an out of the blue attack

Usually I can feel the discomfort in my head building as the minutes pass. I have time to decide whether or not to take anything for the attack.

Tonight I was having a perfectly nice evening outdoors, working my job as a storyteller (glorified name for a book reader and literacy advocate) at an area homeless shelter. I got up, put my book bag and blanket in the car, and signed out. When I got in my car to leave, BOOM! My head was not quite right.

Could it be that I was so engrossed in the tasks at hand I didn't feel the pain until I was back in relaxed mode, ready to go home? That happens sometimes, but I don't think that was the case tonight. The last few minutes outside were very relaxed and remarkably non-worky. I just sat talking with one of the moms at the residence and didn't feel I still had to be "on."

What is happening with me these last several weeks? I'm so frustrated!

Here's a sneaking suspicion I have: something's up with my back. My sciatica? I still don't know what that is, exactly, but I know it involves the lower back and can mean a pinched nerve or tendon or muscle that triggers pain in other parts of the body. This is what I think is happening--that'd certainly explain the back pain, neck pain, and leg pain I've been having the last few days. I am waiting on a call back from my massage therapist.

Despite not feeling my best tonight, I decided to be social. Taking a cue from people I know (or whose blogs I read) with New Daily Persistent Headache and/or chronic daily headache, I am trying to still do things I enjoy despite the pain, trying not to shut out the outside world and the things I love in it in favor of lying in bed feeling bad. It worked okay tonight, and I won't be pushing myself to socialize all the times I am not up to par. Tonight I went to my friend C.'s house to eat some hamburgers, chit-chat about my eventual bookstore, and watch the obnoxiously addictive show Top Chef. I left at eleven and decided then to take Maxalt--food and relaxation didn't help curb the attack, so I drugged myself up.

Now I'm in the waiting period, hoping it works, hoping I won't have another headache soon.

Goodnight!

a pain in the neck

My neck has been killing me for the last two days--for the several days before that, it was just really stiff and moderately sore. OOWWWWW! My jaw's been driving me crazy again, too, and my back feels strained. Wah, wah, wah.

I'm wondering if the massage I had two weeks ago screwed it up somehow, though usually massage helps. Has anyone had the experience of having a massage hurt more than it helps? I can't get comfortable at night because, no matter where I put my head on the pillow, my neck aches and throbs.

Boo hoo.

Is it working?

When my loving, good-natured friends and family ask me about my healthcare regimen, I try to remain energetic as I list the things I ingest each day, the activities I try to do to keep the Migraine attacks at bay.

I take 400 mg of Vitamin B2 each day--that's about 23,000 times the recommended daily allowance. Ha! I read a study online linking that daily intake over a long period of time to an overall decrease in Migraine frequency. I started taking the vitamins each day not because of this googled study but because of my neurologist's very strong suggestion--the search is what came after his suggestion.

Along with the B2 is a capsule of Magnesium. 500mg of it, to be exact.

Added to that daily list of fun things to swallow?

• 300 mg of Zonegran/Zonisamide (which is now finally generic, I suppose, for the price went down from $100 for a month's supply to about $40 at my local grocery store pharmacy)
• Omega-3 (fish oil)
• 20 mg Amitriptyline (Elavil), which I was on long ago, got off, and just recently re-started

I go to my massage therapist/cranial sacral therapist whenever I can afford it. Unfortunately, this hasn't been too frequent of late. For my last few appointments, she hasn't done much cranial sacral therapy because my visits have been right after a Migraine headache and she is unwilling to manipulate my cranium at all and possibly trigger another attack. (Thank you, wonderful woman.)

Of course exercise is always recommended, as long as I don't overexert or overheat myself and get a Migraine that way. I definitely don't get as much exercise as I should; this I know.

Minimizing exposure to triggers is something I've gotten quite deft at; managing stress is another lifelong issue I'll never master, but I am coping pretty well (for me).

So back to the subject of this entry. Back to the question that I am always faced with as soon as I tell my friends and family about my lifestyle changes, my new (or old) medications, that new trick I read about in a medical journal:

"So, is it working?"

I feel like I don't know what it is that's doing the trick--or not doing the trick--anymore. I have a so many elements in my life, so many chemicals running through my system. How am I to tell which one is the one that's working? Is it their complicated, complex relationship with one another that does the trick, at least most of the time? If I removed just one of the pills each day, would the whole system come grinding to a halt and leave me in pain, or would I feel even better than I do now?

I am not in a well-controlled scientific study. I cannot aptly determine which medication is the one that's working best for me. Part of me thinks that my body has gotten a bit better on its own over the years and that I could cut out all this expensive treatment and get just as many awful Migraines as I do now--and have just as many gloriously pain-free days as I do now.

But most of me is pretty sure the medication's helping. That I need the neurologist's words, reassurance, and comfort. That this disease is certainly way bigger than I and that I may never know what it is, exactly that's working--or how well it's working at all.

So my answer to family and friends remains the same. I don't know. I just don't know.
Were this a personal essay, one with sparks of humor and hints of charming self-deprecation, my answer would provide you with an amazing conclusion that would make sense of it all.

But it's just not the case here. I just don't know what's helping, and I'm too scared to take something away to find out if it hurts.