It's probably the changing of the seasons. At least that's what I'll blame for my increased jaw pain (I didn't think the constant ache could get any worse!) and general fogginess/slight pain in my head that hasn't left me alone for days.
Through my regular job, I found out about another opportunity that would get me out of the house on Friday mornings. Wanting to have a tangible reason not to sleep the morning away my only day off (excluding weekends), I thought I would take it. Delivering food to kids whose families perhaps can't afford to feed them over the weekend is an uncomplicated job. I see lots of people at several schools around the county and have a couple of hours of driving, listening to music. It's pretty pleasant, overall--and a really sweet deal. I do have to do lots of lifting and carrying of boxes, though, and that's what I just wasn't up for this morning. I woke around 8 and couldn't rid myself of the feeling of dread. I don't feel horrible at the moment, but I am fairly certain that hours of picking up and carrying boxes will mean a guaranteed, full-blown headache instead of this fuzzy pain I feel in my jaw, cheekbones, and eyes. Can't risk getting a major attack--had to cancel work.
I feel like I'm pretending, like I'm that kid on the playground who can't keep up with the rest of them so fakes a quick injury to solicit pity and have an excuse to give up. Logically, I know this is not who I am. But I feel not only guilty but lazy, unmotivated, etc. A few days ago I wrote about coping with guilt when I have to bail. I really need to get better at feeling at peace with my choice to say "No, I can't make it."
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5 comments:
it's a hard thing to deal with. i'm convinced that whenever i call in sick or am late b/c of a migraine, my coworkers think i'm faking it.
a few weeks ago i had to take a friday off b/c i had to go have treatment in the hospital for a migraine that kept getting worse and worse over more than three days, and i never even received a response from my boss. i emailed him to let him know i was out b/c i was in the hospital and there was no "feel better" response or anything. never any acknowledgement of my "day off".
perhaps i'm paranoid, but then again, maybe not.
Trust yourself, girl. That's all we can do. You do know what your body and noggin need!
- Megan
I think your migraine experiences and mine are very similar. For me the area of my head where I get migraines is like a constant sensor of hundreds of things....if there is too much stress in a conversation, too much heat in a room, fluorescent lights, too much expectation on me etc...the area tightens and then the vessels dilate..I can feel it happen so many times. It often doesn't turn into a migraine, but most days it seems to have one point or another.
The misunderstanding of friends and family has been hard. It gets on their nerves I think. So often I've wished I had a severe external injury, or that I turned green when I was in pain. As if I would choose to miss out on so much life if I didn't have this reason.
In grade eight, a doctor wrote a note for my PE teacher to withdraw me from sports - because we played outside, staring into the sun to catch balls...and the strain of the activities would give me migraines.
During college, I have had doctors write letters to the disabilities offices to legitimize my health issue, and that has allowed for some room...when I lose a week or two and can't finish papers on time etc.
Sad how official paperwork is so important - I'm grieving for the missing years of my life - isn't that obvious?
- Bonnie (aidansoul)
My migraines in the last five weeks have gotten worse, and we can't quite figure out why. Everything triggers me. I finally had a brain MRI on Thursday to see if there is something else going.
Rachel, when I was working regularly, people often couldn't believe I was as sick as I was. I have fibromyalgia, migraines and bipolar disorder. Having a good day can be difficult. And when I landed in the hospital for an acute manic episode, the only message I got was "We need your paperwork, and a return date as soon as possible." It's so frustrating.
I have a part-time job now, and I LOVE it, but the migraines make it difficult to enjoy it. And I'm the only one in the office when I work, so if I'm not there it's a huge hassle for the doctor. And then I feel guilty. Then the pain gets worse... and it just goes on.
Sorry this was so long, but it really is so great to find a place where people understand!
I'm going through the same thing. I tend to be a quiet person at work, and I'm sure a lot of my co-workers think I'm faking my migraines, too.
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