one of those days

Last night I said to J., "I feel really hopeful." "Good--you should!" "I always feel hopeful and excited about things, but today feels special. Something really good is going to happen. And I really think I stand a chance with this grant giveaway." "Of course you do!"

Cue 12:01 AM, when I tried and failed to submit my Pepsi project. A few hours later, adrenaline still rushing through body after having tried to troubleshoot the technological issues that held me back from submitting my little grant application, I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

And then today was a doozie. It's rare that I'm discouraged or down in the dumps, but man--today did a number on me, and nothing even happened! (Why did I refuse to note the signs of a migraine coming on?) While running errands, I noticed that the daylight made me squint, and my vision was blurry. I took down my photo show from the Flicker Bar, and ended up getting super-teary-eyed. Not sure why, as I know I sold well (I sold enough photos to reach my goal of having enough dough to launch the Avid Bookshop website!) and had a really successful art opening on February 1st. Hell, even if I'd sold nothing, I still would've felt proud of myself for having my first-ever photo show, for doing something public with a hobby I think I'm pretty good at.

So it wasn't regret that made me teary-eyed, and it wasn't the usual reason that I cry at the drop of a hat (um, PMS, anyone?): I think it was that I was getting a migraine. Yesterday evening, I was feeling particularly euphoric, more encouraged and productive and active than I've been in weeks! But then the prodrome really set in (my blurred vision, the bright sun, the weepiness, incessant yawning) without my realizing (or wanting to acknowledge) what it was.

Now, 22 hours after my hopeful, euphoric outburst, I'm feeling okay. A little down in the dumps, a little discouraged, and a little distracted by the discomfort that's not quite settled in behind my left eye. Tomorrow I'll begin anew, having a couple of bookstore meetings and dealing with some bureaucratic bill pay stuff that will surely find me sitting on hold, book in hand for a little while.

Hope you're well.

feeling like myself again

The other day I was in an excellent mood, flitting about the house getting things done, rearranging furniture, etc. As I had faintly suspected, this sense of euphoria and increased energy was a signal that the prodrome had set in. For a couple of days (and evenings) after that awesome night, I was pretty laid up and out of commission with Migraine.

Late in the evening on Tuesday--say, around eleven or so--I started to feel okay. I'd already missed a close friend's birthday get-together so felt a bit bummed out. Mainly I was relieved, though--the pain was lifting and I had a little bout of energy. I cleaned & rearranged my jewelry. I wrote a letter. I read a chunk of my book.

Wednesday I babysat for a few hours and, despite not having slept well the night before, I was happy and energetic with the kids. We played outside and I didn't once feel the need to lie down and rest. (A few weeks back, the six-year-old walked up to me shortly after I arrived at his house to sit. "Are you sleepy?" he asked me. "Um...not right now, no. Why did you ask that?" "Cause you're always sleepy," he replied in a sad voice. Wow. It's not as if I didn't know I felt run-down pretty often--it's that I'd thought that, in general, the kids saw me as an energetic, healthy person, not an "always tired" type. Hmm.)

Now it's Saturday at one in the morning, and my good mood, good spirits, and good health are all still going strong. I survived a big Thanksgiving Day (and night!) with some good friends and didn't get a migraine (!). Hours ago, the sunny and warm day turned into a chilly, rainy one, and my head didn't freak out as it usually would. Yesterday evening I had a few drinks and didn't wake up feeling extra tired or migrainey.


I've been engaging in activities I used to love but that have since fallen by the wayside due to my blah-ish indifference or my schedule--when so much of my time is taken up by Migraine, my non-sick times aren't usually spent on my goofy old habits. Here's a list of a few things I used to love doing but had kind of stopped until very recently (VERY recently):

1. played my piano keyboard, practicing notes and playing songs badly (I don't exactly have a formal piano education and can't play with two hands any better than a preschooler might--but it's fun!)
2. created many a paper craft, including a hand turkey, cut-out scissor crafts, and paper dolls
3. borrowed J.'s guitar and whipped out my cousin Bev's thirty-plus-year-old Mel Bay guitar instructional books
4. write letters to friends
5. hung lots of art & photos on the walls, art that had been sitting around for MONTHS waiting to be displayed
6. continued compiling my favorite photographs for a little photography portfolio
7. cleaned my silver jewelry (and some of the fake stuff, too, which appeared shiny and new again for about ten minutes before it re-tarnished--what gives?)
8. took a few long walks
9. snapped some photos of my neighborhood
10. made a cake (from the box--thank you, Duncan Hines)
11. repaired a beaded necklace my friend's cat chewed on and messed up approximately THREE YEARS AGO (it's been sitting around in plastic wrap since that fateful day I found it all torn up)
12. burned a CD of Costa Rica photos for my friend Rosa, a CD she requested I make in January 2008
13. sent a postcard to my cousin Laura--a postcard I bought and wrote in July 2007

+ more!!

Look at me, look at me! Now's the time when I indulge in a little fantasy about how this is how life will be from here on out. My migraines are gone for good, you see, and I'll NEVER BE SICK AGAIN. Awesome, huh? ;)

my near-death experience

Today I had one of those Migraine attacks during which I felt so awful and so sick that I gave up all my hopes and dreams and figured there's no chance in hell I'll ever accomplish even one-tenth of what I want to do. I lay in bed, afraid to move for fear of waking the nausea beast. My duties weighed heavily on my mind: call the leasing agent to talk about the bookstore; talk to the staff at the shelter about tutoring adults; clean the house; make sure everyone knows tonight's girls' night is canceled; send off those letters I keep forgetting about; make sure I have all my meds and clothes packed for this weekend's trip; oh my god I have nothing to wear to the high school reunion Saturday; oh my god why do I care?

As you can guess, it was hard for me to fall asleep and rest.

While babysitting this morning, my head acquired that good ol' stuffy feeling it's been getting most days for the last several months. Driving in the car, E., the three-year-old, was singing to herself in the backseat and her higher-pitched words pierced my ears. "Oh no," I thought, "is this the beginning?" An hour later, I was leaving the kids' house and my vision felt blurry. I tried to ignore the signs, for oftentimes they end up melting away into nothing and I feel fine and migraine-free.

That was not the case today.

I decided I needed a power nap. I woke up feeling less sleepy but more achey. I called the mom of the kids I babysit as I made soup, leaving a message in which I asked if I could call off for the afternoon. I had a Migraine and it didn't seem to be going away. If she needed me to come, I could, but I'd probably want to lie on the couch while the kids played.

I sat down with my bowl of hot soup and dipped my spoon in. The first time I brought it to my mouth, a wave of nausea overtook me and I thought I'd be sick. I stood up to ready myself for that disgusting trip to the bathroom but was too dizzy to stand. In the space of ten minutes, my Migraine had gone from tolerable to utterly debilitating. I cancelled the babysitting date for good and lay down for hours. HOURS. Two Imitrex pills, one Naproxen, and several mini-naps later, I emerged feeling woozy but pain-free.

Now I don't feel so despondent and hopeless, but today's episode did give me pause. Most Migraine attacks are ones that I can medicate quickly and all but cure. This one and the one I had two weeks ago were especially resistant to treatment, and I wondered what I'll do when one of these stubborn ones come on while I'm a bookstore owner. Who will take over last-minute? Can I put a "Back in 5...hours" sign on the door? These are issues I definitely have to work out, but I cannot--CANNOT--let them stop me from opening my business. Right?

congested congestion never ends

I have felt congested for, I don't know, a few MONTHS now? I chalked it up at first to Georgia weather, but this has gotten out of control. Quite often my entire head, from the skin on the back of it to my nose to the sinus cavities under my cheekbones (uh, there are sinus cavities there, right?) has been stuffy. Yes, experts, I realize that the diagnosis of "sinus headache" is not accurate and that it's usually Migraine at work (this is touched upon here). Yes, I realize that sinus congestion can be a precursor or side effect of a Migraine attack. But all the time? Really? Even when I'm not in the midst of a Migraine episode?

Perhaps this is tied to the incessant tiredness I've been dealing with. In the last couple weeks, I've gotten so tired I've succumbed to the desire to take a nap for 30-120 minutes. When I awake, I feel groggy at first but then have energy again. Imagine that--energy!

Here's what I'm thinking. I need to make more money. I need to make more money so I can see a doctor who actually practices in my town. I need to talk to a doctor whose staff doesn't feel like I'm bothering them. I need to figure out what's going on with my body as a whole, but I have to get over my hesitation when it comes to holistic healing. Okay, let's clarify: holistic treatment is one of the only methods that makes sense. Of course you have to look at the entire body in order to figure out what's happening to make you function under par. But so many holistic healers I've come across--mainly on the web or in accidental late night conversations at music shows--are a bit kooky. The daughter of two die-hard skeptics (not to mention I'm a skeptical little squirrel myself), it's difficult for me to swallow the talk they deliver, the talk that smacks of New Age (e.g., millenia-old) wisdom. What to do?

For now I can't do anything anyway. Ain't no dispensible income to speak of, so I'll just sit tight. Bright news at the moment? My stuffiness is only 15% present at the moment. And yes, that's an official calculation.

things have gone awry!

Shortly after posting earlier about what a great day I was having, a Migraine rapidly approached. To top it off, I had strange lower back pain and felt really bad, really fast.

Because of the muscle aches, I decided to go the Lortab + muscle relaxer route. It worked, but now I feel unpleasantly out of it and sad about the direction in which my day turned--before I got to my "should" list. I did go to the new Athens Farmers Market with my friend C., and I got that yard work done.

The last few times I've felt great, I've neglected to see that as a harbinger of a Migraine attack to come. As noted, I have the common prodrome side effect of "a sense of euphoria" before the headache begins. I wish I could just have euphoric feelings without the episode to follow.

I feel as if I'm making little sense; my fingers are typing more slowly than usual. Good ol' painkillers. You make me weak!

Thanks to Heather for the sweet thoughts--earlier this afternoon, she commented on how happy she was I was having a good day.