a weight off my shoulders

As I mentioned awhile back, I was set to write an article for my city's weekly paper, Flagpole. The article's subject? The relationship among creativity and illness (mental and physical). I got lots of good tips, conducted some research, and even interviewed a few people.

Know when I turned the article into the editor? Never.

This duty has been weighing on my mind during this the worst period of Migraine pain and debility I've had in a long while. I missed out on work five or six days due to illness in the last couple of months, a marked change from missing just one once in awhile. I am having an awesome time working on bookstore stuff when I can handle it, but I've let a lot of paperwork and work commitments fall to the wayside if it was at all possible to procrastinate.

The article was really stress-inducing. Each time (truly, each time) I set aside for working just on the article I was either sick (75% of the time) or forced to do last-minute work-related things (25% of the time). Today I finally wrote to the editor to let her know I wouldn't be sending her the article any time soon--at this point, she might not even want it.

As soon as that long strip of April attacks began (the neverending headache from April 10-17, to be exact), I thought to myself, "I should nix this article idea. It's one small thing in the grand scheme of things; it's one small thing in a regular person's life. But for me it's just too heavy a commitment at this point." But I didn't admit that to myself for more than a minute at a time. Instead, I kept thinking I could get it all done. The two things I found most difficult were:
1. my perceived need to not let this kind stranger, the editor, think badly of me and,
2. my tendency to deny the fact that what I used to be able to do is not equal to what I can accomplish now--my abilities are diminished, and I hate that.

Here's what I wrote to the editor. I hope I don't come across too feeble or too annoying or too fake. Then again, I need to work on not worrying about what others think, right? Oh, I hope so.

Dear ________,

I'm embarrassed to have to write to you today. I should've written a few weeks ago, but I kept hoping that this awful bout of Migraine attacks would taper off as it usually does. I've been spending far more time lying in bed feeling bad than I have out in the world working or socializing. Weather changes can signal a particularly difficult time in a migraineur's life, but this spring has been intolerable.

All the research for the article is finished. I have rough starts of two rough drafts but nothing solid to speak of. I know we didn't establish a deadline, but it's clear to me that I am very late.

If you'd be interested in waiting to hear from me when I'm on the mend, then I'd be happy to finish up the work I've begun then--I just can't be sure when that will be. As of right now, I'm having to notify you to let you both know that I cannot fulfill my commitments right now despite my deep wish to.

I hope you can try to understand! Again, I'm really sorry.

Sincerely,

Janet Geddis
http://themigrainegirl.blogspot.com

I'm on the verge...

I can well imagine myself having caffeine this weekend if I don't start feeling better. My head is about 5 times worse than when I wrote earlier this morning, and I can actually smell that polleny, grassy smell pouring out from my air conditioning vents thanks to the lawn dudes and all they stirred up with their fancy equipment. The yard looks great. I do not.

I'm bending the Maxalt rules a bit, too. You know how it says not to take the drug more than three days a week? Well, I took it last weekend and decided that Monday would start a new week. So even though I had a Maxalt on the 17th, 18th, 21st, and 22nd, I'm only counting the second pair of days because...well...because I feel HORRIFIC and cannot function. So Let's pretend the week started on Monday and not Sunday. Work for you? I hope it works for me. I should not risk MOH but feel crippled without being able to help myself through this.

Now that people actually read this blog, I feel sort of ashamed when I admit that I'm not fulfilling promises to myself (i.e., don't take too many triptans in too short a time, Janet!). But I also have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not alone in this struggle and think that, for those of you who read this, hearing that someone else is on the cusp of doing the forbidden in terms of drug treatment might resonate with you.

Wah.

Overcast, pollinated day
Why don't you just go away?!

Third time's a charm? Not so much.

Well, I've got to blame someone for this ever-present bout with pain and Migraine headaches. I do want to lay all my blame and anger on THE POLLEN. Perhaps that explains some of my grogginess, too! GO AWAY, POLLEN!

Had a migraine attack the moment I left work Wednesday, another yesterday afternoon shortly after finishing my babysitting job around noon (one that didn't disappear until nighttime and two Maxalts), and--surprise!--another the moment I sat up in bed this morning at 7:20. Curses.

The folks who landscape my community's property are here, which means stirred up grass and the pollen droppings (which are all over my roof and porch and grass). Thank goodness I'm leaving town today for the beach! I think salty air will be nicer than yellow air.


See all that brown stuff? POLLEN. All of it ------->

an out of the blue attack

Usually I can feel the discomfort in my head building as the minutes pass. I have time to decide whether or not to take anything for the attack.

Tonight I was having a perfectly nice evening outdoors, working my job as a storyteller (glorified name for a book reader and literacy advocate) at an area homeless shelter. I got up, put my book bag and blanket in the car, and signed out. When I got in my car to leave, BOOM! My head was not quite right.

Could it be that I was so engrossed in the tasks at hand I didn't feel the pain until I was back in relaxed mode, ready to go home? That happens sometimes, but I don't think that was the case tonight. The last few minutes outside were very relaxed and remarkably non-worky. I just sat talking with one of the moms at the residence and didn't feel I still had to be "on."

What is happening with me these last several weeks? I'm so frustrated!

Here's a sneaking suspicion I have: something's up with my back. My sciatica? I still don't know what that is, exactly, but I know it involves the lower back and can mean a pinched nerve or tendon or muscle that triggers pain in other parts of the body. This is what I think is happening--that'd certainly explain the back pain, neck pain, and leg pain I've been having the last few days. I am waiting on a call back from my massage therapist.

Despite not feeling my best tonight, I decided to be social. Taking a cue from people I know (or whose blogs I read) with New Daily Persistent Headache and/or chronic daily headache, I am trying to still do things I enjoy despite the pain, trying not to shut out the outside world and the things I love in it in favor of lying in bed feeling bad. It worked okay tonight, and I won't be pushing myself to socialize all the times I am not up to par. Tonight I went to my friend C.'s house to eat some hamburgers, chit-chat about my eventual bookstore, and watch the obnoxiously addictive show Top Chef. I left at eleven and decided then to take Maxalt--food and relaxation didn't help curb the attack, so I drugged myself up.

Now I'm in the waiting period, hoping it works, hoping I won't have another headache soon.

Goodnight!

lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy Jane

Usually I use my laptop in the living room, propping it on my lap (sometimes on top of a big pillow) or leaning down low over the coffee table to type. THIS IS NOT GOOD PRACTICE, my friends. My hands ache from not typing the correct way; my back sometimes hurts from sitting in ways that are bad for my posture. (Let's not even talk about my bad posture.)

So, after months of laziness, I made one of my desks a desk again. I write as I look out into my backyard area: I see trees, spring green grass, and even a train going by. It's really charming.

Now I must convince myself to retain this setup and not go back to bad habits.

But first I'd love for a mysterious benefactor to send me a really good desk chair. Ha!

June Migraine & Headache Blog Carnival (I'm moderating) - write write write!

Diana Lee at Somebody Heal Me has granted me the honor of being the June host for her remarkably helpful and informative Migraine & Headache Blog Carnival.

June's theme is "How to Have a Fun, Healthy Vacation in Spite of your Migraines." All entries must get to me by 11:59 PM on Friday, June 6. The carnival will be published Monday, June 9.*

To enter, send me an email with your name, your blog address, and a link to the relevant entry you're submitting. My email address is themigrainegirl@gmail.com

You can also submit to the monthly carnival using this newfangled form. Click on the icon in the upper right-hand corner to enter your information.

Thanks so much! I look forward to reading many inspiring entries!

*Off-topic entries will also be considered, but please do try to write on the subject--this will help many people during summer, when lots of folks travel.

tired of being tired

I'm so tired all the time. I've a sneaking suspicion this has to do with the weather, as pollen has permeated every breath I take for a couple of months now. When I'm not in the Georgia air, I am traveling--and traveling makes me tired, too.

When I first started taking Petadolex and rid myself of Zonegran, I was happily shocked at the energy boost I felt. "Wow," thought I, "turns out it's not normal to want to take a nap ALL THE TIME." I wanted to do things; I cleaned the house without complaint while blasting music or This American Life (my life's blood).

But recently I've become tired again. In the last week, I've attempted to go to bed at the same time each night and rise at the same time each morning. Maybe I'm getting too much sleep at once? (In a week I've not yet avoided my obnoxious pattern of waking up in the 3-5 AM range--grr.) I get up and at 'em and have even been getting exercise recently. Seems like the new me would be ready and rarin' to go.

But no. I just want to close my eyes. Is it working on the computer? Maybe, but not being on the computer doesn't guarantee wakefulness. Instead of my long walks resulting in an energy boost, I want to curl my sweaty self up on the couch and doze off for awhile. Driving makes me tired. Reading makes me tired. Walking makes me tired. Immobility makes me tired.

What to do?

Oh! One more thing. Maybe this nugget is my savior, the piece of the puzzle that will soon right itself and make it so I can live energetically again. I cut out caffeine completely about two weeks ago. I had cut down a lot and was only having caffeinated coffee when headachey or (in one case) slightly hungover. But after one cup I'd switch to decaf (a la my parents).

Now I'm clean, kids. I'M CLEAN! But I'm tired. The boost that caffeine provides is brief, I know, so having a cup of joe is not the solution.

I ingest six BILLION* pills of riboflavin (B2) each day and take my multivitamin in the morning. I have been eating breakfast, including delicious fruit smoothies and chock-full-o-goodness juices and snacks.

What gives? Does anyone see something obvious happening that would explain my sleepiness, my laziness? Am I missing the obvious or am I doomed to a sleepy existence forever!?

* or so it seems

medication overuse headache fear alert!

Today I woke with yet another migraine--perhaps it's the same one I've had since Friday and it keeps coming to the surface whenever I'm not under the influence of various drugs.

Suspecting I'd be outside much of the day in the super-pollinated air, I took an allergy pill--this sometimes helps stave off the Migraine attack. This time around it didn't help. I was tired, had that same pain in my lower back that's been haunting me for days, and had to give in and take a Maxalt when the headache kicked in in earnest in the afternoon. Wah!

Now I'm scared. What happens if I get another migraine tomorrow? I've taken the maximum amount of Maxalt I can take--three days' worth. A fourth day is a no-no because of the risk of medication overuse headache. And tomorrow and Tuesday are my last days of my tutoring job, so I can't skip out!

Here's to hoping today was the last day for a migraine this week.

things have gone awry!

Shortly after posting earlier about what a great day I was having, a Migraine rapidly approached. To top it off, I had strange lower back pain and felt really bad, really fast.

Because of the muscle aches, I decided to go the Lortab + muscle relaxer route. It worked, but now I feel unpleasantly out of it and sad about the direction in which my day turned--before I got to my "should" list. I did go to the new Athens Farmers Market with my friend C., and I got that yard work done.

The last few times I've felt great, I've neglected to see that as a harbinger of a Migraine attack to come. As noted, I have the common prodrome side effect of "a sense of euphoria" before the headache begins. I wish I could just have euphoric feelings without the episode to follow.

I feel as if I'm making little sense; my fingers are typing more slowly than usual. Good ol' painkillers. You make me weak!

Thanks to Heather for the sweet thoughts--earlier this afternoon, she commented on how happy she was I was having a good day.

an atypical Saturday

I woke up at 8:30 this morning after seven hours of sleep. Last night I did some bookstore business duties with Amy, and by midnight we both had sleepy eyes that were crossing as we looked at our computer screens. A sign of a successful day?

It was so nice to go to bed exhausted from something other than a Migraine attack. Granted, I had to take two Maxalts yesterday to battle an obnoxious headache with uncomfortable side effects of dizziness. The Maxalt wasn't a lifesaver as usual but did take the edge off. I'm straying from my point: I got to work until I was tired! I didn't go to bed because it was time or because I felt sick. In the last month or so, this has only been the case about 1/3 of the time, so it's cause for comment.

When I awoke, my friend A. was still here. We talked a few minutes before she had to hit the road. I then had the energy to sweep the pollen-covered walkway and porch, trim back some trees that constantly encroach on my walk, and do a little bit of light housework. This is not like me, I tell you. The fun only ended after I swept part of an ant pile and then, by accident, ran the broom over my toes (which were bare in flip flops). The displaced ants sprinkled my toes, a fact I was only aware of once my right foot got intensely itchy.

It's a beautiful day outside. Not a cloud in the sky, I tell you, and the temperature is just right. (With Georgia weather, this could change any second--I'm sure by the afternoon I'll think it's sweltering. But I love it.)

Hope everyone else has a day as good as this morning has been!

Janet'http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs WEGO Health spotlight

I was interviewed for WEGO Health's spotlight feature!

Check it out here.

May Migraine & Headache Blog Carnival posted!

Check out this month's Migraine & headache blog carnival. Here's the link. This month's theme is "Migraines & Exercise: How do You Stay Active?"

a package only a migraineur could love

Let us once again herald the glories of The Partnership for Prescription Assistance and the goods it has brought unto me!

Just yesterday afternoon I received a package simply brimming with Maxalt. 36 pills, in fact! These babies usually cost a little over $20 a PIECE, marking the value of my mail at over $700.

And how much did I pay for 'em? NOTHING.

Yippee. If you haven't already, check out the website to see if you are eligible--even if you don't feel as monetarily poor as I do and even if you already have insurance, there may still be plans that can help.

URGENT: a petition

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/migrainesCFLbulbs/?e

You can read the petition before you sign, of course. I have to run--just got back from 5 days out of town and am feverishly catching up on home life. But please, please be sure to give this petition a look, and sign it if you feel the urge. (Oh, I do so hope you feel the urge.)

trying not to care so much

Jenni over at ChronicBabe.com wrote a post recently that really hit home, so much so my eyes teared up in empathy several times.

I thought I'd share it here.

a new coffee shop experience

I'm at my favorite local coffee joint, Jittery Joe's (which is now opening franchises around, though the Five Points location in Athens shall never be beat!). Back when I used to visit Athens to see my sister or my friends, I'd come here. Once I moved here in 2004, I took up residence here a few nights a week to do research, to work on grad school papers, and to socialize.

Things are different now. I finished grad school two years ago and hardly visit cafes nowadays. I brought a bunch of books and references for the article I should* have done already, but instead I'm sitting here thinking of how things have changed.

1. I ordered a decaf coffee and didn't put any sugar in it. This is the new Janet who's trying to only have caffeine when she needs to kick a faint Migraine out of the picture.

2. I am google searching for information on Migraine and drug side effects instead of trying to surreptitiously visit social networking sites to waste time.

3. My forearms and hands feel numb from the Imitrex I had to take a couple of hours ago before my evening job began. I can't type as accurately or as quickly when my fingers feel drugged.

4. I'm afraid I don't have the concentration and procrastination-fueled fervor that once accompanied coffee shop trips and waiting 'til the last minute.

5. I'm stealing glances at the girls who are working behind the espresso machine. One has hair down past her butt. It's beautiful and shiny and it's a difficult hairdo to pull off, but she does it! I know I could never have this hair, as it would weigh on my head. The other girl has her blond hair in a high ponytail--this style, which took me quite a while to master when I was young, is now not in the realm of possibilities for me, as after ten minutes the scalp and head pain would drive me crazy. Even releasing my hair from such a constraining hairdo leads to aches when my hair suddenly bends in a different direction. This all leaves me wondering what I'll do when I have to put my hair up in an up 'do for my friend's wedding Saturday. Aah!


*A great post I read somewhere recently discussed the need to have fewer (if any) shoulds in your life. "Oh, I should be working. I should call my cousin. I should do the dishes." These seemingly obligatory duties weigh on us more and more when what we could be doing is focusing on what we have been able to do and what we have accomplished. The original piece I read was more eloquent, but I can't find it!

money money money

I never, ever wanted to put ads on my blog or anything else (my clothes, my house, etc.) that I love. However, it has recently come to my attention that putting ads on this blog could generate some revenue, however measly, for me. And as I'm about to be "between jobs," as the vaguely defined phrase goes, I could use some dough for living expenses.

I want to wait and make sure this won't turn anyone away. I want to know if you'll still click on my posts--if not, screw the advertisements! I love the feeling of community and reassurance I get by writing this and don't want to lose any of my virtual support group.

What are your thoughts on this? If you yourself have a blog, I ask you this: do you have targeted ads posted? Is it worth it?

Thanks.