my therapeutic yoga class

Okay, jury's in: I love my therapeutic yoga class. I was really overwhelmed after my first session--everyone in the class is amazing in his or her own way, and everyone has at least one (at least!) major health obstacle she's trying to cope with. All those fears about not being flexible enough, about not being able to keep up, about not doing things "correctly," have flown out the window. Slowly but surely I'm taking to heart my experienced yoga teacher's words: if your movements are painful, you're not doing yoga. Everyone's body is completely different from the next, so one person's ability to move in a certain way should not be judged against the next person's. In doing some arm exercises, I pushed myself to keep my arms high despite their beginning to get tingly and painful. After the class, I mentioned the discomfort to my teacher, who told me to lower my arms significantly--if that didn't work, we'd figure out another modification that would perhaps allow me to do this exercise.

Each class is two hours long but is not rigorous or stressful in the least. We move slowly and mindfully, paying attention to our breathing and always taking note of how our movements make our bodies feel. (I speak as if I'm a self-proclaimed guru at this point--this is far from the case, but speaking confidently about the practice sure can't hurt!) It's hard for me to slow my mind down, to not pay attention to the racing thoughts that flit across my brain like so many little birds.

There are two other severe chronic migraineurs in the class, and I completely misjudged how wonderful it'd be to talk with them in person. I've gained so much through web-based relationships on this blog (and in using other health websites), but to see someone's face as she describes her life with migraine is such a different experience. One woman's headaches were daily and severe. She, like me, made TONS of lifestyle changes all at once. She continually reassures me and encourages me, telling me how happy she feels that I have already begun to find hopefulness where before there was despair. This is a person who has been coming to this particular therapeutic yoga class for seven years, a chronic daily migraineur. Guess when her last migraine attack was? Over six years ago. Can you imagine that? I'm beginning to allow myself to imagine that. I'm not planning on it, mind you, but I am allowing myself to believe at last that this is possible, that after all this searching and medication and vitamins and doctor's visits there could be something that has a drastically wonderful effect on my life.

It's not easy to change everything at once. This evening my friend told me how she was about to order a greasy, delightfully cheesy Papa John's pizza. As soon as I was alone again, I thought about that pizza. Thought about dipping it in those notoriously fatty cups of garlic sauce and how wonderful it tastes.

And then I got home and heated up rice, broccoli, and onions for dinner. I feel satiated and healthy. No cheese-induced tummyache for me. But man--I do love pizza.

People, I want you to allow yourselves to be hopeful. I want you to imagine that it will be possible to live your lives without fear of a migraine coming on at the slightest provocation. For too long I have treated myself too gingerly--much of that was necessary and safe, I know, but it kept me from living my life well. KEEPS me from living my life well. (There goes Guru Jan again, acting as if she's got it all figure out, when really I'm play-acting here and there, only partly able to fully believe how healthy I am becoming.) It's so hard for me to imagine that any of these changes I've made could NOT help most of you. This from the girl who gets really frustrated when people, out of the goodness of their hearts, push so-called miracle drugs onto her--if Topamax works for so many, it MUST work for you, Janet! You're probably just not taking it right!

I fear becoming the person who pushes her ways onto you. At the same time, I can't resist trying to engage some of you in this discussion, to encourage some of you to incorporate healthier habits in an attempt to curb the number and severity of your attacks. Please let me know if I'm annoying you. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more. Please let me know if I should abandon this blog all together before driving you all crazy!! :)

wreck wreck wreck

Yesterday I was in a little thing I like to call a car wreck. Got hit on the driver's side and front of my car when a distracted dude ran a red light. Yeow!

My car's condition is in limbo: will it be declared totaled, or will a shop repair it and try (but fail) to restore it to its old glory? It's sitting all lonely and sad in a local tow yard. Poor baby. The whole front section of the car got knocked off--when you look at the car from the front, it looks like a burgundy colored face whose jaw has dropped clean to the ground. Surprised at something.

Various fluids of varying colors poured from the car and down the asphalt. Not sure what exploded, but it sure did leak.

To my happiness, no one was majorly injured. J., the beau, was in the passenger seat and ended up with lots of muscle strain/sprain and a headache. I hit my head on something (don't know what) and had a REGULAR HEADACHE plus some muscle straining and pain. Now I am achey but expect the feeling to go away after a few days. I hope this doesn't spur further health issues.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I feel oddly out of it. I'm used to taking Lortab as a Migraine attack rescue med now and again, but taking it for muscle aches along with this muscle relaxer makes for a very out-of-it Janet. I may well be writing nonsense here. So be it.

I can't tell you the last time I had a headache that wasn't a migraine. It was such an unfamiliar feeling: tightness all around my head, a dull ache that didn't throb or pierce. It's gone now, thank goodness, but it made me think about those who have tension headaches and NOT migraine. Recently a friend told me that she used to be one of those people who thought migraineurs were big sissies, that migraine headaches were actually just pretty bad regular headaches. Migraineurs were whiners. Wimpy whiners. But then she got her first migraine attack and finally realized she'd been wrong all that time--the pain of migraine is nothing compared to your average headache.

What if I could always have headaches like these instead of migraines? thought I. It seemed almost a luxury to have head pain that didn't distract me from life, pain that was irrefutably present but not debilitating. I'm jealous of the millions of people who don't get migraine. I'm so very jealous.

We've now reached the end of my rambling. Tomorrow I get to resume what is already another kind of headache: endless calls to insurance companies and the hospital. Wish me luck!

"narm!" (arm numb...narm!)

For those of you who are Six Feet Under fans, there's a slim chance you know what I'm quoting in today's post title. If you're confused, worry not: I shall not enlighten you. I will tell you to watch Six Feet Under, however. I've watched the entire series twice over. I love it.

But back to business: my left arm has been a state of discomfort for a few days now, and my hand has hurt off and on. I suspect a pinched nerve. Yeow! You know when you awaken after sleeping on your side and your arm feels out of whack and slightly numb in spots, slightly painful in others? That's how my arm has been feeling for DAYS. My sneaking suspicion is that my usually funky back has done something shady to the nerves that run down my arm. I'm going to give it a little more time before saying uncle and spending the dough on a doctor. It's crazy how large a portion of my ever-dwindling money pile goes to health costs.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be more apt to see a doctor if I had insurance. My immediate response is "YES," as I now feel I would not take health coverage for granted as I did for the first 26 years of my life. I can't imagine being able to see a doctor and not having to pay an arm and a leg--the thought has become hard to wrap my mind around. When I did have insurance, I didn't like going to the doctor, though. I postponed visits and didn't have a tendency to make appointments to investigate such things as numb arms. Maybe now that I've grown older and wiser I'd change my habits. Maybe the subject is null and void since I don't have insurance and won't have it for awhile.

Poop da loop. Off to a productive day!