bad days, good days

The past week has been a mixture of amazing fun and terrible bedridden-ness. I had several days affected by migraine but got by okay with my triptans. Disturbingly, the drugs worked okay only half the time--they limited the pain but didn't erase it all (or the other side effects). That was frustrating, but at least post-triptans I could function okay.

Thursday I missed a bonfire party at a friend's house. I'd been looking forward to this. Friday I babysat and felt really good during the day, playing like crazy with the kids in the 70-something degree weather. Friday night was crappy, but I had an okay time lying low and watching The Wire. (Not uplifting, exactly, but so very well-done!) Saturday I woke up extra-migrainey but the drugs worked okay by the afternoon. I spent many an hour with my honey bunny and had a lovely evening. The migraine started to creep back in the evening but I ignored it. Mistake? Perhaps.

Sunday.
was.
terrible.

I got out of bed to pee a couple of times--other than that, J. waited on me hand and foot. Around ten p.m. I was okay enough to take a shower, but I had to sit down in the water stream and rest halfway through. When the shower was over and I was dry and p.j.ed, I felt as if I'd spent three hours working out. Wah.

Many of you don't know this, but I LOVE MARY TYLER MOORE. I love her. LOVE HER. This love is deeply connected to my love for The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and I've had the pleasure of seeing a couple MTM Show stars in real life. (That was thrilling.) Months ago, one of my friends told me that Ed Asner ("Lou Grant") would be in Athens on February 15 to perform in a play for Darwin Day. She scored us free tickets (yess) and the countdown began.

That show was Sunday, 2/15. I couldn't go. Not even triptans could help save me: I'd taken my allotment for the week. I was too busy being in pain despite the Lortab, lying in bed hoping to throw up to ease some of the discomfort. (I've known many migraineurs who feel this way--once you get to feeling bad enough, you know that getting sick to your stomach will bring you some relief.) I missed Lou Grant! I also missed a Sunday night party I'd been looking forward to. Wah. Poor me.

It was the worst day I'd had in a long time. I'm hoping that its being out of the way (along with my period, which I'm joyed to wave goodbye to for a few weeks) will give me another few weeks of success. Fingers crossed.

my therapeutic yoga class

Okay, jury's in: I love my therapeutic yoga class. I was really overwhelmed after my first session--everyone in the class is amazing in his or her own way, and everyone has at least one (at least!) major health obstacle she's trying to cope with. All those fears about not being flexible enough, about not being able to keep up, about not doing things "correctly," have flown out the window. Slowly but surely I'm taking to heart my experienced yoga teacher's words: if your movements are painful, you're not doing yoga. Everyone's body is completely different from the next, so one person's ability to move in a certain way should not be judged against the next person's. In doing some arm exercises, I pushed myself to keep my arms high despite their beginning to get tingly and painful. After the class, I mentioned the discomfort to my teacher, who told me to lower my arms significantly--if that didn't work, we'd figure out another modification that would perhaps allow me to do this exercise.

Each class is two hours long but is not rigorous or stressful in the least. We move slowly and mindfully, paying attention to our breathing and always taking note of how our movements make our bodies feel. (I speak as if I'm a self-proclaimed guru at this point--this is far from the case, but speaking confidently about the practice sure can't hurt!) It's hard for me to slow my mind down, to not pay attention to the racing thoughts that flit across my brain like so many little birds.

There are two other severe chronic migraineurs in the class, and I completely misjudged how wonderful it'd be to talk with them in person. I've gained so much through web-based relationships on this blog (and in using other health websites), but to see someone's face as she describes her life with migraine is such a different experience. One woman's headaches were daily and severe. She, like me, made TONS of lifestyle changes all at once. She continually reassures me and encourages me, telling me how happy she feels that I have already begun to find hopefulness where before there was despair. This is a person who has been coming to this particular therapeutic yoga class for seven years, a chronic daily migraineur. Guess when her last migraine attack was? Over six years ago. Can you imagine that? I'm beginning to allow myself to imagine that. I'm not planning on it, mind you, but I am allowing myself to believe at last that this is possible, that after all this searching and medication and vitamins and doctor's visits there could be something that has a drastically wonderful effect on my life.

It's not easy to change everything at once. This evening my friend told me how she was about to order a greasy, delightfully cheesy Papa John's pizza. As soon as I was alone again, I thought about that pizza. Thought about dipping it in those notoriously fatty cups of garlic sauce and how wonderful it tastes.

And then I got home and heated up rice, broccoli, and onions for dinner. I feel satiated and healthy. No cheese-induced tummyache for me. But man--I do love pizza.

People, I want you to allow yourselves to be hopeful. I want you to imagine that it will be possible to live your lives without fear of a migraine coming on at the slightest provocation. For too long I have treated myself too gingerly--much of that was necessary and safe, I know, but it kept me from living my life well. KEEPS me from living my life well. (There goes Guru Jan again, acting as if she's got it all figure out, when really I'm play-acting here and there, only partly able to fully believe how healthy I am becoming.) It's so hard for me to imagine that any of these changes I've made could NOT help most of you. This from the girl who gets really frustrated when people, out of the goodness of their hearts, push so-called miracle drugs onto her--if Topamax works for so many, it MUST work for you, Janet! You're probably just not taking it right!

I fear becoming the person who pushes her ways onto you. At the same time, I can't resist trying to engage some of you in this discussion, to encourage some of you to incorporate healthier habits in an attempt to curb the number and severity of your attacks. Please let me know if I'm annoying you. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more. Please let me know if I should abandon this blog all together before driving you all crazy!! :)

the streak is over

After 22(ish) days of no migraine, I had to take a Maxalt today. In recent weeks I've felt very heavy-headed and icky upon waking; when I move about the house and get ready for the day, the feeling dissipates and I start to feel a-okay. This morning my head felt heavier than it has in a while, and something just didn't feel right. I made coffee and, after messing around the house for awhile, walked to meet some friends for lunch. To my surprise, my stomach was really upset within minutes of eating the meal. I hadn't had anything on my forbidden list, so I was a bit confused.

After my post-lunch long walk, I returned home and felt that cool, airy pain beginning on the left side of my forehead. There's a particular type of discomfort that accompanies my initial PMS symptoms, and this was it. "No way!" thought I, "I just had my period!" One look at a calendar showed me that my menstrual-related migraine was right on time. D'oh!

I took a Naproxen tablet in the hopes it could stave off the real migraine to come, but this afternoon I could feel the symptoms worsening and took my Maxalt. Now I feel airy and tired and a bit out of it--good ol' Maxalt + PMS will do that every time.

I'm proud of my streak and not surprised that my period has helped trigger this migraine episode. I'll deal. When my period's over, maybe I can start a new tally and get higher than 22! And maybe not. Either way, I'm cool. I thought I'd be really disappointed and discouraged when the streak ended, but I'm not. I'm pretty confident I'll have another pain-free stretch coming up soon.

3 WEEKS!!!

I had to share this with you all: in a few hours' time, I'll have hit my three-week NO MIGRAINES mark! My last migraine was very, very early 1/15. I can't believe this--I can't believe it!!

Though I'm trying to remain in the moment, to realize that this is how I'm feeling now and no guarantee for how I'll feel at any point in the future, I can't help but be happy. In the last few weeks, I've been able to let go of a lot of migraine-related anxiety. When I encountered cigarette smoke indoors at a rock show in Atlanta, I didn't go into panic mode, didn't think, "Oh, no! I must cover my face immediately or else I'll be sick!" I did get away from the cigarette smoker and his billowy stench, but I didn't feel panicky about it in the least. I've been so much more calm, cool, and collected. Trying not to take this for granted, and trying my damnedest not to preach to you all about how I really and truly believe the changes I've made to my life could help you in some way. It's really hard not to preach, though. Really hard.

Love,
Janet

attention fellow bloggers

I've been remiss in adding some of you to my blog roll. Whether or not we've ever met online, please shoot me a message if you'd like for me to add your name to my links list. There are lots of you out there who read my blog and also maintain your own--I'd love to include your blogs on my page, too!

Thanks.

effective treatment for TMJ = nothing, says research cited in NY Times

Interesting New York Times article on TMJ. Check it out if you are a fellow TMJ patient. (My jaw problems come and go and seem to be doing okay these days.)

I can't get motivated!

At 2:19 a.m., I turned in my most recent work assignment. While working on it this past weekend, I thought about all the errands I could run, all the little chores I could do--if only I didn't have an editing assignment looming overhead.

Well, now I'm free as a bird and have only done a couple of meaningful things today:
1) went for a long walk
2) took a shower

Oh, yeah--I almost forgot! I made lunch and dinner. Impressive.

So am I having a lazy day I'm entitled to, or am I a no-excuse sloth who could be doing Real Things but is instead writing a blog post using her iPod because the computer is too far (read: 5 feet) away?

Blah.