blurry vision day + screen smarts

From the moment I woke up today, my head felt funny. Stuffy and tight, dizzying and borderline-achy. For some moments, it felt as if my sinuses were slowly and painfully trying to press at my skin and burst out. (Gross, I know--but the truth hurts, kids.)

I've mentioned before how going into brightly lit megastores or driving down a rainy road can make my vision go a bit wonky. Today I was having a less-than-stellar vision day--thank goodness for glasses! Things looked hazy, and squinting to look at faraway objects merely irritated my head, face, and sinuses even more. Street signs were blurry and I had to be much closer to them than usual in order to read their words. (Again I express gratitude for my glasses, especially the rose-tinted ones that are especially pleasant on overcast days.)

After I write this blog entry, I'm going to close the computer and not open it again! You hear me, young lady? (Yes ma'am.) I've been spending way too much time online lately, and it's not been for any real reason. Checking my Facebook page every hour is quite unnecessary, as is feverishly looking at my four (4!) Gmail accounts and my bank account information. I feel almost compulsive in my internet behavior this week, telling myself I'll shut the laptop after I check all the accounts and my Facebook account one last time before finishing up with computer time.

Because the computer oozes an eerie glow that's not so pleasant to the eyes, I should be further motivated to shut the darned thing off more often than I do. On a day like today, when I'm feeling a bit under the weather (aforementioned vision blurriness and head stuffiness combined with some back pain), it's easier yet more harmful to keep the laptop in my lap instead of getting up and being a little more active. Bleh.

Today I also had some fast food, which I've not done much in 2009. For weeks I've been eating well--lots of veggies and good-for-you fresh foods. To suddenly indulge in salty French fries and chicken is, in three words, numbing, gross, and heavy.

So Lazy Monster bids you adieu. Time to shut the computer and drink a tall glass of water. Time to listen to music and tidy the house. Time to finish that letter I started last night. Time to stop staring at screens. Time to stay at home and relax despite the fact that some friends have shows (music shows, that is) tonight. Time to not make myself feel guilty for missing friends' shows. Time to say goodnight.

Goodnight

feeling like myself again

The other day I was in an excellent mood, flitting about the house getting things done, rearranging furniture, etc. As I had faintly suspected, this sense of euphoria and increased energy was a signal that the prodrome had set in. For a couple of days (and evenings) after that awesome night, I was pretty laid up and out of commission with Migraine.

Late in the evening on Tuesday--say, around eleven or so--I started to feel okay. I'd already missed a close friend's birthday get-together so felt a bit bummed out. Mainly I was relieved, though--the pain was lifting and I had a little bout of energy. I cleaned & rearranged my jewelry. I wrote a letter. I read a chunk of my book.

Wednesday I babysat for a few hours and, despite not having slept well the night before, I was happy and energetic with the kids. We played outside and I didn't once feel the need to lie down and rest. (A few weeks back, the six-year-old walked up to me shortly after I arrived at his house to sit. "Are you sleepy?" he asked me. "Um...not right now, no. Why did you ask that?" "Cause you're always sleepy," he replied in a sad voice. Wow. It's not as if I didn't know I felt run-down pretty often--it's that I'd thought that, in general, the kids saw me as an energetic, healthy person, not an "always tired" type. Hmm.)

Now it's Saturday at one in the morning, and my good mood, good spirits, and good health are all still going strong. I survived a big Thanksgiving Day (and night!) with some good friends and didn't get a migraine (!). Hours ago, the sunny and warm day turned into a chilly, rainy one, and my head didn't freak out as it usually would. Yesterday evening I had a few drinks and didn't wake up feeling extra tired or migrainey.


I've been engaging in activities I used to love but that have since fallen by the wayside due to my blah-ish indifference or my schedule--when so much of my time is taken up by Migraine, my non-sick times aren't usually spent on my goofy old habits. Here's a list of a few things I used to love doing but had kind of stopped until very recently (VERY recently):

1. played my piano keyboard, practicing notes and playing songs badly (I don't exactly have a formal piano education and can't play with two hands any better than a preschooler might--but it's fun!)
2. created many a paper craft, including a hand turkey, cut-out scissor crafts, and paper dolls
3. borrowed J.'s guitar and whipped out my cousin Bev's thirty-plus-year-old Mel Bay guitar instructional books
4. write letters to friends
5. hung lots of art & photos on the walls, art that had been sitting around for MONTHS waiting to be displayed
6. continued compiling my favorite photographs for a little photography portfolio
7. cleaned my silver jewelry (and some of the fake stuff, too, which appeared shiny and new again for about ten minutes before it re-tarnished--what gives?)
8. took a few long walks
9. snapped some photos of my neighborhood
10. made a cake (from the box--thank you, Duncan Hines)
11. repaired a beaded necklace my friend's cat chewed on and messed up approximately THREE YEARS AGO (it's been sitting around in plastic wrap since that fateful day I found it all torn up)
12. burned a CD of Costa Rica photos for my friend Rosa, a CD she requested I make in January 2008
13. sent a postcard to my cousin Laura--a postcard I bought and wrote in July 2007

+ more!!

Look at me, look at me! Now's the time when I indulge in a little fantasy about how this is how life will be from here on out. My migraines are gone for good, you see, and I'll NEVER BE SICK AGAIN. Awesome, huh? ;)

old habits die hard

At least that's what my brain seems to think. Of course I was being deliberately naive (and a tad facetious) last week when I asserted my belief that my Migraines had bit the dust for good! Let's face it: Sunday I felt fine, Monday - Wednesday I felt phenomenal! Too bad the monster returned on Thursday, Friday AND Saturday. Perhaps that had something to do with Athfest weekend, which leads to my getting overexcited and therefore headachey due to that anticipation and stress. (Good stress, usually, but still.) Saturday I drove to Atlanta to meet up with one of my very best friends who was in town from Ireland. As much fun as we had going to see R.E.M., The National, and Modest Mouse, the long drive to meet her in addition to the rush to get into the amphitheatre and the sheer excitement of seeing her and seeing the bands led to #3 for the week.

No triptans for me until Thursday! I'll make it. I have to.

That's all for now--just thought I'd give a little update to say that I am not cured as I had wished to be.

missing out on all the fun

My friend just called me from the Okkervil River show. One of my favorite songs of theirs, "Our Life is a Not Movie or Maybe" (which plays when you visit their site) blared through my cell phone speaker, peppered with high-pitched screams of delight from the audience and some whistles.

You see, I was supposed to be at that show. L. bought me a ticket a month or so ago as a birthday gift, and I was thrilled by the fact that I was really into BOTH bands--the opener (Okkervil River) and the headlining act (The New Pornographers). This evening, I did some yoga stretches for my neck and then took a warm shower, telling myself this was a recipe for a good evening. I'd taken a nap earlier in the day to have extra reserves of energy at my command so I could stay out late and still wake up early for work tomorrow. I did everything right.

After my shower, I wanted to creep into oversized jeans and a hoodie for comfort; instead, I put on an equally comfortable but cute dress in an effort to convince myself I was feeling better. See? Look at me! I have mascara and a dress on, plus some earplugs in my pocket to boot. Surely I'm going to have a great night out!

Went to dinner. Tried to park downtown in a [free after 6 PM] metered spot but had no luck. When I went to my ol' trusty backup free lots, I was alarmed to see that BOTH of them now charge $5 to park. Frustrated and inordinately enraged (was that me or the steroids that wanted to crash the cars in the parking lot?), I drove back through the city streets 'til I found a spot. I wanted so badly to honk obnoxiously over and over to assert my premier position as another guy tried to deftly slide into the spot I'd been waiting for for a good sixty seconds, but I refrained and kept it at a light tap. Oh, I was ANGRY. Far angrier than I should've been, I realize. I tend to get fed up easily when I'm not feeling well, when I'm out of control--I'd bet the "extreme irritability" that comes along with the steroids for some people didn't help. (Last night I nearly had a temper tantrum in the middle of the night because the damned sheet kept getting tangled--I wanted to rip the stupid thing off the bed and burn it. 'Roidy, much?)

So there I was. I parked, took a deep breath, and walked to meet my friend C.--I was now 15 minutes late. We hopped restaurants a few times 'til we found one with no wait, and, after a strange coughing attack (my throat has felt weird lately), I sat down and eagerly awaited my sub sandwich.

It was at that point it hit me. I was exhausted again. My 45-minute outing had zapped my energy. I'm sick of sleeping, sick of lying down, sick of being inside my house. But going to a loud rock show was going to be a silly move, most likely. In any case, there's no way for me to see which one would be the better option in reality, to go to the show or to skip it--I have to choose one path with every decision I make and there's never any knowing what could have been. Maybe the show would've had me relaxed, jumping up and down, and feeling better. And maybe the crowded theater, the loud music, and the high-pitched cheering would have been a recipe for disaster.

L. came to where I was sitting with C. and hung out for a couple minutes. She has always been so loyal and so good to me regarding my Migraines. "I don't want you to go if it's going to make you feel bad," she said, and having her support allowed me to officially bail out, guilt free. I've known her for years now, and instead of getting more frustrated at my self-set, self-preserving limitations I make as time goes on, she's more understanding and less apt to pressure me to do something my body can't handle.

As I walked past the theater on the way to my car, I heard another favorite song ("A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene") playing from the stage. I paused. I peered in at the stage and saw the small figures bouncing to the sound of their music. The trumpets joined in.

I kept walking, the sounds of the music echoing off the small city block. As soon as I climbed into my car, there was someone else waiting to take my spot.

The King of Migraines

I've read about Elvis having had severe Migraine problems before; I've read on reputable health websites that many of the drugs found in his system during the autopsy were treatments (both OTC and not) for his Migraine disease.

This article, though nearly a decade old, tells how the medical community and reporters found out about Elvis's health information.

http://www.migraines.org/new/news9904.htm

Interesting. Sad.

(photo courtesy of www.elvispresleynews.com/ElvisMedicalReport.html)

creativity and migraine?

I'm going to write an article for a weekly paper about the relationship (or lack thereof) between disorders such as Migraine disease, bipolar disorder, depression, etc. and creativity. If anyone has any feedback they'd like to give, I'd love to read it!

Thanks.

Have a migraine as we speak, so I'm going to lie down again.

Wilco's Jeff Tweedy speaks out at last!

I'm pretty thrilled about The New York Times migraine blog, as you probably will have noticed by now. From the first day I spotted it, I noticed that Jeff Tweedy (Wilco, Loose Fur), one of my favorite musicians, was to be a contributor. Day after day, I checked the site and saw nothing from him. Imagine my delight when tonight I checked the site again and he had written a really honest, beautiful post about living with Migraine, panic attacks, depression, and an unceasing love of music.

Here's the comment I made:
As a HUGE Wilco fan who never knew you had migraines until this website launched in February, I've been waiting with baited breath for your post. I have been reading every writer's post and think that yours is my favorite thus far in terms of how well I can relate.

By the way, beginning just weeks after buying A Ghost is Born, I started fast-forwarding the end of "Less Than You Think." Once I told a friend it reminded me of having a headache approach. Little did I know that was the inspiration. You achieved the goal!

Thanks again for writing. I hope you have some more to say about it later, in this forum or another.