alive and well!

I don't know what my deal has been lately--I just haven't felt like posting on either of my blogs very often. Could it have something to do with the whirlwind past couple of weeks I had? February 21 was my 29th birthday, February 22 I flew out of Atlanta to Buenos Aires, and February 23 until now I've been in "the Paris of South America" trying to balance personal needs and the strong desire to spend every waking moment on these lovely avenues. It's still summer here, so spending too much time outside during the day in the sun is not a healthy option, as overexertion, excess heat, and excess sun are all migraine triggers for me. I've had one wine glass too many during a few dinners, but I've had no next-day migraine, just some grogginess. The last couple of nights I've had lots of water (no alcohol) and still woke up today a big groggy. That might be another subject for another time: I'm wondering why, for the last several weeks, I wake up feeling really heavy-headed and groggy--often waking up and walking around the house/sitting up tends to help. Congestion?

I hope you East Coasters are coping with the snow! Yesterday I wished I was with you; now that Monday has rolled around and the Georgia snow has become cased in dangerous ice, I'm grateful to be here where it's 80 degrees and sunny.

I've been doing yoga in the pool of our building's courtyard!

I've NOT been sticking to my diet very well: turns out nearly every meal option has enriched flour and/or cheese/cream on it. Well-cooked (i.e., not boiled to death) veggies and fresh fruits are harder to come by than I'd thought.

Hope to check in with you soon. Thanks as always for being there to be my sounding board, and sorry I've been missing the boat on some migraine action events lately.

my therapeutic yoga class

Okay, jury's in: I love my therapeutic yoga class. I was really overwhelmed after my first session--everyone in the class is amazing in his or her own way, and everyone has at least one (at least!) major health obstacle she's trying to cope with. All those fears about not being flexible enough, about not being able to keep up, about not doing things "correctly," have flown out the window. Slowly but surely I'm taking to heart my experienced yoga teacher's words: if your movements are painful, you're not doing yoga. Everyone's body is completely different from the next, so one person's ability to move in a certain way should not be judged against the next person's. In doing some arm exercises, I pushed myself to keep my arms high despite their beginning to get tingly and painful. After the class, I mentioned the discomfort to my teacher, who told me to lower my arms significantly--if that didn't work, we'd figure out another modification that would perhaps allow me to do this exercise.

Each class is two hours long but is not rigorous or stressful in the least. We move slowly and mindfully, paying attention to our breathing and always taking note of how our movements make our bodies feel. (I speak as if I'm a self-proclaimed guru at this point--this is far from the case, but speaking confidently about the practice sure can't hurt!) It's hard for me to slow my mind down, to not pay attention to the racing thoughts that flit across my brain like so many little birds.

There are two other severe chronic migraineurs in the class, and I completely misjudged how wonderful it'd be to talk with them in person. I've gained so much through web-based relationships on this blog (and in using other health websites), but to see someone's face as she describes her life with migraine is such a different experience. One woman's headaches were daily and severe. She, like me, made TONS of lifestyle changes all at once. She continually reassures me and encourages me, telling me how happy she feels that I have already begun to find hopefulness where before there was despair. This is a person who has been coming to this particular therapeutic yoga class for seven years, a chronic daily migraineur. Guess when her last migraine attack was? Over six years ago. Can you imagine that? I'm beginning to allow myself to imagine that. I'm not planning on it, mind you, but I am allowing myself to believe at last that this is possible, that after all this searching and medication and vitamins and doctor's visits there could be something that has a drastically wonderful effect on my life.

It's not easy to change everything at once. This evening my friend told me how she was about to order a greasy, delightfully cheesy Papa John's pizza. As soon as I was alone again, I thought about that pizza. Thought about dipping it in those notoriously fatty cups of garlic sauce and how wonderful it tastes.

And then I got home and heated up rice, broccoli, and onions for dinner. I feel satiated and healthy. No cheese-induced tummyache for me. But man--I do love pizza.

People, I want you to allow yourselves to be hopeful. I want you to imagine that it will be possible to live your lives without fear of a migraine coming on at the slightest provocation. For too long I have treated myself too gingerly--much of that was necessary and safe, I know, but it kept me from living my life well. KEEPS me from living my life well. (There goes Guru Jan again, acting as if she's got it all figure out, when really I'm play-acting here and there, only partly able to fully believe how healthy I am becoming.) It's so hard for me to imagine that any of these changes I've made could NOT help most of you. This from the girl who gets really frustrated when people, out of the goodness of their hearts, push so-called miracle drugs onto her--if Topamax works for so many, it MUST work for you, Janet! You're probably just not taking it right!

I fear becoming the person who pushes her ways onto you. At the same time, I can't resist trying to engage some of you in this discussion, to encourage some of you to incorporate healthier habits in an attempt to curb the number and severity of your attacks. Please let me know if I'm annoying you. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more. Please let me know if I should abandon this blog all together before driving you all crazy!! :)

therapeutic yoga!

I'm going to my first therapeutic yoga class in a few minutes. The teacher called me a couple weeks ago to discuss my needs, my health, etc.--so all the activities I do will be centered around what I need most.

Despite the teacher's friendliness and my excitement, I feel a little nervous...

could it really be that simple?

Were it not for overindulging on New Year's Eve (um, oops), I would probably still be having a migraine-free 2009. On the evening of the 31st, it'd been nine days since my last attack. As of 8 AM on the 1st, however, I was back at square one. That time I knew precisely who was the culprit: me and my re-found affection for white wine. Yes, it's true--I'm drinking that delicious nectar again, but with at LEAST 16 oz. of water with every glass of wine. Worked out well for me 'til NYE when I made the mistake of having a nightcap. Turns out wine is a bit more alcoholic than what I'm used to drinking.

But that's somewhat besides the point.

For the first time, I really, truly believe that I can get this disease under control. I'm following my doctor's orders, yes, but I'm not doing too much that's out of the ordinary. In general, I'm doing things I've always known to be good for me, things that I've let slip out of my life for one reason or another. As I've mentioned here before, the regular exercise has already proven to be quite the boon. It was nice to be validated by my new doctor, told that even long walks would give me a boost in serotonin. I don't need to swim at sprint-speed for an hour or even turn my walk into a run--I can just walk briskly five times a week and reap the benefits of exercise. It took some effort to let go of the notion that an "in shape" person should be able to jog or swim laps for much longer than I can without getting winded. Truth is, I'm not in the best shape. Another truth is that my body doesn't like it too much when I overexert myself (migraine trigger alert!), so why not take it easy and work my way up to some gentle exercise that fits the bill and makes me feel better?

A few days ago, I walked by the Habitat for Humanity parking lot on a walk. "Girl, you need to be runnin'!" a worker loading boxes called out to me. I do believe that a few months (or even years) ago I would have felt a bit bad after hearing this, simply knowing that I SHOULD be able to run and jump and do the activities a healthier person can. But this day was different. "Nah, I'm more of a walker," I called back, to which the man responded with a smile: "All right, all right!" I could have cited the arthritis in my knees, my bouts with sciatica, and my tendency to develop a migraine when I overexert myself. But I didn't. I just admitted that I'm more of a walker and kept on going. And you know what? I wasn't hard on myself afterward. I didn't spend too much time harping on the differences between my super-in-shape self of the early 90s (when I was a pre-teen, mind you!) and the 28-year-old I am today. I just kept going, and I felt great. There is a joy in being able to move and exercise without pain; you don't need to overdo it in order to feel accomplished. If there's one thing I've learned in these 2+ months of exercising healthily, it's that it's important to do what's right for you and not judge yourself by the standards set forth by fitness experts and marathon runners. Just do what you can. I do, and I hope to continue doing this.

Most of the other recommendations from the doctor were pretty simple, too. Eat well, treat my body well, and the like. J., my beau, pointed out the fact that many of the doctor's tips were tips he'd recommended for us long ago. Eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. Try to cut out dairy. J. hadn't called the "weed out white and enriched flour" bit, but that wasn't surprising. White and enriched flour is rougher on your system if you're sensitive like me and have IBS.

I keep reflecting on my wonderful visit and wishing more people could meet with this same doctor and have success. Were I you, I'd be skeptical. All the same, I'm putting it out there: I'm convinced that this person could help many of the people reading this. No, I'm not going to post his name and information (though if you are convinced by my admiration you can email me for details). He diagnosed me with several diseases/disorders I'd long since guessed I'd had, but didn't diagnose in a way I perceived as threatening or upsetting. He just verified my suspicions: I have mild depression, chronic fatigue (but not necessarily chronic fatigue syndrome, mind you), arthritis, allodynia (which I suspected I had on my scalp but had no idea was related to the bruised feeling I often have on my arms, legs, and torso!), Migraine disease (duh), irritable bowl syndrome (IBS), hypersensitivity, and mucositis (inflammation of the mucus membranes--mine is chronic but should be helped with my new regimen). I felt vindicated and relieved--all of these seemingly disparate symptoms I've been suffering from for a long time were all named, and all of them were related to my naturally low serotonin levels. The doctor is convinced that regulating my serotonin levels will allow me to live a happier, more productive, and less painful life. He pointed out how much better I'd been feeling since I started exercising and said that the exercise, combined with a diet that's easier on my system and some other exercise and relaxation techniques, I could cut out the majority of my migraines.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Every day I make a smoothie chock full of good things for me--blueberries, pomegranate juice, tea, oatmeal soaked in rice milk, flaxseed, and some supplements. Each morning and night I take supplements/vitamins, a few of which I've been taking for a couple of years now. Five days a week I'm to engage in "gentle exercise" for 30-60 minutes, depending on how long it takes for me to reach the peak when I have the endorphin rush. I've been exercising 45-70 minutes when I go out and walk. Tomorrow I'll call and sign myself up for therapeutic yoga class (which I convinced Handicapped Twin to go to, too!); soon I'll buy a book on mindful meditation (the main form of meditation that has lots of good research behind it, hence the hospital being able to endorse it). The more I do for myself, the better and more hopeful I feel. I've already begun returning more to what I consider my "real" self--making calls to distant loved ones with more frequency, writing letters again (something I was once famous for but sort of dropped in recent times), and persuing creative activity. Hell, I even enrolled in the Sketchbook Project and am trying my hand at drawing, something I never thought I'd do.

I'm happy. I really hope you are, too. I hate the fact that I might sound as if I'm proselytizing, but it's hard to hold back when you've been hopeless for so long and suddenly see concrete evidence that your life is changing for the better. I dare any of you who've made it through this entire blog entry to start exercising a few days a week to the best of your ability and see if you don't feel better. I dare you!

Happy 2009. Love love love.

the best is yet to come!

I've been doing better and better at staying positive--it helps that my migraine frequency and severity have both plummeted in the last month and a half, I know.

Goals for 2009:

• Eat well (and according to doctor's instructions) -- this means limiting dairy (wah) and cutting out as much refined & white flour as possible. This means eating more fresh fruit and veggies. No regular intake of sugary sweetness.
  
• Exercise frequently. No need to pressure myself to become a runner or hard-core cardioaddict. Just regular, gentle exercise. Slow laps in the pool, long walks around the neighborhood, yoga class. Take it easy while staying in shape and keeping those delicious endorphins and serotonin levels coursing through my body.
• Accept my life as it is and figure out which goals of mine are realistic. Don't take on too much. Meditate. Learn to calm myself down and lower stress. Don't overcommit. Do make time for friends and family when possible and healthy. Don't give myself guilt trips for not accomplishing every single thing I have ever considered.
  
• Sleep as regularly as possible. Try to cut out naps (wah). Wake up around the same time each day.
• Don't get intimidated by the above goals! Any little bit I can do will help; the more I do, the better off I am.
  

I wish you all good health and happiness in 2009. I haven't been blogging as much because I haven't wanted to think too much about migraine while feeling well. No, I don't think I'll jinx myself or anything; it's just that, for the moment, I don't need this outlet as much. Oh, okay--and I think I'll jinx my current good fortune just a bit.

That being said, goodbye for now! Talk to you next year.

Y-M-C-A!

I have had the scholarship application for the Athens YMCA in my hands for months now. The duty of acquiring all the official documentation to prove that joining the Y is out of my budget...? Well, that's a duty I wasn't accomplishing.

Yesterday, I put "finish YMCA scholarship app." on my things-to-do list. I had a couple of questions for the Y, so I emailed the man in charge. Come to find out the scholarships are for kids. Uh.... Oops. Nevermind the fact that the forms don't mention that.

The friendly contact person did tell me that adults in need could have the "building fee" waived in an attempt for them to be able to afford the Y. "How do I go about applying for that?" I asked in an email last evening. This morning I got a reply from him--he just asked that I print out his email stating the building fee was waived for me.

Done and done.

How easy as pie was that? I love how I lazed around with that defunct application for months only to find out all it took was a simple email interaction and request.

Procrastination = bad
Being proactive = good

Now...back to avoiding my work.

achy and lazy

Saturday I woke up tired. Tired and sore. Most likely that's because I stayed up pretty late Friday night and had one too many vodka-sodas. Fair enough. I didn't feel hungover OR migrainey (miracle of miracles), but I was achy and tired much of the day. When night fell, however, I was awake and energetic and inspired. J. and I had some sushi, went to see a friend play music downtown, and then rented a movie. I was in a silly, hyper, ridiculous mood until I fell asleep around 1:30.

The next night (last night, Sunday), I was up really late again. I saw a movie with my friend and, after walking home, took my nightly meds and planned to go to sleep. But THEN my beau came over to hang out, and we ended up making pizza at one in the morning (I had only snacked for dinner instead of eating a real meal, so I was hungry!) and watching a movie. Again, despite having a tired, achy day, my night was fun and silly and giggly. (I am pretty weird in real life, this I must admit--the last two evenings I exploited this trait for all its worth.)

I was wired and couldn't fall asleep last night. Eventually I shut the light off around 3:45 AM; of course that meant I didn't wake up 'til an embarrasingly late hour today. I've accomplished some things around the house (wrote a couple of emails, did the dishes, tidied up, visited with a good friend I've not seen in a LONG time, etc.), but I feel unaccomplished, tired, achy, and lazy overall. Wholly uninspired. It could be that my lovely time of the month is settling in for its visit. Perhaps the achiness is due to that. It could be because I skipped out on this week's exercise and yoga. Maybe none of the above. Maybe all of the above.

In any case, I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside, knowing that getting up and being active is the way to go. But since I have work tonight and a big editing assignment coming in the mail tomorrow, I feel like vegging while I can. So I continue in this pattern of achy laziness.

Let's hope I'm not so down on myself tomorrow.

yoga nidra

On Sunday at noon, I went to one of Athens's many yoga centers for a yoga nidra class. (I just wrote "noga yidra" and had to erase it. Thanks, Imitrex, for your charming effects on my brain.) My friend A. was about thirty seconds into her explanation of it when I decided it would indeed be for me.

As someone who's done yoga nidra twice, I don't feel equipped to aptly (or accurately) describe it. From a layman's perspective, it goes a little something like this:
1. Lie on your back on the floor, preferably on top of a yoga mat or comfortable, thin cushion.
2. Cover your eyes with a soft cloth or eye mask. (For people who can tolerate the smell, a lavender-infused eye mask is nice.)
3. Adjust your body so you are as comfortable as possible.
4. Listen for instructions.
5. 45-75 minutes later, you're done. You have not moved that entire time.

This yoga can be done by even those of us who aren't flexible or super-athletic. Let me reiterate: YOU DO NOT MOVE FOR AN HOUR.

The teacher (or kind British voice on the free mp3 recording) will have you get in position and relax first. Then you'll "rotate consciousness" (skeptics, just go with it) by focusing on one body part at a time. The "61-point" focusing exercise is repeated 2-3 times and really does leave you feeling relaxed and mushy and good. Then you are led through some relaxing breathing exercises and visualizations. The goal afterward is to feel more refreshed and ready to live life, as a properly done yoga nidra session is supposedly as restorative as four hours of deep sleep.

Interesting stuff. And it feels so good! It's also interesting to willingly put yourself in that stage that occurs between wakefulness and sleep, that lucid dreaming zone where it seems as if you're having an out-of-mind experience, watching how your brain works as your body calms down. It's really, really interesting. I promise.

I refer you to this Wikipedia link and really encourage you to read it. Yoga nidra is especially recommended for those whose brains race, who have chronic pain, who have been feeling stressed or anxious, and more. It takes awhile to get used to the practice, but I'm told by the yoga teacher and other practitioners that every time you do yoga nidra it helps you--and every time the session is different because you yourself have changed since the last time you practiced.

gentle yoga, part 2

I had another good hour-long yoga class yesterday. It was hard to believe that an entire week had passed since my last class! Of course I started to give myself a hard time for not going to yoga several times a week, but within a few minutes I refocused my thoughts and patted myself on the back for finally making the time and effort to go once a week. I'll build up to more classes as my body and schedule allow. (It helps ease the guilt when I see that the other relevant classes at my nearby studio are offered when I am working.)

The teacher gave me a couple good tips for taking care of my head. The most important recommendation for yoga movements (according to her)? Try not to put my head below the rest of my body to avoid having the blood rush to my head. (For example, in child's pose, she thought it'd be good for me to rest my head on a soft yoga block instead of having it all the way down on the ground. As I detest the feeling of blood rushing to my head, I will take this advice!)

yoga at last!

Today, after my eye exam, I went to the closest of my neighborhood yoga studios and took a free (donations-based) yoga class! Titled "Gentle Yoga," today's class was just that. It lasted about an hour and did not involve any hard-core stretches; the teacher repeatedly told us that one of the focuses of her gentle yoga class was to get a feel for how your body reacts to different stretches, how it feels to breathe in different positions, and how to balance your body better. I had a good time, and (dare I say it?) for a minute there I actually felt like I was doing some good. And by that I mean I think I am going to be sore tomorrow.

As a girl who used to be in excellent physical shape, it's sometimes hard for me to hold back a little when I get active again. I must remind myself that I am no longer capable of the exertion and exercise that were once easily within my power, that I must work up to the point where I can be a super-duper exercise woman. Oftentimes, I am fed up with my inability to perform as well as I did at age twelve and give up. I don't want that to happen this time.

Speaking of overdoing it because I was convinced my body still held its youthful pre-teen powers.... Once I took a kickboxing class with my AmeriCorps friends in Florida. I was all over this class, pumping my fists in the air, kicking my legs high, and doing ceaseless lunges while pretending not to be winded. That night and the next day, my comrades were wiped out and sore, while I felt great.

And then came the day AFTER that. And the several days that followed that one. I was sore, sore, sore, and the soreness in my body helped trigger a lovely little spell of Migraines. I had ignored the teacher's warning to take it easy if we'd never had a kickboxing class before, that it was okay to hold back now and again rather than overdoing it. Oops.

Today in the yoga class I was tempted to stretch more than my body was willing to--I wanted to show those people that I had innate yogic ability! I could suddenly be flexible in my legs even though I have NEVER been able touch my toes. But then common sense whispered in one ear while the teacher spoke in the other: listen to your body. Be mindful of how different movements feel, and don't do certain positions if something feels wrong.

So then I chilled out and enjoyed myself more. My favorite part was the last five minutes of relaxation with a lavender-infused eye mask, though. Maybe in a few months' time I'll say that the hardcore stretches are my favorite, but for now I liked the lie-down-and-rest-while-breathing.

Migraine & Headache Blog Carnival for JUNE!

You'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't enjoy taking vacations, but in our Migraine & headache community, it's easy to come across many folks who see the health threats that accompany any trip out of town. Luckily for all of you reading this, we have a really helpful batch of blogs to sift through, all of which will increase your chance of having a happy, healthy vacation despite your headache disease. Some people have a very personal take on the situation, describing specific issues they've had preparing for and embarking upon vacations. Others give us generalized lists of things to pack and/or what to be aware of as you travel to maintain a pain-free brain. Whether or not you have a trip coming up, I believe these writers' tips and insights will benefit you.

• First let's look at some entries that explore the personal side of dealing with Migraine while you're out of town.

To kick things off, Andrea has an entry called "Horrid Day for a Migraine. Could Have Been Worse." that will probably hit VERY close to home for any of us who've had a Migraine attack before. Reading about the various commitments she's trying to balance in the midst of a rough episode will let you see how even the most summery, beautiful day can be hell for someone with Migraine.

Aaron D., who blogs at Pain in the Head, wrote a personal and practical entry about readying your mind (and suitcase) for a headache attack before vacation even if you've been feeling well lately. He also discusses the desire to "not ruin it for everyone" even if your friends are very understanding about Migraine disease. Check his entry here: "Vacation from Pain."

Migraine Chick talks about how she's planning on tackling Migraine-related fear (and Migraine attacks themselves) during her next vacation in "Conquering the Dreaded Migraine Monster on Vacation."

Debbie Fister is on the same page. In "Migraine and Vacation: Oxymoron?" she has created an entry featuring an easy-to-follow list for herself so she can stay as healthy as possible on vacation--and this list will be handy for many of you, too, I'm sure!

Ever feel that you'd like a migraine-oriented reminder list before you go on vacation? Reflecting on a recent trip that was chock full of potential triggers, MaxJerz (rhymes with migraine) offers several tips for traveling migraineurs that will help ease your frustrations before and during your trip in "Shred of Normalcy."

Diana Lee presents "14 Tips for Chronically Ill Travelers" posted at Somebody Heal Me: The Musings of a Chronic Migraineur.

"Vacationing With Migraine - The Down & Dirty Details" is a thoughtful post by Ellen Schnakenberg giving a nice batch of information and recommendations for traveling Migraine and headache sufferers. She has condensed her tips here so you can easily print the main ideas for yourself. How useful!

I had been planning on writing a nice, long list of helpful tips for myself and you all on my blog--but after one hellish night at a hotel a couple weeks ago, I ended up chronicling my adventure instead: "How to Survive a Vacation Tip 1: Don't Trust the Website." Dare I say it's worth a read? Then a quick search of my blog caused me to realize I compiled a list of travel tips in early April. Check 'em out if you wish.

• Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean you'll be able to let go of all the stress you feel! The following entries focus on controlling stress, triggers, and emphasizing relaxation.

Thought-out planning is a necessity for anyone for chronic illness, and it's also important to make sure that unplanned choices that come up while on your trip aren't going to trigger a Migraine. James Cotrill sheds some light on some surprising ingredients in energy drinks in "Energy Drinks - Know What You're Drinking." If you're like me, I know you might have a Vitamin Water now and then to give yourself a boost. Before you take that next sip, know what you're drinking!

Have you ever had trouble on the prescription front, worried you'll not have enough medication to last you before, during, and after vacation? The blog How to Cope with Pain has two excellent entries giving us tips. First there's a post about getting "90 Days of Narcotics: How to Best Use the New Drug Laws." We also are let in on "A Pharmacy Secret" that will de-stress your trip a great deal.


Roshan at Taoist Yoga gives us this piece called "Regulating the Body." Here we find a basic introduction to the benefits of breathing correctly in order to heal the hurt spots in our bodies--check out the entire blog and links for further instruction.


Focusing on the belief that our bodies instinctively know how to heal themselves and that we can best be healed when in a state of peaceful relaxation, here Anmol Mehta discusses some underlying tenets of natural healing on the blog http://anmolmehta.com/. Axel G. takes this discussion in a slightly different direction, giving us some information on stressors and how to control their effects on the body with "Stress Management."

In discussing the post "The Power of Pearl," author Lee writes, "consider this: bring a string of pearls (or pearl powder) along and use it during your vacation for a headache reduction. This article reveals the not-so-well known healing powers of pearl..." If you're interested, you can read more entries from Reiki Vancouver.

Be well, everyone! That's an order.

**Thanks to Diana Lee for allowing me to host this terrific blog carnival this month!**

missing out on all the fun

My friend just called me from the Okkervil River show. One of my favorite songs of theirs, "Our Life is a Not Movie or Maybe" (which plays when you visit their site) blared through my cell phone speaker, peppered with high-pitched screams of delight from the audience and some whistles.

You see, I was supposed to be at that show. L. bought me a ticket a month or so ago as a birthday gift, and I was thrilled by the fact that I was really into BOTH bands--the opener (Okkervil River) and the headlining act (The New Pornographers). This evening, I did some yoga stretches for my neck and then took a warm shower, telling myself this was a recipe for a good evening. I'd taken a nap earlier in the day to have extra reserves of energy at my command so I could stay out late and still wake up early for work tomorrow. I did everything right.

After my shower, I wanted to creep into oversized jeans and a hoodie for comfort; instead, I put on an equally comfortable but cute dress in an effort to convince myself I was feeling better. See? Look at me! I have mascara and a dress on, plus some earplugs in my pocket to boot. Surely I'm going to have a great night out!

Went to dinner. Tried to park downtown in a [free after 6 PM] metered spot but had no luck. When I went to my ol' trusty backup free lots, I was alarmed to see that BOTH of them now charge $5 to park. Frustrated and inordinately enraged (was that me or the steroids that wanted to crash the cars in the parking lot?), I drove back through the city streets 'til I found a spot. I wanted so badly to honk obnoxiously over and over to assert my premier position as another guy tried to deftly slide into the spot I'd been waiting for for a good sixty seconds, but I refrained and kept it at a light tap. Oh, I was ANGRY. Far angrier than I should've been, I realize. I tend to get fed up easily when I'm not feeling well, when I'm out of control--I'd bet the "extreme irritability" that comes along with the steroids for some people didn't help. (Last night I nearly had a temper tantrum in the middle of the night because the damned sheet kept getting tangled--I wanted to rip the stupid thing off the bed and burn it. 'Roidy, much?)

So there I was. I parked, took a deep breath, and walked to meet my friend C.--I was now 15 minutes late. We hopped restaurants a few times 'til we found one with no wait, and, after a strange coughing attack (my throat has felt weird lately), I sat down and eagerly awaited my sub sandwich.

It was at that point it hit me. I was exhausted again. My 45-minute outing had zapped my energy. I'm sick of sleeping, sick of lying down, sick of being inside my house. But going to a loud rock show was going to be a silly move, most likely. In any case, there's no way for me to see which one would be the better option in reality, to go to the show or to skip it--I have to choose one path with every decision I make and there's never any knowing what could have been. Maybe the show would've had me relaxed, jumping up and down, and feeling better. And maybe the crowded theater, the loud music, and the high-pitched cheering would have been a recipe for disaster.

L. came to where I was sitting with C. and hung out for a couple minutes. She has always been so loyal and so good to me regarding my Migraines. "I don't want you to go if it's going to make you feel bad," she said, and having her support allowed me to officially bail out, guilt free. I've known her for years now, and instead of getting more frustrated at my self-set, self-preserving limitations I make as time goes on, she's more understanding and less apt to pressure me to do something my body can't handle.

As I walked past the theater on the way to my car, I heard another favorite song ("A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene") playing from the stage. I paused. I peered in at the stage and saw the small figures bouncing to the sound of their music. The trumpets joined in.

I kept walking, the sounds of the music echoing off the small city block. As soon as I climbed into my car, there was someone else waiting to take my spot.

yoga

I have toyed with the idea of going to a yoga class for years now. A few months ago, I announced to my friends that I'd be starting yoga. That I'd bitten the bullet.

And I still didn't go. I don't know what it is about me that makes me not want to start. New and unfamiliar territory doesn't feel good to me, but once I've gone in and made a place for myself I usually feel pretty good (even in the rare cases that I'm feeling good just because I'm getting out of there!). I half-dread the first class. I'm not flexible, not hep to the lingo, unaware of what to do with my body when, and I certainly don't think I'll know people there. Would I want to know people there?

I know what I would say to myself were I an outsider giving unsolicited advice. "You'll be fine! No one's watching you, they're busy doing their own thing. If anything, people will be supportive and helpful and glad you're there." "Everyone's at her own level--the instructors understand that." "Good for you for going--I'm sure it'll benefit your health."

Already checked out the environment: asked a friend of mine who goes to the same yoga studio about the lighting situation. Apparently we're in the clear as far as fluorescents go. Yeehaw!

Today I got a yoga mat from someone on freecycle.org. Next I just have to show a little commitment and go to a class. I need to be dared first. Or paid. Or something! Somehow knowing it's going to do wonders for my health isn't enough. What's wrong with me?