curses to you, prodrome--bearer of false hopes!

I've been having a rough time of it lately, migraine-wise. This is the tenth day this month that my life has been moderately to severely affected by Migraine attacks. (Since attacks can last up to 3 days--and sometimes more--it's hard to say how many attacks I had this month. It's simpler and more significant, perhaps, to say how many days were affected by Migraine.)

Ick.

Last night I started to feel wonderful. Just wonderful. I had more energy than I remember having for weeks. I dashed around the house, firing off emails and reorganizing jewelry and hanging up all the posters and artwork that's been waiting to be hung for months. La di da! Janet felt awesome. A little voice in the back of my head warned that this could be the euphoria that sometimes accompanies my prodrome. I thought to myself, "Self, you're being overdramatic. There's no way another migraine could be coming along--you JUST got over one this afternoon! This is what it's like to feel normal! Enjoy it."

This morning, Tuesday, I awoke a bit earlier than usual to meet with my friend C. for his birthday--we had breakfast together. While sitting at the restaurant, I felt that old familiar feeling behind my right eye and in the left side of my sinus cavity. Ignore it, ignore it. I had a few tiny cups of coffee (amounting to 20 oz. total, probably). Drank a couple glasses of water. Ate some breakfast. C. asked if I'd be at his birthday get-together that evening, a roller skating party (hearkening back to elementary school party traditions). "Yeah, I don't see why not!" I said in a cheerful voice; in the meantime, I could feel my head throbbing and figured I might be in for yet another day in bed.

It's been seven hours since I had breakfast, and the pain is a little bit worse than before, but not horrible by any means. What I don't like is the way it teases, the way I think I'm feeling great and then suddenly, harshly realize I'm wrong as I move too fast or bend down to pick something up. I don't want to miss another party. I don't want to miss out. I want to feel the way I did last night.

For now I'll continue spending time by myself. I can't take any triptans since I already took 'em to the limit this week, and Naproxen doesn't do much good for me. I'll just wait. And hope for a better day tomorrow.

my near-death experience

Today I had one of those Migraine attacks during which I felt so awful and so sick that I gave up all my hopes and dreams and figured there's no chance in hell I'll ever accomplish even one-tenth of what I want to do. I lay in bed, afraid to move for fear of waking the nausea beast. My duties weighed heavily on my mind: call the leasing agent to talk about the bookstore; talk to the staff at the shelter about tutoring adults; clean the house; make sure everyone knows tonight's girls' night is canceled; send off those letters I keep forgetting about; make sure I have all my meds and clothes packed for this weekend's trip; oh my god I have nothing to wear to the high school reunion Saturday; oh my god why do I care?

As you can guess, it was hard for me to fall asleep and rest.

While babysitting this morning, my head acquired that good ol' stuffy feeling it's been getting most days for the last several months. Driving in the car, E., the three-year-old, was singing to herself in the backseat and her higher-pitched words pierced my ears. "Oh no," I thought, "is this the beginning?" An hour later, I was leaving the kids' house and my vision felt blurry. I tried to ignore the signs, for oftentimes they end up melting away into nothing and I feel fine and migraine-free.

That was not the case today.

I decided I needed a power nap. I woke up feeling less sleepy but more achey. I called the mom of the kids I babysit as I made soup, leaving a message in which I asked if I could call off for the afternoon. I had a Migraine and it didn't seem to be going away. If she needed me to come, I could, but I'd probably want to lie on the couch while the kids played.

I sat down with my bowl of hot soup and dipped my spoon in. The first time I brought it to my mouth, a wave of nausea overtook me and I thought I'd be sick. I stood up to ready myself for that disgusting trip to the bathroom but was too dizzy to stand. In the space of ten minutes, my Migraine had gone from tolerable to utterly debilitating. I cancelled the babysitting date for good and lay down for hours. HOURS. Two Imitrex pills, one Naproxen, and several mini-naps later, I emerged feeling woozy but pain-free.

Now I don't feel so despondent and hopeless, but today's episode did give me pause. Most Migraine attacks are ones that I can medicate quickly and all but cure. This one and the one I had two weeks ago were especially resistant to treatment, and I wondered what I'll do when one of these stubborn ones come on while I'm a bookstore owner. Who will take over last-minute? Can I put a "Back in 5...hours" sign on the door? These are issues I definitely have to work out, but I cannot--CANNOT--let them stop me from opening my business. Right?

a sudden cloudy feeling; relief

When I awoke this morning, I heard rain outside my window. Great. This is the day each week I do my traveling-and-loading-and-carrying-indoors-and-out job, and doing all that in the rain didn't sound like the most amazing situation. Rainy days have been triggering fewer migraines for me of late, and I was happy to notice that this pattern seemed to be continuing: upon waking and hearing the rain, my first thought was, "Oh no! Headache day?" Sitting up and having a sip of water or three with my morning Petadolex rid me of my fear--no headache, not even the dull, stubborn, moderate pain that was affecting my neck and head as I tried to sleep.

The ever-helpful beau traveled with me today to deliver food boxes. (One of my gigs involves delivering food to kids in need every Friday, food that will allow them enough snacks and meals to last them all weekend until the school week begins again.) The migraine didn't attack until we were all done and sitting in a Peruvian restaurant having chips, salsa, black bean soup, and tacos. Unlike the majority of episodes I've had in the last several months, this one escalated rapidly--I was unable to tolerate the noise of the kids two tables away all of a sudden, when just twenty minutes before I hadn't much noticed their babbling and yelping.

"I have to get out of here," I must have said five separate times. The waiter seemed to be moving in slow motion. Would it be better to go outside to the car for my meds or just wait until we'd paid the check? Should I cover my ears to block out those whining kids or should I lean back and rub that space between my thumb and forefinger that seems to dull my head pain?

I placed a dissolving Maxalt tablet on my tongue, expecting quick relief.
Two hours later, I lay in my bed and had a Naprosyn sodium tablet and another Maxalt.
Fifty minutes later, I decided to grab my laptop and see if I'd missed any important emails while working or lying down. I put the laptop on the bed, half-lay next to it, and suddenly felt this refreshing cool, cloudy feeling rise from my chest all the way to the space behind my eyes. Waves of this cool fog came through my body over and over, even more intensely as I bothered to take note of them.

It's been a while since I last was awake and fully conscious during the sudden relief of a headache. My trusty Relpax slowly began to be less and less effective, so I usually ended up falling asleep until a couple hours later, waking to find I was no longer in pain.

This time I was aware. Awake. Grateful.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to sneak in a nap for an hour or so. Goodnight.

worst day in awhile...

I awoke this morning around 8 AM knowing I'd have a migraine soon. I made myself eat some breakfast, and I had a cup of tea (two teabags: one traditional black tea bag, one herbal peppermint tea bag) in the hopes that the smell would calm me and the caffeine would help. No such luck. Breakfast seemed to zap all the energy I had, and I took a nap for a couple of hours in the hopes of waking up refreshed.

In the evening, I got up to shower and begin my day at last. The vague pain and fatigue that had been bothering me all day set in completely--within five minutes of standing up and walking around my house, the pain was sharp behind my left eye and I decided to take some meds. I got a little desperate today and now have way too many things in my system: I took a Naproxen tablet this morning, had three Petadolex as an abortive measure (you can use P. as a preventive and/or an acute treatment), and eventually took my Relpax when I realized the other pills were doing nothing. Still no results. Last but not least I had one Lortab--this is my barely used last resort.

I didn't want to cancel my plans, so I went out with my friend. As we walked downtown, I said, "Wow--the lights on the buildings look so sharp and bright tonight. And beautiful. Don't you think so?" "I don't see that." "Really?" "Yeah. Oh, no! Does this mean you're getting a migraine?" "Oh, I already have one. I've had one all day."

An hour into our dinner all the medication seemed to hit at once. I felt the telltale tingle of the Lortab (followed by the itchiness that is an obnoxious side effect!) as I sipped the coffee I'd ordered, my vain last attempt to rid myself of the pain. It all helped at once and I had a great night despite all the foreign chemicals rushing through my veins. I really don't like being hopped up on meds, but the way I feel now is far superior than drifting painfully through that fog I waded through all day.

Goodnight.

nine day streak!

I went nine days with no serious (i.e., meriting a Relpax) Migraine headache! I had a day last week when I felt a little achey and so drank lots of water and went to bed earlier than usual; I awoke feeling great.

My Migraine that interrupted the streak was a predictable one, the one that almost always accompanies my period. As I mentioned many a post ago, my week-long Migraine attack that used to come along with every single period got nipped in the bud, probably because of a Frova + Naproxen preventive plan I went on for a few months. (It got too expensive to do each month, but my doctor's guess was right: I, like many other women, had the happy circumstance of the drug regimen stopping a many-year-long problem, transforming a 7- or 8-day Migraine into a one - or two-day one.) Anywho. This month's amazing streak was only interrupted by a menstrual Migraine Friday night, and it wasn't a bad one; it took double the Relpax to get rid of it, but the pain was far from unbearable.

Overall, I'm thrilled with the idea of my body soon being free of Zonegran. I was giddy with excitement when picking up my last pills at the pharmacy last week--surely I struck the pharmacists as slightly crazed and goofy. Who cares? I'm going off a mind-altering chemical I've been ingesting for 22 months. Yeehaw!

2 days in a row with no headache? Can it be?

As I may've mentioned in my last post (I'm too lazy to look back...), I have been suffering from the longest stint of Migraine-infused days in my recent history. This streak beats even my worst menstrual Migraines--I've been repeatedly put out of commission for days on end as the temperatures in my town soar and hover right around the 100 degree mark.

Friday night I worked for a couple of hours while suffering from a pretty bad headache. I had taken Relpax and Naproxen around 9:30, but by 11:20, I felt no relief, just the ever-throbbing pain getting worse. Being around people and music and noise and chatter wasn't helping, so as soon as my duties were done at 11:30, I split, taking up my beau's offer for him to close up shop for me. (All that was left to do was count up some money and pay myself and the band I was working the door for.) In any case, I was home in bed by midnight, utterly awake but unable to do anything but lie still.

Saturday, no pain to speak of.
Sunday, same scenario.

I feel as if a great weight has been lifted. I timidly step into this painless territory after nine or ten days of not being able to have a normal life, and I'm even more nervous than usual that I carry a teensy, ticking time bomb, that my pain-free hours are short-lived and that I'd better live it up before I get another Migraine headache.

That's all. Hope everyone is feeling good!!

owwwww....

I've been quite under the weather lately, trying REALLY (I mean really!) hard to resist taking my Relpax + Naproxen combo when headachey since the pain has been so consistent. I can't tell if I'm suffering from the much-researched, much-talked-about medication overuse headache (MOH), spring weather trigger overload, or just a particularly bad Migraine bout. I haven't had daily headache battles in quite awhile, and I feel pretty upset about their sudden return in the last few weeks. It's gotten me pretty down.

If I don't take Relpax right away, then I sit around feeling awful and am horrible company for others and, most notably, myself.

If I do take it, I worry that the next day my pain will be worse and I won't be *allowed* to take any more since I have to limit myself to two triptans a week.

Ay. Woe is me.
Sad hours seem long.

The end.

O! Canada

What with Patriot Act-driven paranoia seeping into my mind just a little bit now and again, it strikes me that this might not be the best idea, but I'll say it anyway: I bought some prescription drugs from the internet. A legit site in Canada that sent me my drugs WAY below cost what they would have been at my local pharmacy. For a girl who has zero insurance (with no insurance or full-time job with benefits on the way), this was a necessity I had to cash in on eventually, and eventually came in February 2007.

The service prompt, the pharmacists thorough and understanding. I'll do it again in a heartbeat and for a fraction of the cost. If you're interested in what company I went with, I'll let you know--I'm not about to advertise for any particular place out here in the open, but I will recommend what worked for me if you're daunted by all the options and are scared of getting a place that seems apt to take your money and run.

a walk to ... forget.

In an effort to control the five trillion things that trigger my Migraine, I've made an attempt to wake up at a consistent hour for the last few weeks. The mornings have been refreshingly, surprisingly lovely. It's spring now, though it feels more like summer, and the morning hours are the perfect time to stroll downtown for coffee or open all the windows and listen to music before the heat sets in.

There was a short period of my life (last year or so) when I awoke with terrible head pain almost every day. Of course there'd be those few moments when I'd open my eyes, stretch, and feel that hope that accompanies a bright morning: "Is it true? Could I actually feel well today?" In a flash of eagerness, I'd swing my legs out of bed and feel a rush of blood and pain in my head before my feet even had time to hit the floor. Morning Migraine. At this stage in my ever-shifting life, the mornings are good for me and the Migraine sets in during the afternoon or evening, mimicking the pattern that has dominated my illness since I started getting severe headaches as an eighth grader 12 or so years ago.

The question is, what should do with these rare hours of sickness-free time? If I start on work (which is unlikely, since I'm the most infamous procrastinator of all), I end up with a stress-triggered headache very quickly. I want to have times where I can enjoy walks, cups of coffee, time with friends, and hours with books before the pain sets in. This is how I chose to indulge myself this morning. Woke up around 8, eventually walked to a bakery to meet a friend for breakfast, b.s.ed with some buddies who happened to stroll by, nearly finished the novel I'm reading this week, made some phone calls, and enjoyed the morning.

"Time to start the work for the day," I thought to myself as I pressed play on my little iPod and started to walk the mile back to my house. As I walked up the slight incline of my street, I could feel pressure behind my left eye and felt a dull pain rear up in my sinuses. "Ignoreitignoreitignoreit' was a chant going off in my head, so subtle and well-rehearsed that I barely would have noticed it if the pain didn't suddenly increase as I got closer to home, closer to work and closer to the hour when the daily headache usually sets in.

But, as I explained in previous entries, I don't feel free to take Relpax and Naproxen the moment a headache kicks in, as indicated by the label. When you have CDH (or even Migraines that are more frequent than a couple times a month), you're warned against abusing the drug for fear of dependence, rebound headache, and the eventual tolerance you'll build against the drug's effectiveness. The pain and discomfort, as usual, wax and wane depending on my activity level and approximately 4,231 other factors. Right now I am sitting with my back against the headboard, typing as I sit/lie in bed and hear birds chirp excitedly outside. The left side of my neck has a rope of pain that throbs at its own unpredictable schedule.

For now, I feel okay...

the migration of pain

In the last few weeks, I've felt better than usual on my good days but worse than usual on my bad days. That is to say, the pains are more painful and the comfortable days aren't marked by as much pain.

Yesterday I had a particularly stressful day full of assignments and work. The stress was only compounded by the fact that I seem to have misplaced my motivation and gusto for anything other than reading books and writing on my own. I blame part of my distractability on my withdrawal from Effexor XR, which brings up strange little side effects. The rest? My fault. My laziness.

In any case, I met some friends out but didn't last long. I started to get a slight "ponytail headache," the kind where your hair follicles actually start to ache from the pain of holding all your hair up in a small rubber band. Only thing was, I had no rubber band in. At least it wasn't a Migraine, right? 'Cause my Migraines almost always start behind my left eye with dash of right eyeball attention. My town no longer allows smoking indoors, but my hypersensitive nostrils still caught plenty of sharp whiffs of the cigarettes people were puffing on directly outside the open door. The pain behind my nose and cheeks intensified; the throbbing in the very center of my head staked its claim on my skull and encouraged me to call it a night.

Because I am fearful of taking Relpax + naprosyn every time I feel a headache coming on (more coming on that fear in a later entry), I avoided the drugs by going to bed. Woke up about 3 hours earlier than usual with throbbing pain that wouldn't leave me alone. Gave in and took the meds and am already worried about tomorrow's rebound headache that will most likely manifest itself as soon as my intensive 10-hour work day begins.

In the meantime, I tilt the computer screen back so it barely sends its glow to me, and I squint my eyes in pain as I scroll through the menus on my cell phone, trying to call the pharmacy for even more prescription refills my insurance no longer covers...

Pity party is now declared...over!

that's not doing the trick, either....

sleep nor medications nor the warm eye patch nor relaxing nor fresh air nor food nor water nor tea nor trying to get comfort from others.

nothing's doing the trick, and i'm sleepy and migrainey and tired and incurable.

love,
sad migrainegirl