participation at the meeting and then show up at a party hours later? They'll think I'm a faker!"

Of course this is an issue that's faced by many chronically ill folks like me. What have your experiences been? I am wary of overexplaining the ins and outs of my illness to people (close friends and strangers alike), but I don't feel comfortable showing up for a social function after having skipped the more boring duties earlier in the day.

I think more than I write.

I think about writing many times a day. That is to say, many times a day I find myself thinking about writing. During my evening walks, I look around my neighborhood and think about all the deep, meaningful things I could say. Of all the wry observations I could make. Of all the silly commentaries I could provide to entertain myself.

But when I get back home again, I don't write. I've neglected my blogs, my letters, and my journals. I've neglected my email. I just haven't felt like writing when actually presented with the chance.

The angel on my shoulder encourages me and fills my head with stuff and nonsense: Janet, you're not writing because you don't yet know how to express all the deep, impressive, and wonderfully moving thoughts you're having. You have a Master's degree with a focus on creativity theory: you know that you must incubate before you can produce an original idea, an original creation! You're just incubating!

The cynical, self-deprecating part of me has different thoughts all together: You're a scaredy cat. From the moment you learned to put pencil to paper, you've thought--at least glancingly--that you'd become an author. You are a good writer but will never have the guts or the willpower to be a great one, the one you know you can be. So you just rest on your laurels, write nothing, and tell yourself that you'd be great...if you were in the mood to try.

Of course the truth probably runs somewhere between those two extremes. I definitely know that elements of each argument hit a little too close to home--this suggests to me that both my kind and evil sides know a bit of what's going on inside my mind regaring my self-motivation (or lack thereof).

Writing this blog has helped me in ways I could never really describe. I have a sense of community with readers and with other folks whose blogs I read. There's a whole community of us out there, a community I tapped into at just the right time, right when I was feeling most isolated about my disease. Telling my friends and family was a big step--an important one that has improved relationships and opened lines of communication. But it's also hard to post about pain and suffering when you know your mom or sister or aunt or boyfriend could be reading. Strangers out there may sympathize with our migrainous plight and wish us well, but family and friends can be hurt reading about how much of a struggle it is to live with this illness day to day.

view from my apartment in Bs. As.

Recently I've been both bummed and relieved. Strange combination, I know. The month I was in Buenos Aires was wonderful and lovely and relaxing, but my migraine frequency skyrocketed. A disappointment, to say the least, especially after I'd been doing remarkably well post-December's doctor appointment. In Buenos Aires, I had to break my healthy diet rules nearly every day, as dairy and white, enriched flour and other no-nos were sometimes impossible to avoid if I wanted to have any sustenance at all. I lived with 1-2 roommates (friends) at a time in a comfy but small apartment. This led me to a truth I'd been on the brink of already: having a boyfriend as an occasional roommate is far different from having a friend-roommate. At least if the boyfriend is J. and the girlfriend is me. I know that my friends don't need to be entertained; I know that roommates/guests don't necessarily need my help and guidance and company. But, man! It was definitely more of an effort sharing a space with them than it is sharing one with J. (We have yet to do an official move-in, but it may happen by the end of this year. Maybe. We'll see.)

But back to the matter at hand. Since I've been back from Buenos Aires, I've not had one migraine. Not a one! I've relished the mere thought of being able to eat my meals in my own house. I've eated two meals out in two weeks. (Well, three meals if you count that very necessary 3 AM snack at Huddle house with Christa last weekend.) This is not like me. I tend to eat out a few days a week. But now the thoughts of rice and stir-fried vegetables trump any desire for pizza, heretofore desirable cream sauces and pasta, etc. I feel remarkably better when I eat well, and the truth of that was emphasized by the month in Argentina when I couldn't stick to my diet rules. Now I'm feeling no migraine pain and have no tummy issues. Whew.

However, something else is afoot. I'm exhausted, achey, tired, and more all the time. The list goes on and on. I've a sneaking suspicion something else is going on with my body. Next week I see the doctor again and will figure some more stuff out. Maybe results from yesterday's blood work will yield some answers.

All in all, things are going well and I'm confident they'll keep getting better. Hope you're feeling similarly about your own lives.

blurry vision day + screen smarts

From the moment I woke up today, my head felt funny. Stuffy and tight, dizzying and borderline-achy. For some moments, it felt as if my sinuses were slowly and painfully trying to press at my skin and burst out. (Gross, I know--but the truth hurts, kids.)

I've mentioned before how going into brightly lit megastores or driving down a rainy road can make my vision go a bit wonky. Today I was having a less-than-stellar vision day--thank goodness for glasses! Things looked hazy, and squinting to look at faraway objects merely irritated my head, face, and sinuses even more. Street signs were blurry and I had to be much closer to them than usual in order to read their words. (Again I express gratitude for my glasses, especially the rose-tinted ones that are especially pleasant on overcast days.)

After I write this blog entry, I'm going to close the computer and not open it again! You hear me, young lady? (Yes ma'am.) I've been spending way too much time online lately, and it's not been for any real reason. Checking my Facebook page every hour is quite unnecessary, as is feverishly looking at my four (4!) Gmail accounts and my bank account information. I feel almost compulsive in my internet behavior this week, telling myself I'll shut the laptop after I check all the accounts and my Facebook account one last time before finishing up with computer time.

Because the computer oozes an eerie glow that's not so pleasant to the eyes, I should be further motivated to shut the darned thing off more often than I do. On a day like today, when I'm feeling a bit under the weather (aforementioned vision blurriness and head stuffiness combined with some back pain), it's easier yet more harmful to keep the laptop in my lap instead of getting up and being a little more active. Bleh.

Today I also had some fast food, which I've not done much in 2009. For weeks I've been eating well--lots of veggies and good-for-you fresh foods. To suddenly indulge in salty French fries and chicken is, in three words, numbing, gross, and heavy.

So Lazy Monster bids you adieu. Time to shut the computer and drink a tall glass of water. Time to listen to music and tidy the house. Time to finish that letter I started last night. Time to stop staring at screens. Time to stay at home and relax despite the fact that some friends have shows (music shows, that is) tonight. Time to not make myself feel guilty for missing friends' shows. Time to say goodnight.

Goodnight

the best is yet to come!

I've been doing better and better at staying positive--it helps that my migraine frequency and severity have both plummeted in the last month and a half, I know.

Goals for 2009:

• Eat well (and according to doctor's instructions) -- this means limiting dairy (wah) and cutting out as much refined & white flour as possible. This means eating more fresh fruit and veggies. No regular intake of sugary sweetness.
  
• Exercise frequently. No need to pressure myself to become a runner or hard-core cardioaddict. Just regular, gentle exercise. Slow laps in the pool, long walks around the neighborhood, yoga class. Take it easy while staying in shape and keeping those delicious endorphins and serotonin levels coursing through my body.
• Accept my life as it is and figure out which goals of mine are realistic. Don't take on too much. Meditate. Learn to calm myself down and lower stress. Don't overcommit. Do make time for friends and family when possible and healthy. Don't give myself guilt trips for not accomplishing every single thing I have ever considered.
  
• Sleep as regularly as possible. Try to cut out naps (wah). Wake up around the same time each day.
• Don't get intimidated by the above goals! Any little bit I can do will help; the more I do, the better off I am.
  

I wish you all good health and happiness in 2009. I haven't been blogging as much because I haven't wanted to think too much about migraine while feeling well. No, I don't think I'll jinx myself or anything; it's just that, for the moment, I don't need this outlet as much. Oh, okay--and I think I'll jinx my current good fortune just a bit.

That being said, goodbye for now! Talk to you next year.

I wash my hands of this!

After nearly four years of being on my condo association's board of directors (first as secretary, then as secretary/treasurer, and now as treasurer), I have felt some relief: due to my urging, we are going to hire an association management company to take over! I'll still retain my fancy title but with 99% of the work going to the management company and not to me. No more putting notices in people's boxes, asking them to clean up their yards! No more invoicing neighbors for their late, monthly condo dues! No more meeting with accountants multiple times a year to work out the books and file the taxes! No more emailing homeowners asking them to get their tenants to clean up the remnant's from Friday night's party! No more emailing association members repeatedly with getting very little in return! No more feeling guilty because I didn't do as much as I felt I should have (despite no one else doing much at all)! No more reminding people once a month that they cannot leave garbage in piles OUTSIDE of the cans! No more calling the garbage service to ask them to clean up extra mess! (See photo.)

Yay! Joy! Heaven!

There's still more work to go, but that works is OURS (and not mine), as it should have been all along. I can't say how many neighborhood-related woes have contributed to migraine attacks.

Whew.

great, overarching NY Times article on Migraine

I just searched The New York Times website for any articles related to migraine. Here's what I found: a very well-written, comprehensive, and easy-to-follow article on the disease. This could be a good resource to give to coworkers or friends who are curious to know more about Migraine but might not want to read an entire book.

And speaking of books: my copy of The Migraine Brain arrived today. I think I'll start it now. Also of note? I ordered the much-talked-about Sinus Buster Migraine Headache Nasal Spray. I want to try it now and see if it's as hard to inhale as it sounds--I mean, there's a lot of PEPPER in there going up your nostrils! I'll wait 'til I have a Migraine attack, though. I'll keep you posted with feedback.

Goodnight!

clean house!

Tomorrow morning, a wonderfully friendly (and highly recommended) house cleaner is coming over here. I'm so excited. She's going to clean my house from top to bottom!

Here's the sad truth, folks. I hope you don't respect me any less (assuming you respected me in the first place) and hope your judgment is not too harsh. But let me lay it all out for you: I do not clean. Really ever. I can pretty well count on two hands the number of times I've thoroughly swept my house's hardwood floors. I can count on one hand the days I've mopped the floor. (There was that 5 AM after party mopping session conducted by my friend D. and me--we had to go over the living room floor literally 7 times in one night to clean up. But it WAS a good party. We'll count that as one mopping session, however.) Once every couple of months I clean the stove, and I'll wipe the linty baseboards in my bathroom-cum-laundry room if they happen to catch my eye. Getting down on my knees to scrub hurts my back, irritates my mood, and leaves me feeling generally unwell. Even if I were entirely healthy, I can't say that I'd be a cleaner.

What I can do--if I so choose--is organize. I love shelving (alphabetizing & organizing) books, rearranging picture frames, making sure my desk is just so, and having my bed made most days. Though it doesn't often look too impressive, I like having the bathroom counter organized and fairly sparse. I like the laundry to be folded immediately after drying and put away promptly. But I do not--repeat, DO NOT--scrub and polish and scour.

I'll leave that to my maid.

Oh, I'm so excited!!! Hiring a cleaner is yet another step in my slow-moving, quite unofficial plan to remove stressors from my life that I don't really need. I was stressed out about the election--hey, I think everyone was. That's normal. I get stressed about work and try to remind myself that remaining calm is better. I get stressed about my Migraine disease but try not to let that get out of hand. These, to me, are legitimate reasons to worry once in awhile. Keeping a house clean is not.

So here's what I've done so far to help myself be less strung-out and annoyed over highly controllable things:

1. I got a dishwasher. I save myself hours of back-bendingly uncomfortable dishwashing each month. I load up the dishwasher as I use dishes, so there's never any counter mess. I love it.
2. I have started giving things I NEVER use and no longer love away to friends and on freecycle. Just a few weeks ago, some girlfriends and I had a clothing exchange party: we turned my entire house into a modest consignment store, putting different types of clothing in each room. Each of us ended up with at least a modest loot; the remaining clothes and accessories went to one of our city's wonderful thrift stores. I have posted lots of giveaway items on freecycle, ridding myself of old toaster ovens, tables, accessories, etc. I no longer need.
3. I bought one of those over-the-toilet shelving units I swore I'd never get. It's a bit weak and blocks some of the light from the window, but it has saved me lots of room. Now my bathroom cabinets aren't stuffed with crap; in fact, they're fairly organized and have stayed that way for weeks!
4. I have tried more and more to be less hard on myself for not keeping the house clean and organized all the time. Practice may not lead to perfection, but I'm getting better at not beating myself up too much for being messy and/or dirty.
5. I hired a house cleaner. And I should probably get out of this chair so I can see if there's anything else I can put away (aka hide in drawers) before her morning arrival! Wish me luck.

Out of commission

I'm on day three of a Migraine attack. It flirted around a bit on Wednesday morning and decided to move in a little after noon that day. I expected a migraine the day after election day--the deflation of all that pent-up stress and worry, the sudden rush of relief, and the election-themed shots at the bar that were such a good idea at the time.

What I didn't expect was to continue feeling this way. I've been out of commission for days now! Last week it was a cold and slight fever--this week it's migraine with slight fever. My Maxalt kicked in yesterday afternoon (day 2 of migraine) right before I went to babysit. After babysitting, I had plans to drive up to Greenville to see some friends play music, and I was pleased to still feel happy and excited about this. The Maxalt had finally kicked my migraine's butt. On the way home from the show, the left side of my face started to feel pinched and a bit numb; my vision dulled a bit. The migraine was coming back.

I woke up today with a very heavy head. Tried to rest, eat a healthy breakfast, and have plenty of liquids along with my daily herbal meds. I'd taken my triptan two days in a row (twice on Wednesday; once on Thursday), so that plan was out. Perhaps some no-impact exercise would help and would me to avoid having to take my rescue meds! I headed to the YMCA and swam laps for awhile. The water felt great, and moving around in the water distracted me from the pain a bit. Unfortunately, the visit was not an entire success: the goggles were painful to wear around my seemingly swollen head, and the water pressure wasn't doing my sinuses any favors. Afterward, my ears were killing me--I've always been sensitive to water pressure, but in recent years I've gotten earaches after swimming even if I've not gone too deep. After my YMCA adventure, I was definitely worse for the wear.

I drove home with blurry eyes and took some Lortab after all. Now I feel unpleasantly loopy, tired, and out of it. Have a big translation assignment due tomorrow that I put off at first because of my mom's visit (and the election excitement); now I'm putting it off because I am in such discomfort. I hate feeling like a slacker despite my knowing that I'm physically and mentally unable to do my best (and speediest) work right now. Still I feel bad.

Just another Oct. 31

I skipped Halloween tonight. This seems pretty sad at first: I mean, I have always loved Halloween and tend to dress up each year--if you exclude a handful of early high school Halloweens when I was too cool (and too old, according to my parents) to dress up and go trick-or-treating.

I've told you a little bit about my dear friend HT before. She and I are very similar in a variety of ways--it's not just our height and Germanic looks. (What an odd non-Janet-sounding sentence. I'll keep it.) We get along well for many reasons; it helps that she is perhaps the only real-life person I know who genuinely understands what it's like to live with a chronic illness. Because our personalities and senses of humor are so similar, our perspectives are that much more in sync.

Earlier this week, I called her to see if she'd be interesting in spending the night IN on Halloween. As the night is her favorite holiday, I knew she might be reluctant to commit. As she'd been pretty sick off and on for the weeks prior, I knew she'd probably end up being able to hang out with little old me. As it turns out, we did get to spend time together. We had dinner, chit-chatted, and watched The Shining for the first time in over a decade (for each of us). Let me just tell you: this movie is AWESOME. I somehow remembered it as being sort of slow and boring until the final scenes--but my 28-year-old self now scolds my high school self for not having realized how wonderfully suspenseful the film is. The experience I had watching it was lessened by the pain and discomfort I felt during the loud scenes or very bright shots. I thought to myself a few times, "Wow--this would REALLY be painful in a movie theatre!" I asked HT to turn the volume down once or twice, but the high-pitched, sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat squeaky strings still got to me. When I watch TV with my boyfriend, I almost always have to ask him to turn it down for me. (He's a musician who must already have irreversible hearing damage; I'm an ultra-sensitive girlfriend who is getting paid back by karma for all the times her older sister used to tell her to turn down the volume.) I can relax pretty well on my own, but now even laid-back activities are threats of pain and discomfort. I don't like that, even when I'm in a friend's quiet, smoke-free house--a place that should be lovely for a migraineur--I have to ask her to make many adjustments to accommodate me.

I suppose I feel as if I'm always on guard; that a trigger could be waiting around the corner. IS waiting around the corner, and I've got to be quick enough to catch it.

Even now I'm affected by the unintentional elements of my visit. When HT gave me a long hug goodnight, I could smell hand sanitizer on her, hand sanitizer with a strong scent (strong for me, at least). Even the hug couldn't be an enjoyable goodbye--instead I was thinking, "Oh, I hope she doesn't hold on too long, because that smell is going to wear off onto my clothes and it'll bug me!" Now I'm sitting at this computer, 30 minutes after saying goodnight, and the hand sanitizer smell is wafting through the air and sending daggers through my nose into my brain. Sorry.

So yeah. Back to Halloween. We drove downtown once to deliver HT's husband's i.d. to him--he'd forgotten to carry it along with him in his costume. We got to see a few costumes and were creepily incognito: we wore bags on our heads as we parked outside my favorite bar and waited for HT's husband to come out. Only he and two other friends knew who we were; they snapped a few photos of us. I looked beyond them and saw many of my friends outside the bar, no one knowing I was near. And then we pulled off.

And you know what? I'm not sorry I didn't got out. At this pinot, the night is over for most folks in town and I'm sure they had a great time. So did I. I continue to get used to this lower-key Janet who chooses to stay in when she used to be social, social, social. I hope I stop questioning her choices so much and trust her to do the right thing.

Y-M-C-A!

I have had the scholarship application for the Athens YMCA in my hands for months now. The duty of acquiring all the official documentation to prove that joining the Y is out of my budget...? Well, that's a duty I wasn't accomplishing.

Yesterday, I put "finish YMCA scholarship app." on my things-to-do list. I had a couple of questions for the Y, so I emailed the man in charge. Come to find out the scholarships are for kids. Uh.... Oops. Nevermind the fact that the forms don't mention that.

The friendly contact person did tell me that adults in need could have the "building fee" waived in an attempt for them to be able to afford the Y. "How do I go about applying for that?" I asked in an email last evening. This morning I got a reply from him--he just asked that I print out his email stating the building fee was waived for me.

Done and done.

How easy as pie was that? I love how I lazed around with that defunct application for months only to find out all it took was a simple email interaction and request.

Procrastination = bad
Being proactive = good

Now...back to avoiding my work.

achy and lazy

Saturday I woke up tired. Tired and sore. Most likely that's because I stayed up pretty late Friday night and had one too many vodka-sodas. Fair enough. I didn't feel hungover OR migrainey (miracle of miracles), but I was achy and tired much of the day. When night fell, however, I was awake and energetic and inspired. J. and I had some sushi, went to see a friend play music downtown, and then rented a movie. I was in a silly, hyper, ridiculous mood until I fell asleep around 1:30.

The next night (last night, Sunday), I was up really late again. I saw a movie with my friend and, after walking home, took my nightly meds and planned to go to sleep. But THEN my beau came over to hang out, and we ended up making pizza at one in the morning (I had only snacked for dinner instead of eating a real meal, so I was hungry!) and watching a movie. Again, despite having a tired, achy day, my night was fun and silly and giggly. (I am pretty weird in real life, this I must admit--the last two evenings I exploited this trait for all its worth.)

I was wired and couldn't fall asleep last night. Eventually I shut the light off around 3:45 AM; of course that meant I didn't wake up 'til an embarrasingly late hour today. I've accomplished some things around the house (wrote a couple of emails, did the dishes, tidied up, visited with a good friend I've not seen in a LONG time, etc.), but I feel unaccomplished, tired, achy, and lazy overall. Wholly uninspired. It could be that my lovely time of the month is settling in for its visit. Perhaps the achiness is due to that. It could be because I skipped out on this week's exercise and yoga. Maybe none of the above. Maybe all of the above.

In any case, I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside, knowing that getting up and being active is the way to go. But since I have work tonight and a big editing assignment coming in the mail tomorrow, I feel like vegging while I can. So I continue in this pattern of achy laziness.

Let's hope I'm not so down on myself tomorrow.

gentle yoga, part 2

I had another good hour-long yoga class yesterday. It was hard to believe that an entire week had passed since my last class! Of course I started to give myself a hard time for not going to yoga several times a week, but within a few minutes I refocused my thoughts and patted myself on the back for finally making the time and effort to go once a week. I'll build up to more classes as my body and schedule allow. (It helps ease the guilt when I see that the other relevant classes at my nearby studio are offered when I am working.)

The teacher gave me a couple good tips for taking care of my head. The most important recommendation for yoga movements (according to her)? Try not to put my head below the rest of my body to avoid having the blood rush to my head. (For example, in child's pose, she thought it'd be good for me to rest my head on a soft yoga block instead of having it all the way down on the ground. As I detest the feeling of blood rushing to my head, I will take this advice!)

Hello, Four Eyes

I'm going to a franchised eyeglass/eye exam store today to get glasses. I looked at the prices/selection at one of the only local eye businesses, and the prices were just too high. Sorry, local business. I've bought from you before but can't do it this time around.

I'm going to Pearle Vision, whose eye exams are purportedly half the price of Lenscrafters' exams. (Pearle = $40. Lenscrafters = $80.) Let's hope the people are as friendly and helpful in person as they have been over the phone.

In a sense, I feel as if I'm givin' up the dream--the Irlen dream. But my two attempts to reach the only listed Irlen representative in Georgia have been unsuccessful, and the rose- and anti-glare-tinting Pearle offers will help a LOT, I think. I think.

Right now I feel daunted by the high prices I'm about to pay. Clearly I will be spending a lot, despite the lovely AAA 30% discount and any other specials they throw at me. Getting new glasses is a HUGE investment, so part of me--a BIG part of me--is tempted to try to cheapen the deal, not going for all the fancy lens coatings and filters they offer. (A well-trained skeptic, I sometimes go overboard in my mistrust of salespeople and the things they offer unto me.) But lots of [unofficial, online] research and some reading of official manuscripts in medical journals has led me to this: I will buy those fancy filters. I'm goin' for as many as I can get, as different people and different studies suggest that each of the fancy filters I'm about to list has helped with glare, night driving, computer-staring, and--tadum!--fluorescent lighting. I'll go for the rose tint on a pair, added to the UV filter, polarized lenses, and non-glare coating. I'll be migraine-free--and broke--before you know it!


Tee hee.

I do pay tons to visit my less-than-steller neurologist & company in Atlanta every few months. Considering the price of gas, the 1.5-hour ride, and the $135 appointment fee (not payable by my credit card), I sure do pay a lot to TREAT my migraines. Why not pay a lot to help prevent?


Fingers crossed. Thank god for my AMEX and the necessary things it helps me buy. Can't wait til my first work paycheck comes in and I can pay off some of my Migraine-induced debt!

Thursdays are the new Migraine Days

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling okay (not great) most days but terrible on Thursdays. I don't usually work on Fridays, so maybe the famous weekend headache is kicking up on Thursday since that's when relaxation time is *supposed* to begin.

In the last hour, I found out that the editing company I now work for wants me to do an editing project in less than 24 hours. I'm working on a project already, have to work this evening at the storytelling job, and have to babysit tomorrow during the day.

I sucked it up and told them no.

A revised due date of Friday was proposed, and I said yes if I could have it done by 3. I know that tomorrow (Thursday) evening is shot since I'm having a book club meeting over here, and I'm not sure how I'll be feeling before or after that meeting. (Who knows if I'll be okay during it? I've been cancelling Thursday activities for the last few weeks...)

My personal frustrations with this situation aren't what I want to focus on here. I guess what I want to highlight is the fact that a frequent migraineur must pull into account SO many factors when making a decision, especially a decision that will affect others' lives or work. I am a dependable person most of the time, but this disease has crippled me in that I often live in fear of disappointing someone by missing a deadline or a meeting.

Oh, blah.

Time to start working while I can!

my near-death experience

Today I had one of those Migraine attacks during which I felt so awful and so sick that I gave up all my hopes and dreams and figured there's no chance in hell I'll ever accomplish even one-tenth of what I want to do. I lay in bed, afraid to move for fear of waking the nausea beast. My duties weighed heavily on my mind: call the leasing agent to talk about the bookstore; talk to the staff at the shelter about tutoring adults; clean the house; make sure everyone knows tonight's girls' night is canceled; send off those letters I keep forgetting about; make sure I have all my meds and clothes packed for this weekend's trip; oh my god I have nothing to wear to the high school reunion Saturday; oh my god why do I care?

As you can guess, it was hard for me to fall asleep and rest.

While babysitting this morning, my head acquired that good ol' stuffy feeling it's been getting most days for the last several months. Driving in the car, E., the three-year-old, was singing to herself in the backseat and her higher-pitched words pierced my ears. "Oh no," I thought, "is this the beginning?" An hour later, I was leaving the kids' house and my vision felt blurry. I tried to ignore the signs, for oftentimes they end up melting away into nothing and I feel fine and migraine-free.

That was not the case today.

I decided I needed a power nap. I woke up feeling less sleepy but more achey. I called the mom of the kids I babysit as I made soup, leaving a message in which I asked if I could call off for the afternoon. I had a Migraine and it didn't seem to be going away. If she needed me to come, I could, but I'd probably want to lie on the couch while the kids played.

I sat down with my bowl of hot soup and dipped my spoon in. The first time I brought it to my mouth, a wave of nausea overtook me and I thought I'd be sick. I stood up to ready myself for that disgusting trip to the bathroom but was too dizzy to stand. In the space of ten minutes, my Migraine had gone from tolerable to utterly debilitating. I cancelled the babysitting date for good and lay down for hours. HOURS. Two Imitrex pills, one Naproxen, and several mini-naps later, I emerged feeling woozy but pain-free.

Now I don't feel so despondent and hopeless, but today's episode did give me pause. Most Migraine attacks are ones that I can medicate quickly and all but cure. This one and the one I had two weeks ago were especially resistant to treatment, and I wondered what I'll do when one of these stubborn ones come on while I'm a bookstore owner. Who will take over last-minute? Can I put a "Back in 5...hours" sign on the door? These are issues I definitely have to work out, but I cannot--CANNOT--let them stop me from opening my business. Right?

get in shape, girl...

My procrastination has gotten OUT OF CONTROL. I acquired this handy little iPod Touch recently, and I thought I'd mainly use it for music (duh) and for keeping myself on schedule--it has all my Mac's contacts and iCal appointments stored on it. Clever, eh?

Let me tell you what's not so clever: THE FIFTY THOUSAND FREE APPLICATIONS YOU CAN DOWNLOAD TO IT. I must have wasted a good hour of my life over the last couple of days playing with silly Tetris-like games, Tetris itself, and a silly (yet endlessly entertaining) bouncy ball game.

The insanity must end.

Love,
The laziest person in America

dishwashing dreams

Let's talk for a moment about how much my miniature (18"-wide) dishwasher has changed my life and, potentially, helped my migraine frequency.

I've been wanting a dishwasher for months--nay, years! I hate, detest, dislike, and loathe doing the dishes by hand. My kitchen is very small and there was no room for an in-cabinet dishwasher--or so I thought until I found the GE Space Saver dishwasher.

The contraption was installed a month ago and has CHANGED MY LIFE. First of all, I don't have to come home with a sense of dread, knowing that yesterday's cereal bowl (complete with rotting milk) is at the bottom of the sink under last night's pizza pan. If I don't feel well, I can still have a snack without feeling stressed out about having to wash up the dishes afterward.

Let's face it: having to deal with chores drives me crazy and makes me feel inordinately stressed out. I've been known to have minor (or major, depending on how you look at it) freak outs centered around the messiness of my house on a monthly basis. (The word "monthly" is a key word here, folks.)

Not bending over the sink to scrub means fewer bothersome neck and back pains--pains which can trigger migraine headaches!b

The dishwasher had an unintended effect as well. Obviously I don't have to worry about doing the dishes or having stinky bowls pile up in the sink. I thought the glory would end there, that not stressing would be the main focus. Little did I suspect that having clean dishes most of the time would encourage me to eat more regularly. I no longer think, "Ooh, I'm kind of peckish...but I'll just have a few cashews so I don't have to wash a plate in order to make a snack." Now I can just bust that plate out, make some delicious snack, and therefore take that extra step that prevents a hunger-induced Migraine episode.

Yay for me!

If you have a few hundred dollars to spare (or landlords that just so happen to be extremely generous parents of yours), get a dishwasher. It shall change your life!

procrastination station

Being away for two weeks certainly broke up the momentum I'd had going on my blog. I hope none of you have given up on me, as I aim to write more frequently now that I'm home again. Two weeks doesn't seem long at all, but it certainly changes things when you're out of town with very limited computer access. It was pretty nice to ignore email for days at a time, that much I can tell you. I realized how much time I spent online and was, to be honest, a bit disgusted by it.

So I'm trying to spend my time online in a more productive way. As much as I'm passively interested in what my friends' status updates on facebook are, I realize this is not a good use of time! I think back to my elementary school report cards. There was a category called "uses time wisely," and I always got an E for excellent there. Little did the teachers know that my habits at home were soon to be horrendous. I'm sure my mother could tell many an unpleasant tale of my telling her the week before the science fair that I needed a backboard and a project. This procrastination problem was an issue for me during high school, college, and even into graduate school. (It still is an issue now, but the deadlines are looser and therefore I pretend it's not a problem.) How is this related to the internet? Oh yeah. I'll go online with the express purpose of checking my work email and end up spending thirty minutes listening to my friends' music on myspace or playing Scrabble online with friends. Does Janet use time wisely? I'd give her an N for "needs improvement."

notes from the insomniac

A couple of days ago I mentioned weird shooting pains I was having on the right side of my head. They were gone the next day and have yet to come up again.

Here's the best thing I could possible interpret from them in light of the fact that I've been Migraine-free since Sunday: THE PAINS WERE MY MIGRAINE EPISODES SAYING GOODBYE! Several especially painful Migraine episodes from the past were doing their own version of waving goodbye, having set up residence my head for years. They finally decided to leave me alone, and as the most painful ones left my world forever, they zapped their way out for a memorable exit.

Welcome to my dream world, folks.

In truth, I felt pretty amazing Monday, health-wise (especially in the evening), a feeling I've not experienced in a while now. Tuesday was even better, and today's pretty good but not as good as the first two days of the week.

Let's talk about what's not so hot: NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP. That's right, kids: that little insomnia problem I've not mentioned much on here reared its ugly head again. (Awhile back, a friend led me to a little song I love about insomnia--I pretend the song's about Migraines. I mention it in a post that's over two years old. Unfortunately the link to the free download isn't working right.) In the last couple of years, I've had some sleep issues, and they've really plagued me during their short stays. When I got off Amitriptyline a few months back, the glorious side effect it causes--sleepiness--was gone. I had trouble staying asleep through the night, and forget about 3 AM bathroom breaks. Those left me tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, nervous I would miss out on too much sleep and be tired or headachey the next day.

This insomnia is markedly different. I can't fall asleep at first but am not worried or frustrated about the problem. In fact, I haven't been sleepy at bedtime in a few days now! Very different from how I was feeling up until last week when I was exhausted almost all. the. time. Usually I feel exhausted when I wake in the middle of the night, it's just that I can't fall asleep. For the past few nights, I've felt energized and wide awake during sleepless times. Last night I couldn't fall asleep 'til 1 (after having climbed into bed at midnight). Woke up at 2:30 to pee and was up until 3:45 or so. Fell asleep for thirty minutes or so and was back up again at 4:15 and stayed awake 'til 6. My alarm went off at 7:20 and I snoozed a bit (yes, in the morning I was able to snooze) and then got up and was pretty chipper and energetic.

This afternoon I took a nap, which was probably a mistake for someone who wants to sleep normally at night. But I cannot read a book without getting sleepy-eyed (even if it takes an hour during insomnia bouts), and around 4 PM I fell asleep despite my not feeling tired.

I'm a real piece of work, I tell you. Let me know if you can identify with this issue--and definitely let me know if you think I'm right about the Migraines waving goodbye and leaving me forever. Ha.

how to survive a vacation tip 1: don't trust the website

A couple of weeks before Memorial Day weekend, I had an epiphany: I needed a vacation. Not an action-packed trip, mind you, but a vacation. No commitments. No one to answer to. No schedule. A vacation.

Considering my health situation and limitations caused by the seemingly incessant Migraine attacks I've been suffering through the last two months or so, my first instinct was to assume that I had to go alone. Having another person there would mean I'd feel guilty if I had to bail on plans to go to the beach for a couple hours or if I sat through dinner with my ice water glass against my forehead. So I concluded I'd go it alone.

Until I thought of a certain friend of mine, one of my best and dearest friends. In the interest of privacy (read: she doesn't know I'm talking about her on my blog as we speak), I shall call her by the nickname each of us has taken to calling the other: Handicapped Twin. HT for short. She is a woman near my age with rheumatoid arthritis--this year in particular she's had a really rough time of it and we've taken turns being laid up at each other's house to watch movies and zone out in our drugged hazes.

A week or so before Memorial Day, I emailed HT, who was finishing up a particularly hectic week at work. I said something to the effect of, "I need a vacation. I'm going to the beach. You're the only person I can think of who'd be the perfect company. Interested?" Within a couple hours I got an all-caps response: "HELL YES!!!" And thus The Plan was born.

I researched lots of hotels off the coast of Georgia and South Carolina and decided we should go to Jekyll Island, a gorgeous and (for now) well-preserved island I've been visiting since I was a wee little thing. Turns out HT and her family went to Jekyll since the 70s or early 80s as well, so she was up for some relaxing and reminiscing. I showed HT the top five hotels I'd found, and we selected one with a sharp website and a claim that the entire property had just been renovated. After confirming there was a hot tub and beach access, we booked it.

A five or six hour drive on Friday afternoon led us to Jekyll. We parked in front of the lobby at what looked like a long, stretched out motor lodge. "Maybe it's nice inside," thought I, thinking simultaneously of how the hotel room price and the facade did not at all match. We got our hotel room key and anxiously wheeled our luggage to the door. First thing I noticed? Cracks and cobwebs and rust by the dingy front window. I reassured myself again: "Maybe it's nice inside."

It wasn't.

The room smelled of stale smoke and mildew. (When we left for dinner, HCTFebreezed the whole joint--after asking me if the scent would bother me. What a great handicapped twin!) The hotel had graciously put in incandescent bulbs for me but, when I went to turn on the lights, the lamps weren't working. The "new" carpet was torn in a couple of spots, there were spider webs in the corner, and the stuccoed ceiling looked almost furry in texture. I dared not look too closely above my head for fear of figuring out what the dark matter in between the white fibers of the ceiling was, exactly. The bathroom light was a fluorescent, so I brought in one of the lamps to plug in and set on the counter. Turns out the only outlet functioned only when the overhead fluorescent was on. Attempting to remove the sticky, dusty, yellowed cover off the fluorescent bulb proved disgustingly impossible. The bathroom fan cover was suffocating with dust, dirt, and "debris," as HT so affectionately called the clumps of mysterious gray matter on the intake screen.

I called the front desk about the nonworking lamps and said, "Also: I was wondering if you had any renovated rooms available..." "What room are you in?" "617." "That one is renovated, ma'am." "Um, what exactly was renovated? Because..." (Then I proceeded to give a brief description of the horror I've already described above.) "Oh, each room got new paint, new carpet, and furniture."

Oh. Well then. Ignore the typical hotel tradition of cleaning the rooms and making sure the electricity works, I guess.

That night, I fell asleep in my double bed not feeling so hot. In the middle of the night, I had to take some medication and at last fell back into a hazy, fitful sleep. In the morning, I felt great--that is, until I lifted myself from the bed. Pressure rushed to my sinuses and the Migraine attack restarted in earnest. I left the room to read outside, but the blaring sun was too much for me to take when in so much head pain. Heading back into the room to lie on the bed to read meant another rush of stale mustiness, which made everything feel worse again.

When HT woke up, she too was feeling worse for the wear and completely congested, as I was. She said, "It's the mold." "What mold?" "The mold. On the ceiling. Look." "Wait--that dark stuff is MOLD? Are you serious!?" Eventually, after we'd decided we'd leave in order to save our poor bodies, I climbed on a chair to scrape at the ceiling with a ballpoint pen. Sure enough, the white ceiling material stayed put as the wettish mold scraped off with little work.

DISGUSTING.

We went to the front desk, ready with my camera full of evidence in case the receptionist said we had to pay for the next two nights, too. Instead, the impersonal but effecient woman quickly printed up a receipt for one night and said we weren't committed to Saturday and Sunday despite the internet agreement we were supposed to adhere to. Cool.

We drove out of there and scoped out more hotels, eventually deciding upon an expensive (but aptly priced) condo farther down the main road. The space was open, clean, personal, and--get this!--not moldy in the least. We felt pretty good for a couple of days and, unsurprisingly, those pesky sinus issues cleared up as soon as we were away from Room from Hell for a few hours.

That brings me to lesson 2 in tips for surviving a vacation: paying for what you need may cost more than the cheapy places, but it's NOT splurging if you're putting your health first.