I think more than I write.

I think about writing many times a day. That is to say, many times a day I find myself thinking about writing. During my evening walks, I look around my neighborhood and think about all the deep, meaningful things I could say. Of all the wry observations I could make. Of all the silly commentaries I could provide to entertain myself.

But when I get back home again, I don't write. I've neglected my blogs, my letters, and my journals. I've neglected my email. I just haven't felt like writing when actually presented with the chance.

The angel on my shoulder encourages me and fills my head with stuff and nonsense: Janet, you're not writing because you don't yet know how to express all the deep, impressive, and wonderfully moving thoughts you're having. You have a Master's degree with a focus on creativity theory: you know that you must incubate before you can produce an original idea, an original creation! You're just incubating!

The cynical, self-deprecating part of me has different thoughts all together: You're a scaredy cat. From the moment you learned to put pencil to paper, you've thought--at least glancingly--that you'd become an author. You are a good writer but will never have the guts or the willpower to be a great one, the one you know you can be. So you just rest on your laurels, write nothing, and tell yourself that you'd be great...if you were in the mood to try.

Of course the truth probably runs somewhere between those two extremes. I definitely know that elements of each argument hit a little too close to home--this suggests to me that both my kind and evil sides know a bit of what's going on inside my mind regaring my self-motivation (or lack thereof).

Writing this blog has helped me in ways I could never really describe. I have a sense of community with readers and with other folks whose blogs I read. There's a whole community of us out there, a community I tapped into at just the right time, right when I was feeling most isolated about my disease. Telling my friends and family was a big step--an important one that has improved relationships and opened lines of communication. But it's also hard to post about pain and suffering when you know your mom or sister or aunt or boyfriend could be reading. Strangers out there may sympathize with our migrainous plight and wish us well, but family and friends can be hurt reading about how much of a struggle it is to live with this illness day to day.

view from my apartment in Bs. As.

Recently I've been both bummed and relieved. Strange combination, I know. The month I was in Buenos Aires was wonderful and lovely and relaxing, but my migraine frequency skyrocketed. A disappointment, to say the least, especially after I'd been doing remarkably well post-December's doctor appointment. In Buenos Aires, I had to break my healthy diet rules nearly every day, as dairy and white, enriched flour and other no-nos were sometimes impossible to avoid if I wanted to have any sustenance at all. I lived with 1-2 roommates (friends) at a time in a comfy but small apartment. This led me to a truth I'd been on the brink of already: having a boyfriend as an occasional roommate is far different from having a friend-roommate. At least if the boyfriend is J. and the girlfriend is me. I know that my friends don't need to be entertained; I know that roommates/guests don't necessarily need my help and guidance and company. But, man! It was definitely more of an effort sharing a space with them than it is sharing one with J. (We have yet to do an official move-in, but it may happen by the end of this year. Maybe. We'll see.)

But back to the matter at hand. Since I've been back from Buenos Aires, I've not had one migraine. Not a one! I've relished the mere thought of being able to eat my meals in my own house. I've eated two meals out in two weeks. (Well, three meals if you count that very necessary 3 AM snack at Huddle house with Christa last weekend.) This is not like me. I tend to eat out a few days a week. But now the thoughts of rice and stir-fried vegetables trump any desire for pizza, heretofore desirable cream sauces and pasta, etc. I feel remarkably better when I eat well, and the truth of that was emphasized by the month in Argentina when I couldn't stick to my diet rules. Now I'm feeling no migraine pain and have no tummy issues. Whew.

However, something else is afoot. I'm exhausted, achey, tired, and more all the time. The list goes on and on. I've a sneaking suspicion something else is going on with my body. Next week I see the doctor again and will figure some more stuff out. Maybe results from yesterday's blood work will yield some answers.

All in all, things are going well and I'm confident they'll keep getting better. Hope you're feeling similarly about your own lives.

alive and well!

I don't know what my deal has been lately--I just haven't felt like posting on either of my blogs very often. Could it have something to do with the whirlwind past couple of weeks I had? February 21 was my 29th birthday, February 22 I flew out of Atlanta to Buenos Aires, and February 23 until now I've been in "the Paris of South America" trying to balance personal needs and the strong desire to spend every waking moment on these lovely avenues. It's still summer here, so spending too much time outside during the day in the sun is not a healthy option, as overexertion, excess heat, and excess sun are all migraine triggers for me. I've had one wine glass too many during a few dinners, but I've had no next-day migraine, just some grogginess. The last couple of nights I've had lots of water (no alcohol) and still woke up today a big groggy. That might be another subject for another time: I'm wondering why, for the last several weeks, I wake up feeling really heavy-headed and groggy--often waking up and walking around the house/sitting up tends to help. Congestion?

I hope you East Coasters are coping with the snow! Yesterday I wished I was with you; now that Monday has rolled around and the Georgia snow has become cased in dangerous ice, I'm grateful to be here where it's 80 degrees and sunny.

I've been doing yoga in the pool of our building's courtyard!

I've NOT been sticking to my diet very well: turns out nearly every meal option has enriched flour and/or cheese/cream on it. Well-cooked (i.e., not boiled to death) veggies and fresh fruits are harder to come by than I'd thought.

Hope to check in with you soon. Thanks as always for being there to be my sounding board, and sorry I've been missing the boat on some migraine action events lately.

my therapeutic yoga class

Okay, jury's in: I love my therapeutic yoga class. I was really overwhelmed after my first session--everyone in the class is amazing in his or her own way, and everyone has at least one (at least!) major health obstacle she's trying to cope with. All those fears about not being flexible enough, about not being able to keep up, about not doing things "correctly," have flown out the window. Slowly but surely I'm taking to heart my experienced yoga teacher's words: if your movements are painful, you're not doing yoga. Everyone's body is completely different from the next, so one person's ability to move in a certain way should not be judged against the next person's. In doing some arm exercises, I pushed myself to keep my arms high despite their beginning to get tingly and painful. After the class, I mentioned the discomfort to my teacher, who told me to lower my arms significantly--if that didn't work, we'd figure out another modification that would perhaps allow me to do this exercise.

Each class is two hours long but is not rigorous or stressful in the least. We move slowly and mindfully, paying attention to our breathing and always taking note of how our movements make our bodies feel. (I speak as if I'm a self-proclaimed guru at this point--this is far from the case, but speaking confidently about the practice sure can't hurt!) It's hard for me to slow my mind down, to not pay attention to the racing thoughts that flit across my brain like so many little birds.

There are two other severe chronic migraineurs in the class, and I completely misjudged how wonderful it'd be to talk with them in person. I've gained so much through web-based relationships on this blog (and in using other health websites), but to see someone's face as she describes her life with migraine is such a different experience. One woman's headaches were daily and severe. She, like me, made TONS of lifestyle changes all at once. She continually reassures me and encourages me, telling me how happy she feels that I have already begun to find hopefulness where before there was despair. This is a person who has been coming to this particular therapeutic yoga class for seven years, a chronic daily migraineur. Guess when her last migraine attack was? Over six years ago. Can you imagine that? I'm beginning to allow myself to imagine that. I'm not planning on it, mind you, but I am allowing myself to believe at last that this is possible, that after all this searching and medication and vitamins and doctor's visits there could be something that has a drastically wonderful effect on my life.

It's not easy to change everything at once. This evening my friend told me how she was about to order a greasy, delightfully cheesy Papa John's pizza. As soon as I was alone again, I thought about that pizza. Thought about dipping it in those notoriously fatty cups of garlic sauce and how wonderful it tastes.

And then I got home and heated up rice, broccoli, and onions for dinner. I feel satiated and healthy. No cheese-induced tummyache for me. But man--I do love pizza.

People, I want you to allow yourselves to be hopeful. I want you to imagine that it will be possible to live your lives without fear of a migraine coming on at the slightest provocation. For too long I have treated myself too gingerly--much of that was necessary and safe, I know, but it kept me from living my life well. KEEPS me from living my life well. (There goes Guru Jan again, acting as if she's got it all figure out, when really I'm play-acting here and there, only partly able to fully believe how healthy I am becoming.) It's so hard for me to imagine that any of these changes I've made could NOT help most of you. This from the girl who gets really frustrated when people, out of the goodness of their hearts, push so-called miracle drugs onto her--if Topamax works for so many, it MUST work for you, Janet! You're probably just not taking it right!

I fear becoming the person who pushes her ways onto you. At the same time, I can't resist trying to engage some of you in this discussion, to encourage some of you to incorporate healthier habits in an attempt to curb the number and severity of your attacks. Please let me know if I'm annoying you. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more. Please let me know if I should abandon this blog all together before driving you all crazy!! :)

the streak is over

After 22(ish) days of no migraine, I had to take a Maxalt today. In recent weeks I've felt very heavy-headed and icky upon waking; when I move about the house and get ready for the day, the feeling dissipates and I start to feel a-okay. This morning my head felt heavier than it has in a while, and something just didn't feel right. I made coffee and, after messing around the house for awhile, walked to meet some friends for lunch. To my surprise, my stomach was really upset within minutes of eating the meal. I hadn't had anything on my forbidden list, so I was a bit confused.

After my post-lunch long walk, I returned home and felt that cool, airy pain beginning on the left side of my forehead. There's a particular type of discomfort that accompanies my initial PMS symptoms, and this was it. "No way!" thought I, "I just had my period!" One look at a calendar showed me that my menstrual-related migraine was right on time. D'oh!

I took a Naproxen tablet in the hopes it could stave off the real migraine to come, but this afternoon I could feel the symptoms worsening and took my Maxalt. Now I feel airy and tired and a bit out of it--good ol' Maxalt + PMS will do that every time.

I'm proud of my streak and not surprised that my period has helped trigger this migraine episode. I'll deal. When my period's over, maybe I can start a new tally and get higher than 22! And maybe not. Either way, I'm cool. I thought I'd be really disappointed and discouraged when the streak ended, but I'm not. I'm pretty confident I'll have another pain-free stretch coming up soon.

a quick stumble off the wagon

Today I grabbed a roast beef sandwich from a local bar/restaurant and went to another bar to hang out with Handicapped Twin, who just started bartending. I scarfed down the delicious sandwich and enjoyed every bite.

Hours later, as I was getting up to leave, I had an epiphany. "Oh my god!" HT: "What?" Jan: "I just realized I ate white flour and cheese for lunch--and I didn't even think twice about it. It didn't even occur to me that I was not following my diet!"

Oops.

Perhaps it's coincidence, but this afternoon my tummy has been jumpy for the first time in many days.

blurry vision day + screen smarts

From the moment I woke up today, my head felt funny. Stuffy and tight, dizzying and borderline-achy. For some moments, it felt as if my sinuses were slowly and painfully trying to press at my skin and burst out. (Gross, I know--but the truth hurts, kids.)

I've mentioned before how going into brightly lit megastores or driving down a rainy road can make my vision go a bit wonky. Today I was having a less-than-stellar vision day--thank goodness for glasses! Things looked hazy, and squinting to look at faraway objects merely irritated my head, face, and sinuses even more. Street signs were blurry and I had to be much closer to them than usual in order to read their words. (Again I express gratitude for my glasses, especially the rose-tinted ones that are especially pleasant on overcast days.)

After I write this blog entry, I'm going to close the computer and not open it again! You hear me, young lady? (Yes ma'am.) I've been spending way too much time online lately, and it's not been for any real reason. Checking my Facebook page every hour is quite unnecessary, as is feverishly looking at my four (4!) Gmail accounts and my bank account information. I feel almost compulsive in my internet behavior this week, telling myself I'll shut the laptop after I check all the accounts and my Facebook account one last time before finishing up with computer time.

Because the computer oozes an eerie glow that's not so pleasant to the eyes, I should be further motivated to shut the darned thing off more often than I do. On a day like today, when I'm feeling a bit under the weather (aforementioned vision blurriness and head stuffiness combined with some back pain), it's easier yet more harmful to keep the laptop in my lap instead of getting up and being a little more active. Bleh.

Today I also had some fast food, which I've not done much in 2009. For weeks I've been eating well--lots of veggies and good-for-you fresh foods. To suddenly indulge in salty French fries and chicken is, in three words, numbing, gross, and heavy.

So Lazy Monster bids you adieu. Time to shut the computer and drink a tall glass of water. Time to listen to music and tidy the house. Time to finish that letter I started last night. Time to stop staring at screens. Time to stay at home and relax despite the fact that some friends have shows (music shows, that is) tonight. Time to not make myself feel guilty for missing friends' shows. Time to say goodnight.

Goodnight

maintain a healthy weight!

Of course there are myriad benefits to staying in good shape. Now here's a press release about the link between unhealthy weight and migraine! (And more encouragement for me to gain a bit more weight and keep exercising!)

Check out the article here.

could it really be that simple?

Were it not for overindulging on New Year's Eve (um, oops), I would probably still be having a migraine-free 2009. On the evening of the 31st, it'd been nine days since my last attack. As of 8 AM on the 1st, however, I was back at square one. That time I knew precisely who was the culprit: me and my re-found affection for white wine. Yes, it's true--I'm drinking that delicious nectar again, but with at LEAST 16 oz. of water with every glass of wine. Worked out well for me 'til NYE when I made the mistake of having a nightcap. Turns out wine is a bit more alcoholic than what I'm used to drinking.

But that's somewhat besides the point.

For the first time, I really, truly believe that I can get this disease under control. I'm following my doctor's orders, yes, but I'm not doing too much that's out of the ordinary. In general, I'm doing things I've always known to be good for me, things that I've let slip out of my life for one reason or another. As I've mentioned here before, the regular exercise has already proven to be quite the boon. It was nice to be validated by my new doctor, told that even long walks would give me a boost in serotonin. I don't need to swim at sprint-speed for an hour or even turn my walk into a run--I can just walk briskly five times a week and reap the benefits of exercise. It took some effort to let go of the notion that an "in shape" person should be able to jog or swim laps for much longer than I can without getting winded. Truth is, I'm not in the best shape. Another truth is that my body doesn't like it too much when I overexert myself (migraine trigger alert!), so why not take it easy and work my way up to some gentle exercise that fits the bill and makes me feel better?

A few days ago, I walked by the Habitat for Humanity parking lot on a walk. "Girl, you need to be runnin'!" a worker loading boxes called out to me. I do believe that a few months (or even years) ago I would have felt a bit bad after hearing this, simply knowing that I SHOULD be able to run and jump and do the activities a healthier person can. But this day was different. "Nah, I'm more of a walker," I called back, to which the man responded with a smile: "All right, all right!" I could have cited the arthritis in my knees, my bouts with sciatica, and my tendency to develop a migraine when I overexert myself. But I didn't. I just admitted that I'm more of a walker and kept on going. And you know what? I wasn't hard on myself afterward. I didn't spend too much time harping on the differences between my super-in-shape self of the early 90s (when I was a pre-teen, mind you!) and the 28-year-old I am today. I just kept going, and I felt great. There is a joy in being able to move and exercise without pain; you don't need to overdo it in order to feel accomplished. If there's one thing I've learned in these 2+ months of exercising healthily, it's that it's important to do what's right for you and not judge yourself by the standards set forth by fitness experts and marathon runners. Just do what you can. I do, and I hope to continue doing this.

Most of the other recommendations from the doctor were pretty simple, too. Eat well, treat my body well, and the like. J., my beau, pointed out the fact that many of the doctor's tips were tips he'd recommended for us long ago. Eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. Try to cut out dairy. J. hadn't called the "weed out white and enriched flour" bit, but that wasn't surprising. White and enriched flour is rougher on your system if you're sensitive like me and have IBS.

I keep reflecting on my wonderful visit and wishing more people could meet with this same doctor and have success. Were I you, I'd be skeptical. All the same, I'm putting it out there: I'm convinced that this person could help many of the people reading this. No, I'm not going to post his name and information (though if you are convinced by my admiration you can email me for details). He diagnosed me with several diseases/disorders I'd long since guessed I'd had, but didn't diagnose in a way I perceived as threatening or upsetting. He just verified my suspicions: I have mild depression, chronic fatigue (but not necessarily chronic fatigue syndrome, mind you), arthritis, allodynia (which I suspected I had on my scalp but had no idea was related to the bruised feeling I often have on my arms, legs, and torso!), Migraine disease (duh), irritable bowl syndrome (IBS), hypersensitivity, and mucositis (inflammation of the mucus membranes--mine is chronic but should be helped with my new regimen). I felt vindicated and relieved--all of these seemingly disparate symptoms I've been suffering from for a long time were all named, and all of them were related to my naturally low serotonin levels. The doctor is convinced that regulating my serotonin levels will allow me to live a happier, more productive, and less painful life. He pointed out how much better I'd been feeling since I started exercising and said that the exercise, combined with a diet that's easier on my system and some other exercise and relaxation techniques, I could cut out the majority of my migraines.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Every day I make a smoothie chock full of good things for me--blueberries, pomegranate juice, tea, oatmeal soaked in rice milk, flaxseed, and some supplements. Each morning and night I take supplements/vitamins, a few of which I've been taking for a couple of years now. Five days a week I'm to engage in "gentle exercise" for 30-60 minutes, depending on how long it takes for me to reach the peak when I have the endorphin rush. I've been exercising 45-70 minutes when I go out and walk. Tomorrow I'll call and sign myself up for therapeutic yoga class (which I convinced Handicapped Twin to go to, too!); soon I'll buy a book on mindful meditation (the main form of meditation that has lots of good research behind it, hence the hospital being able to endorse it). The more I do for myself, the better and more hopeful I feel. I've already begun returning more to what I consider my "real" self--making calls to distant loved ones with more frequency, writing letters again (something I was once famous for but sort of dropped in recent times), and persuing creative activity. Hell, I even enrolled in the Sketchbook Project and am trying my hand at drawing, something I never thought I'd do.

I'm happy. I really hope you are, too. I hate the fact that I might sound as if I'm proselytizing, but it's hard to hold back when you've been hopeless for so long and suddenly see concrete evidence that your life is changing for the better. I dare any of you who've made it through this entire blog entry to start exercising a few days a week to the best of your ability and see if you don't feel better. I dare you!

Happy 2009. Love love love.

the best is yet to come!

I've been doing better and better at staying positive--it helps that my migraine frequency and severity have both plummeted in the last month and a half, I know.

Goals for 2009:

• Eat well (and according to doctor's instructions) -- this means limiting dairy (wah) and cutting out as much refined & white flour as possible. This means eating more fresh fruit and veggies. No regular intake of sugary sweetness.
  
• Exercise frequently. No need to pressure myself to become a runner or hard-core cardioaddict. Just regular, gentle exercise. Slow laps in the pool, long walks around the neighborhood, yoga class. Take it easy while staying in shape and keeping those delicious endorphins and serotonin levels coursing through my body.
• Accept my life as it is and figure out which goals of mine are realistic. Don't take on too much. Meditate. Learn to calm myself down and lower stress. Don't overcommit. Do make time for friends and family when possible and healthy. Don't give myself guilt trips for not accomplishing every single thing I have ever considered.
  
• Sleep as regularly as possible. Try to cut out naps (wah). Wake up around the same time each day.
• Don't get intimidated by the above goals! Any little bit I can do will help; the more I do, the better off I am.
  

I wish you all good health and happiness in 2009. I haven't been blogging as much because I haven't wanted to think too much about migraine while feeling well. No, I don't think I'll jinx myself or anything; it's just that, for the moment, I don't need this outlet as much. Oh, okay--and I think I'll jinx my current good fortune just a bit.

That being said, goodbye for now! Talk to you next year.