my therapeutic yoga class

Okay, jury's in: I love my therapeutic yoga class. I was really overwhelmed after my first session--everyone in the class is amazing in his or her own way, and everyone has at least one (at least!) major health obstacle she's trying to cope with. All those fears about not being flexible enough, about not being able to keep up, about not doing things "correctly," have flown out the window. Slowly but surely I'm taking to heart my experienced yoga teacher's words: if your movements are painful, you're not doing yoga. Everyone's body is completely different from the next, so one person's ability to move in a certain way should not be judged against the next person's. In doing some arm exercises, I pushed myself to keep my arms high despite their beginning to get tingly and painful. After the class, I mentioned the discomfort to my teacher, who told me to lower my arms significantly--if that didn't work, we'd figure out another modification that would perhaps allow me to do this exercise.

Each class is two hours long but is not rigorous or stressful in the least. We move slowly and mindfully, paying attention to our breathing and always taking note of how our movements make our bodies feel. (I speak as if I'm a self-proclaimed guru at this point--this is far from the case, but speaking confidently about the practice sure can't hurt!) It's hard for me to slow my mind down, to not pay attention to the racing thoughts that flit across my brain like so many little birds.

There are two other severe chronic migraineurs in the class, and I completely misjudged how wonderful it'd be to talk with them in person. I've gained so much through web-based relationships on this blog (and in using other health websites), but to see someone's face as she describes her life with migraine is such a different experience. One woman's headaches were daily and severe. She, like me, made TONS of lifestyle changes all at once. She continually reassures me and encourages me, telling me how happy she feels that I have already begun to find hopefulness where before there was despair. This is a person who has been coming to this particular therapeutic yoga class for seven years, a chronic daily migraineur. Guess when her last migraine attack was? Over six years ago. Can you imagine that? I'm beginning to allow myself to imagine that. I'm not planning on it, mind you, but I am allowing myself to believe at last that this is possible, that after all this searching and medication and vitamins and doctor's visits there could be something that has a drastically wonderful effect on my life.

It's not easy to change everything at once. This evening my friend told me how she was about to order a greasy, delightfully cheesy Papa John's pizza. As soon as I was alone again, I thought about that pizza. Thought about dipping it in those notoriously fatty cups of garlic sauce and how wonderful it tastes.

And then I got home and heated up rice, broccoli, and onions for dinner. I feel satiated and healthy. No cheese-induced tummyache for me. But man--I do love pizza.

People, I want you to allow yourselves to be hopeful. I want you to imagine that it will be possible to live your lives without fear of a migraine coming on at the slightest provocation. For too long I have treated myself too gingerly--much of that was necessary and safe, I know, but it kept me from living my life well. KEEPS me from living my life well. (There goes Guru Jan again, acting as if she's got it all figure out, when really I'm play-acting here and there, only partly able to fully believe how healthy I am becoming.) It's so hard for me to imagine that any of these changes I've made could NOT help most of you. This from the girl who gets really frustrated when people, out of the goodness of their hearts, push so-called miracle drugs onto her--if Topamax works for so many, it MUST work for you, Janet! You're probably just not taking it right!

I fear becoming the person who pushes her ways onto you. At the same time, I can't resist trying to engage some of you in this discussion, to encourage some of you to incorporate healthier habits in an attempt to curb the number and severity of your attacks. Please let me know if I'm annoying you. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more. Please let me know if I should abandon this blog all together before driving you all crazy!! :)

could it really be that simple?

Were it not for overindulging on New Year's Eve (um, oops), I would probably still be having a migraine-free 2009. On the evening of the 31st, it'd been nine days since my last attack. As of 8 AM on the 1st, however, I was back at square one. That time I knew precisely who was the culprit: me and my re-found affection for white wine. Yes, it's true--I'm drinking that delicious nectar again, but with at LEAST 16 oz. of water with every glass of wine. Worked out well for me 'til NYE when I made the mistake of having a nightcap. Turns out wine is a bit more alcoholic than what I'm used to drinking.

But that's somewhat besides the point.

For the first time, I really, truly believe that I can get this disease under control. I'm following my doctor's orders, yes, but I'm not doing too much that's out of the ordinary. In general, I'm doing things I've always known to be good for me, things that I've let slip out of my life for one reason or another. As I've mentioned here before, the regular exercise has already proven to be quite the boon. It was nice to be validated by my new doctor, told that even long walks would give me a boost in serotonin. I don't need to swim at sprint-speed for an hour or even turn my walk into a run--I can just walk briskly five times a week and reap the benefits of exercise. It took some effort to let go of the notion that an "in shape" person should be able to jog or swim laps for much longer than I can without getting winded. Truth is, I'm not in the best shape. Another truth is that my body doesn't like it too much when I overexert myself (migraine trigger alert!), so why not take it easy and work my way up to some gentle exercise that fits the bill and makes me feel better?

A few days ago, I walked by the Habitat for Humanity parking lot on a walk. "Girl, you need to be runnin'!" a worker loading boxes called out to me. I do believe that a few months (or even years) ago I would have felt a bit bad after hearing this, simply knowing that I SHOULD be able to run and jump and do the activities a healthier person can. But this day was different. "Nah, I'm more of a walker," I called back, to which the man responded with a smile: "All right, all right!" I could have cited the arthritis in my knees, my bouts with sciatica, and my tendency to develop a migraine when I overexert myself. But I didn't. I just admitted that I'm more of a walker and kept on going. And you know what? I wasn't hard on myself afterward. I didn't spend too much time harping on the differences between my super-in-shape self of the early 90s (when I was a pre-teen, mind you!) and the 28-year-old I am today. I just kept going, and I felt great. There is a joy in being able to move and exercise without pain; you don't need to overdo it in order to feel accomplished. If there's one thing I've learned in these 2+ months of exercising healthily, it's that it's important to do what's right for you and not judge yourself by the standards set forth by fitness experts and marathon runners. Just do what you can. I do, and I hope to continue doing this.

Most of the other recommendations from the doctor were pretty simple, too. Eat well, treat my body well, and the like. J., my beau, pointed out the fact that many of the doctor's tips were tips he'd recommended for us long ago. Eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. Try to cut out dairy. J. hadn't called the "weed out white and enriched flour" bit, but that wasn't surprising. White and enriched flour is rougher on your system if you're sensitive like me and have IBS.

I keep reflecting on my wonderful visit and wishing more people could meet with this same doctor and have success. Were I you, I'd be skeptical. All the same, I'm putting it out there: I'm convinced that this person could help many of the people reading this. No, I'm not going to post his name and information (though if you are convinced by my admiration you can email me for details). He diagnosed me with several diseases/disorders I'd long since guessed I'd had, but didn't diagnose in a way I perceived as threatening or upsetting. He just verified my suspicions: I have mild depression, chronic fatigue (but not necessarily chronic fatigue syndrome, mind you), arthritis, allodynia (which I suspected I had on my scalp but had no idea was related to the bruised feeling I often have on my arms, legs, and torso!), Migraine disease (duh), irritable bowl syndrome (IBS), hypersensitivity, and mucositis (inflammation of the mucus membranes--mine is chronic but should be helped with my new regimen). I felt vindicated and relieved--all of these seemingly disparate symptoms I've been suffering from for a long time were all named, and all of them were related to my naturally low serotonin levels. The doctor is convinced that regulating my serotonin levels will allow me to live a happier, more productive, and less painful life. He pointed out how much better I'd been feeling since I started exercising and said that the exercise, combined with a diet that's easier on my system and some other exercise and relaxation techniques, I could cut out the majority of my migraines.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Every day I make a smoothie chock full of good things for me--blueberries, pomegranate juice, tea, oatmeal soaked in rice milk, flaxseed, and some supplements. Each morning and night I take supplements/vitamins, a few of which I've been taking for a couple of years now. Five days a week I'm to engage in "gentle exercise" for 30-60 minutes, depending on how long it takes for me to reach the peak when I have the endorphin rush. I've been exercising 45-70 minutes when I go out and walk. Tomorrow I'll call and sign myself up for therapeutic yoga class (which I convinced Handicapped Twin to go to, too!); soon I'll buy a book on mindful meditation (the main form of meditation that has lots of good research behind it, hence the hospital being able to endorse it). The more I do for myself, the better and more hopeful I feel. I've already begun returning more to what I consider my "real" self--making calls to distant loved ones with more frequency, writing letters again (something I was once famous for but sort of dropped in recent times), and persuing creative activity. Hell, I even enrolled in the Sketchbook Project and am trying my hand at drawing, something I never thought I'd do.

I'm happy. I really hope you are, too. I hate the fact that I might sound as if I'm proselytizing, but it's hard to hold back when you've been hopeless for so long and suddenly see concrete evidence that your life is changing for the better. I dare any of you who've made it through this entire blog entry to start exercising a few days a week to the best of your ability and see if you don't feel better. I dare you!

Happy 2009. Love love love.

Out of commission

I'm on day three of a Migraine attack. It flirted around a bit on Wednesday morning and decided to move in a little after noon that day. I expected a migraine the day after election day--the deflation of all that pent-up stress and worry, the sudden rush of relief, and the election-themed shots at the bar that were such a good idea at the time.

What I didn't expect was to continue feeling this way. I've been out of commission for days now! Last week it was a cold and slight fever--this week it's migraine with slight fever. My Maxalt kicked in yesterday afternoon (day 2 of migraine) right before I went to babysit. After babysitting, I had plans to drive up to Greenville to see some friends play music, and I was pleased to still feel happy and excited about this. The Maxalt had finally kicked my migraine's butt. On the way home from the show, the left side of my face started to feel pinched and a bit numb; my vision dulled a bit. The migraine was coming back.

I woke up today with a very heavy head. Tried to rest, eat a healthy breakfast, and have plenty of liquids along with my daily herbal meds. I'd taken my triptan two days in a row (twice on Wednesday; once on Thursday), so that plan was out. Perhaps some no-impact exercise would help and would me to avoid having to take my rescue meds! I headed to the YMCA and swam laps for awhile. The water felt great, and moving around in the water distracted me from the pain a bit. Unfortunately, the visit was not an entire success: the goggles were painful to wear around my seemingly swollen head, and the water pressure wasn't doing my sinuses any favors. Afterward, my ears were killing me--I've always been sensitive to water pressure, but in recent years I've gotten earaches after swimming even if I've not gone too deep. After my YMCA adventure, I was definitely worse for the wear.

I drove home with blurry eyes and took some Lortab after all. Now I feel unpleasantly loopy, tired, and out of it. Have a big translation assignment due tomorrow that I put off at first because of my mom's visit (and the election excitement); now I'm putting it off because I am in such discomfort. I hate feeling like a slacker despite my knowing that I'm physically and mentally unable to do my best (and speediest) work right now. Still I feel bad.

yoga at last!

Today, after my eye exam, I went to the closest of my neighborhood yoga studios and took a free (donations-based) yoga class! Titled "Gentle Yoga," today's class was just that. It lasted about an hour and did not involve any hard-core stretches; the teacher repeatedly told us that one of the focuses of her gentle yoga class was to get a feel for how your body reacts to different stretches, how it feels to breathe in different positions, and how to balance your body better. I had a good time, and (dare I say it?) for a minute there I actually felt like I was doing some good. And by that I mean I think I am going to be sore tomorrow.

As a girl who used to be in excellent physical shape, it's sometimes hard for me to hold back a little when I get active again. I must remind myself that I am no longer capable of the exertion and exercise that were once easily within my power, that I must work up to the point where I can be a super-duper exercise woman. Oftentimes, I am fed up with my inability to perform as well as I did at age twelve and give up. I don't want that to happen this time.

Speaking of overdoing it because I was convinced my body still held its youthful pre-teen powers.... Once I took a kickboxing class with my AmeriCorps friends in Florida. I was all over this class, pumping my fists in the air, kicking my legs high, and doing ceaseless lunges while pretending not to be winded. That night and the next day, my comrades were wiped out and sore, while I felt great.

And then came the day AFTER that. And the several days that followed that one. I was sore, sore, sore, and the soreness in my body helped trigger a lovely little spell of Migraines. I had ignored the teacher's warning to take it easy if we'd never had a kickboxing class before, that it was okay to hold back now and again rather than overdoing it. Oops.

Today in the yoga class I was tempted to stretch more than my body was willing to--I wanted to show those people that I had innate yogic ability! I could suddenly be flexible in my legs even though I have NEVER been able touch my toes. But then common sense whispered in one ear while the teacher spoke in the other: listen to your body. Be mindful of how different movements feel, and don't do certain positions if something feels wrong.

So then I chilled out and enjoyed myself more. My favorite part was the last five minutes of relaxation with a lavender-infused eye mask, though. Maybe in a few months' time I'll say that the hardcore stretches are my favorite, but for now I liked the lie-down-and-rest-while-breathing.

a new (to me) resource: an oldie but goodie

As you may know, plans are in the works for me to open up my own indie bookstore some time next year. This is a frightening prospect but--for the most part--gives me a sense of excitement and purpose unlike anything I've felt in the last few years, at least as far as work goes. Yeehaw!

Part of my self-assigned duties involves my going to established independent bookstores and taking a look around; if a manager or owner is on duty, I introduce myself and have a little chat. It's been fun as the information people are willing to provide me is, in short, priceless.

While in Pittsburgh in July, my dad led me to a cozy, well-staffed radical bookstore in Bloomfield where I browsed the aisles in the hopes of finding something inexpensive and interesting to buy. (Even the smallest purchase helps the independent bookstores of the world, so consider shopping at these places if you want to keep .... okay. I'll get down from the soapbox. You can guess how I feel about this.) I purchased Illness as Metaphor by Susan Sontag, a piece I read--at least in part--in college. I also discovered a little book called Headache Survival while browsing the health section; it was only a few bucks and I made the investment.

Let me just tell you how much I already love this book. The author, Ivker, has been at the helm for a few books of this type (another one in his collection is Arthritis Survival; still another talks about sinusitis), which initially made me skeptical. I started reading the book a few weeks after buying it and am consistently surprised at how UN-annoyed I am with his tone. Many books that proclaim themselves to be potential cures for Migraine & other headache take this obnoxious tone, a sort of holier-than-thou feel that patronizes the reader and often makes him/her feel as if he/she would be just plain stupid to ignore the author's advice. This book does not fit in that category. Ivker is personable, friendly, and seems to genuinely want to help. He assures us that there is probably a way out there to make headaches better, but that no one method works for everyone and that it's extraordinarily difficult to figure out what pattern of treatment works for you. Unlike some who believe in so-called "alternative medicine," Ivker does not eschew the possibility that pharmaceutical treatments can help Migraine. In fact, he wants you to keep your traditional doctor informed all the way and include your prescription drugs as part of the treatment plan if they help you.

I haven't finished the book yet--I may never complete it, as in order to do what he recommends I'll need to use it as resource for many years to come. But I am enjoying reading it. For the first time in years, I feel a sense of optimism as I'm reading about recommended diets, treatments, exercises, etc. that have been known to help other migraineurs. Of course I carry along that die-hard Geddis skepticism, but that is tempered with a not so small part of me that thinks there's weight to what is being said, that I could be on the brink of major improvement.

I'll keep you posted.

Migraine & travel

Tomorrow morning--ahem, THIS morning--I'll leave my house early to drive to the airport in rush hour traffic. My mom and I are flying to Virginia together to spend some time with my aunt and my cousins; it should be nice.

Despite my intense, feverish addiction to travel, I often dread the first day of it. Getting up on time, worrying that I have neglected to pack something, not sure if I'll make it to the airport in time, sitting under fluorescent lights in the gate area, the air pressure shifts in the plane, etc., etc.--all of these factors combine and, more often than not, result in a Migraine attack.

For this trip, I didn't follow step one of my own advice, but I think I'm doing well with the rest of it.

Tips for traveling migraineurs:

1. Get organized a couple of days before you go. This way, you'll feel less stressed regarding the packing process and will remember to add forgotten items, as you'll have more time to realize you've not packed them. For me, counting out all the pills and vitamins I'll need during the trip (adding on an extra day's worth for good measure!) is the first step I take. Too often I've been on vacation and reached for the medicine bottle only to remember it's still in my cabinet hundreds of miles away!

2. For people like me who know fluorescent lighting is a trigger: If you're staying in a hotel or with friends/family, ask your host about the lighting situation. Will there be fluorescent lights at the hotel? Request incandescent bulbs IN ADVANCE or else your home away from home won't be as comforting and healthy as you'd like. Will there be fluorescents at your friend's or family's house? Ask them if they could pick up a few incandescents on their next shopping trip--you'll pick up the tab. And remember: always have your eyewear to protect yourself from unavoidable lighting!

For those of you with phonophobia and/or trouble sleeping: bring earplugs! You never know what will be happening around you, and missing out on good sleep will drive any person crazy--and it will make it more likely you have a migraine episode.

3. Have all your medication packed in your CARRY-ON bag. In the rare chance your luggage is lost or delayed, you can't afford to screw up your schedule, especially since your normal life routine has been shifted around for the day.

4. Have abortive meds nearby--in your pocket or in an easily accessible part of your carry-on bag. No worrying that you have to wake up the snoring man next to you in order to get your meds from the overhead bin--just keep them very close! Even if you don't have an episode, you'll be comforted by the proximity of your salvation.

5. Tell yourself (and your traveling companions, if applicable) you have Migraine disease, and tell them when you're nearing your limit or when you won't be able to participate. Don't eat foods that are on your list of triggers just because a very charming hostess has offered them up to you. Don't go to the amusement park if a long, hot day in the sun will make you sick. Be honest with yourself so you can best enjoy your free time, and don't try to pack in too many things without scheduling in some down time.

6. Carry some granola bars or other healthy snack with you to combat low blood sugar. Most of us know by now that skipping meals is a sure-fire migraine trigger for most. Keeping a snack or three in your purse or carry-on bag could very well save you from having a Migraine attack when you're rushing to and fro and have no time to get a meal.

I'm sure I could ramble on, but I'll leave it at that. I was going to write another post for this here Migraine Blog Carnival, but since I'm leaving in a few hours' time, I have travel on my mind.

Speaking of that, I need to take my own advice and remind myself that it's time for bed. ;)

good morning, migraine girl

Just another morning here. Omega-3 (fish oil), 4 B2 pills,

500mg of magnesium, a multivitamin, and a sinus pill + Naproxen to
combat the weather (those last two are rare bonuses!).

a note to those who are considering Zonegran

I was just on MyMigraineConnection.com, perusing articles and looking up information on Zonegran withdrawal symptoms. To my chagrin, there's a general lack of specificity when it comes to lists of withdrawal symptoms. As the drug is prescribed off-label for Migraines (it's an epilepsy treatment), the medical websites all tend to point out that one should exercise caution while weaning off Zonegran due to increased risk of seizure and "other side effects--talk to your doctor."

So far my withdrawal process has been a lot easier than I'd expected. I'm halfway through and am sure my happiness with daily life has a great deal to do with my increased energy (a combination of getting off the energy-zapping Zonegran and getting all that B2 in my vitamins and my Petadolex, as I have mentioned before). Today I really took a turn for the worse, however, and hope hope hope it was just for one day.

Last night I went downtown with friends for a low-key night of chatting and carousing. Around 9:30 I decided to walk home, feeling a headache coming on. It was such a low-grade pain that I figured getting into bed early with a book and some chamomile tea would heal me right up. Boy, was I wrong. A raging Migraine headache took over within an hour of my arrival home. My stomach felt swirly but I was too nauseated to fetch a wastebasket to use as my emergency receptacle should I become sick to my stomach. (Luckily I didn't end up needing this option in the first place.)

This morning I woke up in a foul mood. A gray mood. A gray mood with fiery, jagged edges that caused me to lash out at everything from my boyfriend (who was suffering from a Migraine himself) to the dishes in the sink to the broom to my neglected plants. I. WAS. EXTRAORDINARILY. ANGRY. AND. BITTER. For no known reason. The closest I've come to such unreasonable anger would be in times of PMS, but I just finished my period, and this mood was far more sour and impossible to climb out of than any routine PMS funk.

What was I going through today? I see that agitation and irritability are side effects of Zonegran withdrawal; they can also accompany some people's postdrome stage, though feeling anger at this stage is infrequent for me.

In my rather fruitless search for Zonegran withdrawal symptoms, I did find a few pages on MyMigraineConnection.com on which people solicited the advice of others who may've tried Zonegran--what's our opinion of the drug as a Migraine treatment?

Here's my response. For those of you who read my blog frequently, you'll see nothing new. But it felt good to put it on paper--er, screen.

I have been on Zonegran for 22 months. The frequency, severity, and duration of my Migraine attacks decreased overall, but I still had super-duper Migraine months (especially during hot Augusts or stressful holiday times, for example) and was relying on my acute medication, Relpax, just as much as ever.

For me, the side effects of Zonegran far outweighed the positive. My doctor mentioned the possibility of some side effects, but both he and the drug literature mentioned that the effects would probably go away within 4-6 weeks. This was not the case for me. I lost a LOT of weight and the more bothersome side effects--memory loss, difficulty word-finding, near-constant fatigue, and simply a general feeling of dumbness!--were harder to pin down and took longer to emerge. I thought I was going nuts until I found a whole community of people out there who'd had the same things going on in their brains.

I'm now going through the withdrawal process and will be off Zonegran in three weeks. Petadolex is my new herbal drug of choice, and thus far it's working well!